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as Transcribed by saintkitty (sk) and loxley85 (l85)

Part 1

Sir,

If you are arriving home late this evening, please remember to wash out your own snack plate. Do not leave it for me in the morning as Cheez-Whiz is deucedly difficult to remove after having sat all night in front of a warm fireplace.

I am marketing in the morning. We are out of Ho Ho’s, Newman’s Own Industrial Strength Spaghetti Sauce, and bourbon. Is there anything you prefer that I not replace? Please don’t say the bourbon as you know how you are when we run out of necessities.

Shall I walk Miss Constance in the park today? Yesterday, she tried to push a red-haired Homeless Person under a bus. Thankfully, he bounced as he was rather wired. Made the children cry, however.

As I was cleaning out the backseat of the Wraith, I found a pair of turquoise lace panties balled up in the corner. Please let me know to which lady (?) they belong so that I may personally return them as they are of rather good quality. Unlike some of the things I find balled up in a corner of the Wraith. If you cannot remember/do not know the owner’s name, I will, of course, add them to your ever-growing Orphaned Panties collection.

You are missing several of your marbles from the Chinese Checkers game. Were you pinging them through the mail slot at the paperboy again?

Have a very good evening. That strange woman with the British accent called again. As you suggested, I informed her that you were in Tibet. She wanted to know which racetrack and did you have any tips on a horse. Must I speak with her again? Please advise.

Your devoted,
Proctor  (sk)



Proctor,

I do apologize about the Cheez Wiz on the snack plate. That was used by one of my guests and we got somewhat distracted with the can and the spray nozzle. It rather tickles when you — never mind. Sincere apologies, I will try not to let that happen again.

Please do not replace the Ho Ho’s unless you can find a better hiding place. I only got one the last time, but did find telltale crumbs and a scrap of a wrapper in Constance’s chair by the fireplace; no one needs to eat nine Ho Ho’s in one sitting, as I remember that was a new box. Of course we need more bourbon. That is a given. We are also low on sherry, scotch, sake, gin, tequilla, white wine, and that new Shiraz you found the last time you went out. Oh, please get a six-pack in case Vincent drops in as he has been threatening to do. And if you could find it in you to procure just a little more absinthe...? And I forgot — we need to replace two of the emergency candles. There may be a bit of wax on the floor of the bedroom, although I think it has all been cleaned up.

Constance tried to push a homeless person under a bus? Most assuredly that was the result of her sugar levels. She might prefer it if you drove her somewhere, perhaps the MOMA, and took your walk through the museum instead. I do believe our membership there is up to date. However, please try to keep her out of the museum gift store. Her obsession with those stuffed figures of The Scream is a bit alarming, to say the least, and the store will not accept returns on them.

My dear man, please dispose of any panties you find in the Wraith in any way you see fit. I have neither the time nor the energy to try to connect every stray pair of panties, thongs, or bikini briefs with the original owner. Finders keepers, what? Oh, but someone did inquire about a pair of fur-lined handcuffs, as they are his favorite. Please do keep an eye out for them and put them aside if you will? There’s a good man.

You may as well toss the Chinese Checkers game. I have found that regular checkers actually work better.

Incidentally, the waterfall is a bit eccentric. We did try to remove the last remnants of the feather boa from the works, but I fear in our haste we may have missed an inch or two. Please do look into that for me. If need be, I believe we still have that card from Discreet Plumbing and Gushing.

Regarding the woman with the British accent — apparently neither of us wishes to take that call, eh? I know the last time you told her I was dead, she asked if she could call back in the morning. It is remarkable she understands how to place a long-distance phone call in the first place. I admit I am at a loss. Dear Proctor, you have always been masterful at watching my back. Please accept my carte blanche to deal with this particular problem in any way you like. The usual precautions, however. And do not get caught.

Please tell Constance I will join her for dinner tonight. And Proctor, let’s have a normal meal? The roe would be fine. Or perhaps pheasant. I would prefer not to sit down with Constance as she is “chowing down on Whoppers” as she puts it.

Gratefully,
AXL Pendergast  (l85)



Dear Sir,

Thank you for informing me that you had a guest the other evening. I was wondering how the Cheez-Whiz managed to find its way to the chandelier.

I have replenished the liquor cabinet. There was a sale on SoCo so I imbibed in quite a bit. I fear we will have to find a new establishment from which to purchase our potables. The clerk, who is rather heavily endowed by the way, has begun making nasty little comments under his breath regarding the fact that it is our weekly business that is keeping the rent paid. Shall you take care of him, Sir, or shall I? I did not need to purchase more absinthe, as, if you will look, you will find that it is nicely stored in the rec room. Of, course, after you entertained there the last time, I finally realized why it is called a rec room.

They were out of Ho Ho’s so I purchased Twinkies. Miss Constance does not eat them so, hopefully, you will get more than one. I got Ding Dong’s for her anyway. And Hostess Cupcakes. And Pinwheels. And, of course, Oreos. Please do not touch her cookies. She will know. She ALWAYS knows.

Thank you for informing me that you had another guest the other evening. I was wondering how the candle wax managed to find its way under your bed. Thank you for the attempt at cleaning up, Sir, but in the future, please leave it to me. I had quite a problem reclaiming the remains of the emergency candles from your toilet. A word here about KY Jelly. It is almost impossible to clean from wooden banisters and leather belts.

