(To the tune of “If I Only Had a Heart.”)


Diogenes sings:

I would not be just a killer
Inspiration for a thriller
A forerunner of woe
(Do do, do do do do do)
I would be Mr. Rogers
Maybe playing for the Dodgers
If I didn’t have a bro.

Not so much an evil genius
Just bursting with the meanness
A scoundrel head to toe
(Do do, do do do do do)
I’d be friends with the kiddies
Sing them cutesy little ditties
If I didn’t have a bro.

Picture me
All bloodlust free
A happily married man
A Laz-z-boy and a minivan
Maybe a kid, not a master plan.

I’d be just another guy
Without a dead blue eye
See colors all aglow
(Do do, do do do do do)
Why, I might be presidential
I would have so much potential
If I didn’t have a bro.

***

Aloysius sings:

I would not be quite so scary
I might even remarry
Or get myself a ho
(Do do, do do do do do)
I’d be something of a sprite
And I’d get laid every night
If I didn’t have a bro.

I would not be known for killing
Life would be so fulfilling
Especially with this dough
(Do do, do do do do do)
I’d be friends with all the ladies
Not some English twit from Hades
If I didn’t have a bro.

Picture me
All full of glee
Instead of always dour
A remote control instead of a Les Bauer
A teddy bear to the zillionth power.

I’d wear jeans, tee shirts, and boots
Forget the frigging suits
I’d let my badge go
(Do do, do do do do do)
I’d do something gastronomic
Maybe be a stand-up comic
If I didn’t have a bro.

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