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Chapter 19

I hadn’t been too surprised to see the Brothers Grim sitting together, planning my cheerful reawakening over cups of green tea. Jason had that rosy glow and grin about him that I knew meant he’d been well-laid the night before, condom or no condom. The better to dim any residual jealousy over his ex-wife. He was back to hero-worship mode, ready to do whatever Big Daddy Pendergast suggested to get poor Kitty back on track.

Pendergast had that added pallor that meant he’d been “very comfortable, thank you.” No sleep. I understood where he was coming from. One couldn’t just sit back and watch a citizen, any citizen, bite the big one, whether at the hands of one’s crazy brother or in the throes of her own good sense, as evidenced by wanting to get the hell off this confusing, hurtful planet as soon as possible.

And this Feversham Clinic might not be too bad, if they really had hot tubs and good dope. Worth a shot, anyway, but God help Pendergast if I found out he was full of it. What I would try to do to him would make what he did to Diogenes look like rocking a baby.

I perused my limited wardrobe, wondering what one wore to a head-shrinking. Jason’s voice behind me made me jump. “Since I know I’m not Agent Strangelove, I guess I’m the Condom Kid. You found it, didn’t you.”

I turned to face him. “Yep.”

He looked aggrieved. “Kit, I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about!” I went to him and put my arms around him. He returned the embrace and it was like settling into a comfortable chair that one has owned, and loved, for years. “You need someone to...someone to be with. I just hope we can stay friends.”

“Of course we can.” He hugged me harder, then pulled back a little to look down at me. “Unless Agent Strangelove has a problem with it.”

“Agent Strangelove has nothing to do with it.”

“Oh, come on, Kit. I see how you look at him. And how he looks at you. If ever two people had unfinished business—”

“Except for the business at hand, our business is finished.”

“Kitty, don’t. Don’t do it again. You need someone and I can’t imagine a better someone, if only because he’s obviously loaded and you shouldn’t be working.”

“You know I never base anything on stuff like that.”

“I know, but maybe you should.”

“Anyway, I don’t have to. I already know that I love him.” It felt good to be able to tell Jason without worrying about hurting him. “I’m just...afraid.”

“I know. Shit, I know that better than anybody. But do you want to be alone forever? Anybody could hurt you. I don’t think he did it on purpose, or would do it on purpose. Whatever else he is, he’s sincere as hell.”

“I know. But I almost took a handful of pills last night because of the nudge he gave me. That reaction wasn’t his fault, but I can’t afford to chance another nudge. I know it wasn’t just because of him, and he didn’t mean to do it, or couldn’t help it, but still...” My voice trailed away with nothing solved.

Jason had an odd look on his face. “It’s really strange for us to be talking about seeing other people...being in love with other people, though I wouldn’t go that far myself, not yet anyway...I just never thought...”

“Me neither.” A sudden mind’s-eye vision of him the night we stayed in the mountains, holding out the miniscule diamond, eyes shining, making an obviously rehearsed speech about how he’d thought he’d been in love before but now knew that this was love, the real thing. And it had been. Still was. Just...different.

Jason kissed my forehead. “I gotta go. Listen, I have the number of this clinic and the cell phone you’ll have and I’ll be checking on you. Anything wonky, and I’ll be up there to get you before you can say...whatever.”

“Okay, but that takes too long.” I hugged him for another moment, then let him go.

***


I was dressed and almost packed when Pendergast tapped on the open bedroom door and stepped in. I glanced at him, tall and slim and somehow lethal in the black tee and jeans, and my body responded by breaking into gooseflesh all over. I didn’t know if that was a good sign or not. He stopped by the wingback chair, putting a hand on it like a kid with a security blanket. “Almost ready?”

“Yes. Hey, where is this place, anyway?”

“Upstate New York.”

I grew still, hearing Axl Rose’s voice on Paradise City: “So far away...so far away...” It was far away, and scarier because of it. “How will I get there?”

“By helicopter. It’s on its way.” He paused. “I’m going with you, if that’s all right.”

Not only was it all right, I wanted to throw my arms around him. I settled for a smile. “Sure, the more the merrier. Hey, think we’ll get two-for-one psycho rates?”

