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as Transcribed by saintkitty (sk) and loxley85 (l.85)

Part 1

My dear brother, As I know you have not yet met your demise, I am sending you a houseguest to help care for your burns. You were so kind to me about my injuries, how could I possibly ignore yours? Besides, I know you are already quite familiar with her. I believe she comes bearing a gift of olive oil. I deposited an extra 25 mil in your account for good measure. Best, Frater.   (l.85)


Dearest Frater Major, Thanks ever so for the surprise package. As you probably know by now, my treasured valise was a casualty of what turned out to be a most extraordinary train trip. I afforded many years to the collection that I thought had been lost to me forever. However, due to your gracious gift, I have now begun replenishing and replacing the little "doodads" that made my life so homey. Oh, thanks for the money, too. With much affection and gratitude, Diogenes P.S. The olive oil was rancid.  (sk)


My dear Diogenes, It gives me the greatest of pleasure in knowing that my humble gift has been so well and usefully received. Might I suggest the use of baby food jars? Terribly sorry about the olive oil, Old Man. Perhaps that is why I have been stricken with the green apple trots since my return to New York. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DRINK THE WINE!! Constance asks me to remember her to you. She says she has a little something for you. That Constance! What a card! Best Regards, A.  (sk)


Ave Frater. While baby food jars have their use, I admit, I also find Mason jars to be a bit easier to work with. Wider opening, you understand, for certain, well, rather calcific specimens. But grazi, grazi for the tip. Here's one for you regarding rancid olive oil — it works just fine for taking the squeaks out of door hinges. It also brings up a nice shine on my antique scalpels and blades. I concur absolutely with your sentiments regarding the wine. Ah, dear Constance has something for me? Please do tell her that I, too, have something very much in kind for her. Indeed, please let her know I consider myself in her debt in that I owe her quite heavily as it were, and am much looking forward to returning the favor. On that note, I remain, as always, Frater Minor.   (l.85)


My dear Diogenes, All things considered, I would hazard to presume that Mason jars would probably be best. Thank you for the suggestion concerning rancid olive oil; I will be sure to pass that along to Proctor. I would even wager that it would work well in cleaning the, pardon me, Glock. I do have several bottles with which I was unsure what to do. Several bottles. Perhaps, if you are willing to discuss a cooperative business venture, we could market them as household cleaners. I understand the orange cleaners are making a killing. (Again, beg your pardon.) On a lighter note, Constance has asked me to reply to your kind offer of a gift. She has said that she is more than ready to help you "repay" your debt, as it were. I was pleased to see that your invitation has made her very happy as she has been a bit under the weather lately; particularly in the morning. Vincent sends his regards. I remain, Your fond brother, A.  (sk)
PS. I do apologize for raising an issue that is so gauche and possibly trivial, but I fear I must ask you. In the mornings sometimes, when Constance is somewhat distraught over her current health situation, I have heard her to mutter some rather vile and untoward things regarding you and some rather delicate aspects of your person. I must ask, brother, have you any notion what she is alluding to? Again, I apologize for the somewhat offensive nature of this inquiry. Any light you may shed would be much appreciated. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Older Brother, I am much intrigued by the situation you describe concerning dear Constance. It was such a joy speaking with her and becoming so much better acquainted with her than I could ever have imagined. Why, when I left, I felt that she and I were actually on a much more intimate basis. I can only hope that the problem you are describing is some sort of influenza attack. As I treated the young lady with emotional kid gloves and aspired to be a perfect gentleman whenever I was in her company, I cannot imagine what cutting memories she has that would lead her to make any sort of "delicate" allusions to our friendship. Although, believe me when I say that I do rather appreciate Constance's razor-sharp mind. I genuinely look forward to taking another shot at renewing contact with that dear woman. In the meantime, your business proposition sounds fascinating. Mother and Father would be so pleased to see us working together. A few words about your "gift", I hope the Mason company hurries with the delivery of my rather large order as it's now trying to redecorate my library. I have a feeling that, in a few months, the favor might be returned. As always I remain, Your dear Younger Brother, D.  (sk)


Brother, yes I do understand about Constance. Sometimes a razor sharp mind, as you so aptly put it, can be prone to a rather delicate state of balance. As I know how Mother and Father raised both of us, I am certain you were quite the gentleman with her. I am sure her mutterings and a few phrases she has emitted while asleep, something to do with "size" and "not stopping now" are just the product of her troubled dreams, poor child. We shall all have to get together again at some point. I expect the meeting to be a veritable explosion of delight. As for our business, well, we must do something with all this island product. Perhaps our parents would be quite pleased if we ventured onto the path taken by grand old Hezekiah? Regrets about your library, I understand how annoying it can be when one's favorite retreat becomes cluttered not by one's own design. Do let me know when your order arrives from the Mason Jar people. Perhaps I could send Proctor around to help. The man is dead-on when it comes to aiming at a goal and finishing a job; no ifs, ands, or buts, just pure stone-cold efficiency. He is rather like my personal secret weapon and I would be happy to point him in your direction. Best as ever, Frater.  (l.85)


My dear Aloysius, Thank heaven above, my order has arrived from the Mason jar firm with great dispatch. It has now decided to design and plant a garden. It feels that the garden should be the primary site of its remodeling efforts and has included plans for — dare I say it? — wicker patio furniture. At this point, the only room I am interested in it seeing is the basement. I am beyond delighted that I can finally begin working on restoring my collection.
"Size" and "don't stop now"? Constance most definitely is referring to my brief explanations of the family portraits hanging in the manse. I know she so much enjoyed my tale and the exciting ins and outs of these family jewels. I find the concept of our next "get together" to be nothing short of explosive myself. Ah, yes, dear old Hezekiah! What a business sense that inestimable man had! Perhaps we should begin our new venture by finding an artist to design a bottle and label? Should it be spray or liquid? Many thanks for the kind offer of Proctor's services, but I really think the dear man couldn't be torn away from your side. I do hope his remuneration is commensurate with his services as I recall that you were always a tad on the niggardly side with the servants. Salute! and much affection, Your Little Brother, Diogenes.  (sk)