He scrunched a little. “I don’t see why not. I’m one of their regular psychos. Anyone I recommend should qualify.”

We eyed one another, our eyes speaking volumes, leaving even more unspoken. He said, “Joan’s office is in New York City. Perhaps she will come up to visit you after a while, should you wish.”

“Maybe later. After I get settled in.” I did a turn, looking around my familiar bedroom, thinking that soon I’d be in a strange place, with strangers who could tell me what to do. The thought was a very unsettling one.

“Kitty.” He stepped close to me and took my hands. “Don’t be frightened. I would never take you anywhere, or do anything...” His voice faded as though he remembered suddenly that he’d already done something. He started over. “I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.”

“I know, Aloysius.” I wanted to hug him, to feel his strong body and presence as closely as possible. Well, we could be friends. Friends hugged all the time. I took a step and put my arms around him. Slowly, his arms came up and clasped me to him. We stood that way, my head against his chest, feeling his head resting lightly on top of mine. I felt the soft rhythm of his breath, pressed a little harder against him and felt his heartbeat. He was only human. Only a man. Not perfect. It wasn’t fair for me to expect perfect. But I wasn’t perfect, either, and our combined imperfections might mean my life. I knew this, and yet I could not pull away.

One of his hands left my back, hesitated, and came to rest warmly on the back of my head. He stroked me there, from the back of my head, down over the ends of my short hair, onto the hypersensitive skin on the back of my neck. Again. His other hand drew me closer to him.

I remembered the massage, and the gym. His warm hands on my back, his lips on mine. On my breast. His beautiful smile when I’d said I loved him. His disingenuous routine when I’d been talking about the owner of the gym. His rehearsed little presentation when he’d given me the deed. I slid my hands over the thin tee-shirt material and felt the welts branded into his back. I wondered what that Vietnamese baby would say about Pendergast if he or she were here now. What its mother would tell me to do. Not too hard to figure that one out. Emotion made my breath hard to draw, brought tears to my eyes. As much as I had loved Jason, still loved him, I had never felt this way. Never even knew it was possible. But the very strength of my love was what made it so dangerous. This close to him, I felt I couldn’t live without him, and that might end up being all too true.

I stepped away from him and picked up my small suitcase. “Let’s go.”

***


“Why did you do it?” From her place on the sofa in my luxurious suite, my sister Joan had just asked the million-dollar question. I had known she would ever since agreeing to a visit during my second week at the clinic, but had yet to come up with a satisfactory explanation. Satisfactory to me, anyway. I settled for, “A lot of reasons. Mostly just because I’m tired of being sick and in pain. It seemed like everything good turned to crap. Meeting Aloysius certainly did. Even finding out about you and Danny...I didn’t think you would want a junkie for a sister.”

“How could you think that? You—you don’t know me.” Joan bit her lip as tears filled her eyes. “Kitty, I understand more than you might think.” She sighed. “I suffer from clinical depression. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was sixteen. Thanks to them, and therapy, I’ve done well enough—but sometimes I’ll just be in that dark place for a few hours. I know that I’ll get out of it, but if I didn’t.... I’m as dependent on my drugs as you are on yours.”

I looked into her eyes, so like my own. “I’m sorry, Joan. I’m so sorry for selling you short that way.”

She wiped her eyes and suddenly turned all business. “Tell me about this Pendergast thing. What happened?”

The other million-dollar question. I did my best to relate the strangeness of our immediate attraction and his quick fade after thinking he’d killed his brother. I didn’t mention his attempt later at...what? Reconciliation or just sex? I didn’t mention it because I didn’t know which it had been.

Joan frowned. “Kitty,” she said, slowly, “I’m going to have to excuse myself for a minute.”

“You’re going to call Pendergast, aren’t you.”

“I am.”

“Joan, you don’t have to—”

“Kitty, you’re my sister and he’s my client. I do.” Joan stood up, then sat back down. “I suppose I might as well let you listen in.” She pulled a phone out of her jacket, pressed a few buttons. “Pendergast?” She paused. “Yes, there is—with you. I just heard from Kitty that you abandoned her. Are you out of your mind?”

“Don’t give me that half-insane crap, Pendergast. I’ve known you for twenty-odd years and you’re not a danger to yourself or others. With the exception of serial killers and other criminals against humanity.”

“Jesus Christ, Pendergast, you’re human. We’re all liable to snap.”

“Well, you were wrong.”

“Yes?”

“She doesn’t know I’m calling you. I’m in the bathroom.” Her voice grew softer. “She’s doing well, considering.”

“I haven’t asked, but she doesn’t look as though she’s in pain, although she could be really good at disguising it.”

“I will.” A long pause. “I don’t know if she will or not. I’d suggest being completely honest when you apologize, though.”

Another long pause. “Yeah. Uh, it’s been a few minutes, I need to go.”

“Take care—and Pendergast? Maybe you should have someone else deliver the killing blow next time.”

“Bye.” She closed her phone and exhaled.

“Well?”

“He’s deeply sorry and ashamed for falling apart when you needed him. As well he should be. And—he’s worried about you. He was worried about you when he left—he told me that’s why he left. I’ve known Pendergast for twenty years, and—I guess I can share this with you—ten years ago, his wife died under rather mysterious circumstances. Since then, he’s suffered from a major-league guilt complex and a near-inability to share his emotions with others. So after he thought he killed Diogenes, he realized that he’d snapped, and he thought you’d be better without him. I don’t think he was capable of thinking clearly at the time.” Joan sighed. “There are very few things that Agent Pendergast can’t do well. One of those is apologizing.”

”He did apologize right before he left me in the hospital. He said it wasn’t anything I had done, that it was his own disability. I had a feeling he was feeling so guilty about killing his brother that he just couldn’t deal.”

Joan nodded. “Guilt’s probably why he ditched you in the first place—guilt and fear. For the past year or so, Diogenes has been killing, or trying to kill, Pendergast’s friends and associates—or, in your case, his attorney’s sister. So Pendergast probably feels that he’s partially responsible for Diogenes coming after you. And considering just what he did to Diogenes—I think he fears what he became in that moment, and he’s worried about what he could become.”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t trust him?”

“No. But I’m not telling you to trust him, either. In fact, I don’t think that you can trust anyone not to hurt you. I think the only thing you can do is trust that they’ll try not to hurt you, and to apologize if they do. And I don’t think you’re in a place right now where you’re capable of that.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “What, you’re also a psychologist?”

“No, but I’ve spent a good portion of my life in their offices.” She looked at her hands, then burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“It’s just so goddamn absurd, so—” and she started crying. She grabbed my hand. “Kitty, I thought I’d never see you again, and now...” For a moment I thought she was going hysterical. I thought about calling the nurse, but then Joan looked up. “I’ll be okay, Kitty. It’s just—it’s just a lot to process, you know?” She rummaged through her purse, came up with a tissue, blew her nose. Loudly. “This is... God, I can only imagine what you must be going through. I have the urge to make a joke, or something, but I don’t know how you’d feel about...”

“It’s the only way I’ve kept from killing myself. Shecky Barrett.” I admitted. “Seeing life as a massive cosmic joke.”

“Wait a minute. You’re called Shecky too?”

“It’s what I call the crazy part of me that insists on becoming a stand-up comic when things get weird.”

“I was named that by the senior partner at my law firm when I was first starting out. I had a bad habit of writing sarcastic comments about opposing counsel when taking notes during trials, and one day Bernstein caught me writing down uncomplimentary notes about the assistant DA, or rather, his hairpiece. It stuck.”

“What was so bad about the hairpiece?”

Joan giggled. “It always looked as though it were about to take flight. I think I once won a case against him just because the jury was too distracted by his toupee to listen to his closing arguments.”

“I think I once had a boss with the same hairpiece. You think he bought his ’piece in my neck of the woods?”

“I think this guy was from Jersey. Maybe there’s a chain of really, really bad toupee stores.”

I pictured a country full of small shops, each wearing its own little dog-turd brown, shingle toupee, and had the best laugh I’d had since checking into the funny farm. Joan started snorting, too, and we laughed together. When she got up to leave, I asked her one final question:

“Joan, do you trust him?”