Happy news, brother! I am delighted that your Mason Jars have arrived and you can start on your own little event, as it were. I am sure your collection will come up to your usual par. Wicker patio furniture — my dear Diogenes the only thing that could have given me a bigger shudder would have been resin. I truly feel for you and know that you must be starting on your work post haste, undoubtedly even as I write this. I once knew an artist who would have been truly gifted at designing a label for us. I'm afraid I shall never quite forget the calamitous circumstances that dragged his friendship from my life. But let us not dwell, shall we? As for the product, I propose we offer both spray and liquid as both forms certainly have their use. Proctor is indeed a dear and loyal man. Do let me know should you feel the need to take me up on my original offer, as I know he would be quite happy to service you in any way I directed. Brother, I must admit I am slightly perturbed by your remarks regarding my remuneration when it comes to servants. I assure you, I have always paid my help quite generously. Surely you remember the maid we once had at the family manse who looked after our bedchambers? When she left our employ, she had been more than satisfied with what reward I gave her, over, above, and beyond the twice a month check, I promise you. Indeed, I gave her quite a few bonuses on the side. Ahh, but perhaps you were, at that time, busy with your own affairs. What a pair we were, little brother. Best, Frater.  (l.85)


Multos gratias, Frater, It can't understand why I won't allow it to redecorate the basement. I explained to it that the basement is the safest room in the house due to the fact that hurricane season is approaching. It isn't very bright, is it? I plan on beginning my own version of "interior decorating" next week as I still have some implements to clean with the olive oil. Amazing how gleaming and glittering it makes stainless steel surfaces! You sound a tad ticked with me, Brother. I would imagine you have many artistic friends willing to service you. It isn't exactly as if I made your friend walk the plank, as it were. You will be pleased to note that I have been doing a little research of my own regarding the physical state in which we should market our product. I allowed some of the neighbor ladies to try it in liquid form and they have been much interested as they've found it an excellent cleaner and barnacle remover. They feel that the odor is a definite drawback, however. How about adding the fragrance of lotus blossoms? That seems very apropos to me. Ah, Brother, I had forgotten how generous you were with the servants. I stand humbly corrected. I do remember that maid. I remember you telling me all the giggles and moans were because of how "into" the game you were playing you both were. Of course, it was years before I found out what kind of a game "Hide the Salami" was. As a matter of fact, isn't that why Mother and Father sent you up North to finish your undergrad work? You insisted on rummaging through the drawers of one too many servants? But then again, you never met a chest you didn't find some interest in. Best Regards to Constance. Hope the situation with her health is not becoming too large and pressing. Until Later, With Much Affection, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear little brother, I am not "ticked" with you as you may suppose, about my friend. And though as you point out I have a great many artistic friends with wonderful services to offer, the one we discussed was closest to me, after all. As for being "ticked," well, what was that Father always said about "don't get mad..."? I wholly subscribe to that myself, as you well know. In other areas, I do fear that with what you have on your hands, "not very bright" is rather euphemistic, as it were. Quite mildly put, if I might say so. I know you are on your way to solving problems — you've always been excellent at dealing with obstacles, I admit — and so I await to hear further about your plans and outcomes. Little brother, are you trying to vex me? Of course I went to undergrad up North completely of my own volition. And as for our servants' drawers, if memory serves, dear man, I do recall one of the downstairs maids having to be hospitalized after one of your "evenings of diversion", as you so politely put it. But here we are, sniping at each other for things so long in the past, one could almost completely block them out with no trace of memory whatsoever. I do hope this finds you in good health. I am becoming worried about dear Constance as she is beginning to eat absolutely unspeakable things (Taco Bell and rocky road ice cream? I taught her far better than that!) and gaining weight as an unfortunate consequence of this strange behavior. Perhaps it is time to visit Feversham. But I do not write to worry you. Adieu, brother, and take care. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Aloysius, Ahem. Yes. As I recall, you have always been rather adept at selective memories. A rather magical ability as I remember it. I had no idea that the maid you are referring to had high blood pressure and was not taking medication. I had no idea, as well, that she fainted at the sight of blood. Informing me of that unfortunate circumstance would have been the brotherly thing to do. "Of course I went to undergrad up North completely of my own volition." As you say, of course, Older Brother. (Chuckle). Returning to a more pleasant topic, it has been very quiet for the past few hours. Versed does do wonders as a conversation-stopper! I'm trying desperately to think of some way of disposing of wicker patio furniture that it ordered from QVC. Do you suppose I could return it for a full refund? Please ask Constance as I know she is an aficionado. I plan on beginning work in reclaiming my valise collection within the next few days as I am preparing something really spectacular for such a spectacularly dull presence. It was beginning to try "poking" around in my bedroom so I knew I had to do something quickly. Speaking of Constance and her unusual appetite, now I know for sure that she is ill. Perhaps she has drunk something that didn't agree with her? When you were recovering in the private clinic, all you wanted to eat was Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup and Ho-Ho's. I really had the devil of a time finding those Ho-Ho's too. This would also well explain the weight gain. I would hold off on a visit to Feversham until Constance herself requests it. Wouldn't do to have such a vulnerable young lady feel even more high-strung and expectant. Perhaps a regular series of exercise would be helpful? I am hearing some stirring in the nether regions of my abode so I must discontinue this missive for now. Best Regards, Your Little Brother.  (sk)

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