She paused. “I don’t think he’ll abandon you again. But the way that he snapped when Diogenes shot you... Although, you know, I don’t think he’d react that way if Diogenes had shot me, or if anyone else had shot you, for that matter. For what that’s worth.”

“So you’re saying that once Diogenes is dead...”

“He’ll probably be the most normal he’s been in a decade. Not that I’ve ever known him to be what most people would consider normal.”

That I could certainly agree with.

***


The Feversham Clinic was all Pendergast had said and more. I felt better than I had in years, but didn’t know how much of it could be attributed to just not pounding concrete floors and bending over a patient every five minutes. I had enjoyed good meals, good meds, the best in exercise equipment, and hot tubs and massages galore, and was not in any pain when I went for my walk, the daily walk I took around the grounds with the extra security Pendergast insisted on providing. Diogenes still hadn’t turned up, alive or dead.

I nodded to security, a tall, bearded guy that I hadn’t seen before, and started down the path to the woodsy area near the edge of the grounds. I loved the woods; the musty smell of old leaves, the wet, earthy undertone, the green of the moss. I would’ve preferred to walk here alone with my thoughts but couldn’t help appreciating having security when I entered the shadows under the huge old trees. I thought about Diogenes, about the wild intelligence in his eyes, the sensual sneer on his lips. How different from his brother’s coolness, and caring. I pulled out the cell phone and hit the memory key that rang Pendergast’s.

“Yes.”

“Hey. I just wanted to thank you for the millionth time for all this splendor.” I really just wanted to hear his voice. Since my talk with Joan, and her talk with him, I was feeling better about the whole deal. Anything or nothing could still happen. I found myself rooting for anything. I was finding that not being in pain all the time did wonders for one’s courage. I might actually have a little courage again...maybe even enough to try to handle loving Aloysius, which I would be doing anyway, because I couldn’t help it.

“Kitty.” I loved the way he said my name, like he’d been waiting for my call all day. I hoped he had. “How are you?”

“I’m great! It’s amazing what a little luxury can do.” I noticed that the security guard was closer than he had been, and turned away for a little privacy. “Aloysius...I’m looking forward to your visit.” He was coming to visit me for the first time at the end of the week.

“So am I. Three more days.” A pause. “How was your visit with Joan?” There was an undercurrent to the question and I figured he was wondering what she’d said about him.

“Great! She said she’d known you for a long time, and that I shouldn’t mind that nose-picking habit too much. Nor the foot sniffing. Said you only do it when you’re nervous.”

“Indeed.” I could hear the scrunching.

“Indeed. Oh, she also mentioned that little women’s underwear thing, but I actually like that. Gives me all kinds of ideas for Christmas and birthdays.”

A strong arm snaked around my waist and suddenly I was locked in a vise grip. A hand stroked the back of my neck. “Shhhh. Be very quiet, and I won’t break it.”

I knew that voice.

Diogenes plucked the cell phone from my limp fingers. “Ave, frater. I thought I’d check up on our Kitty, see that she’s being treated well. She does look marvelously rejuvenated.”

I imagined how Aloysius felt upon hearing that voice, and my eyes welled with tears of pain for him. Whatever Diogenes did to me, knowing that it would destroy his brother would hurt me much more.

“Now, there’s no need for that kind of dramatizing. I assure you, she will be in good hands. All night tonight. And then...who knows? Perhaps she is the one I’ve been searching for all these years. I’m sure you understand that sentiment.” He stroked my neck and I shuddered. “You know how I admire your taste in women.”

He listened, then laughed. “You have no idea how much it pleases me to hear you beg, but I must sign off now. Places to go, kitties to do. Au revoir.”

He threw the phone into the bushes and pushed me toward the fence at the edge of the property. “Let’s go, my sweet. This beard is beginning to itch, and the contacts and appliances are most uncomfortable. I do hope you will be worth all this discomfort.” He licked my cheek, kissed my eye.

I wished for death then like never before, but my heart, encased now in a block of ice, continued to beat.

***


Credit for writing most of the scene with Kitty and Joan goes to Ceruleanshipper, who alerted me as to why Diogenes might’ve targeted Kitty in the first place, since Kitty had the same last name as her character in “The Advocate’s Tale”.

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