Miss Constance refuses to ride in the Wraith, and I hesitate to put her in a taxi. We took the train to Timmy Ho’s where she wished to dine, but I will not do that again. She kept kicking the Homeless Persons and screaming, “I know you’re here somewhere, you bastard!” I was quite alarmed. I did not know that Miss Constance had an illegitimate Homeless Person in her family whom she was trying desperately to find. We will be walking to Grant’s Tomb instead. Nice and cheery.

I am terribly sorry, Sir. Lieutenant D’Agosta has already reclaimed his handcuffs. And the six-pack. Thank you for the offer of the panties, Sir, but I have already placed them in your collection. They are in the cabinet next to the push-up brassieres. Would you like to have them arranged by size or color or both? Please advise.

Did you by any chance remove the spare clips for the Glock?

The waterfall is back on track. I did not find any of the boa; just a remnant of a black fishnet stocking. What was left of the boa was in the freezer.

As you have requested, I have laid in a generous supply of checkers, but may I suggest Tiddly Winks? They have a tendency to draw blood. And if I may also add, the paperboy is paid on Thursdays. He has sent a letter asking me to inform you that he does not take bank drafts.

I have informed Miss Constance that you will be dining with her this evening. She wanted to prepare Steak in the Grass for you, but I was not sure if I should let her near the meat mallet. She is thinking only of your health though, I must say, as she specifically asked me to load up on the spinach just for your portion alone.

The British Lady called again. Fifteen times. I tried my Chinese accent on her but to no avail. All she did was ramble on about free egg rolls. She also keeps asking for Pricker. Who’s Pricker? Sounds like a friend of your brother’s. Next time I will let Miss Constance answer. Speaking of your brother, Miss Constance did mutter something I couldn’t quite catch about your brother having a whopper. Does he frequent fast food joints?

A Miss Bambi called for you. She wanted to know if you preferred Little Bo Peep or Scarlett O’Hara tomorrow. I presume this is the lady you had mentioned who recently joined your literary discussion group?

Proctor  (sk)



My dear Proctor,

Please feel free to deal with the liquor store clerk as you see fit. I don’t frequent liquor stores very often (preferring bars if I am out, as you know) so you would know best in this situation. SoCo? My dear man, that stuff will kill you. Thank you for the heads-up on the absinthe — can’t think how I missed it. Oh, perhaps it was the blindfold. Sorry about the mess in there, old man. Couldn’t quite see, at the time.

I do understand about Constance and the Oreos and have not even looked at them since the last time she caught me with my hand literally in the cookie jar. I must say, good job we got all the pokers and umbrellas put away, but we did miss the oversized barbecue tongs. It was quite a time disarming her. Amazing how quickly she can move in those rather cumbersome frocks she wears.

Also, regrets about the toilet and thank you for seeing to that. As for the KY jelly, unfortunately we ran out and made do with the Vaseline which probably explains the difficulty with the wood banisters. Sincere apologies again.

Grant’s Tomb would be a very appropriate walk for Constance, as she might actually have some living memory of the man, somewhere. As for the attacks upon homeless people, I am quite at a loss. We may have to confine her outdoor activity to Aunt Cornelia’s grounds again. What a pity. I was hoping dear Constance would adapt more easily to the streets of New York. Perhaps they have changed too much since she last frequented them. By the way — what was that about a plane ticket to Italy and a Beretta you found in her cloak pocket?

Lt. D’Agosta has already reclaimed the handcuffs and the six-pack? I don’t mind about the cuffs — pink fur is not really my preference. However, I am most disappointed that he simply took the six-pack and left. I had so been hoping for an evening with him. Ahhh, Captain Hayward must be back from her little sojourn to Washington. Hmmm. We shall have to work around that. Please do tell me immediately if he should call on the private line.

Proctor, you know I never touch your spare clips for the Glock, any more than you play with my clips for the Les Baer. Really, I don’t know where you are using all your ammunition these days. Perhaps I would prefer not to know? (Little joke there, nothing more).

I have never heard of anyone named Pricker. Are you sure this is the same British woman? Perhaps Pricker is someone in Diogenes’ establishment, in which case the fellow can hardly be of our concern. If she calls back, please tell her to find her Pricker at someone else’s abode since we obviously don’t have one for her here.

Oh dear, I had hoped Ms. Bambi would have been a little too happy the other night to remember my number. Now why on earth didn’t I give her a fake one? Dash my constant honesty. Proctor, Ms. Bambi is no member of any literary group. She is a woman with decidedly strange tastes which, while amusing once in a great while (perhaps every fifteen to twenty years) are not something I wish to make a regular habit. Little Bo Peep? Scarlett O’Hara? Enough to curdle one’s blood. When I met her it was all Mata Hari and the dance of the seven veils. She was using scarves, and I like scarves very much, as you know, but enough is enough. Please tell Ms. Bambi that I have left town for the next several months and she can bestow her veils and her sheep on anyone else she pleases.

Proctor, do be kind and let’s have the steak tartare for dinner on Thursday. I have been having cravings for something quite raw.

Gratefully,
AXL Pendergast  (l85)



Sir,

The liquor store clerk has been dealt with. Appropriately. Thank you for the opportunity of handling the matter in my own small way. It’s surprising how difficult a body can be to understand when it is trying to scream at you through six feet of water.

I thought only to replenish the SoCo as I know how much you enjoy using it to soften up your Raisin Bran. You keep telling me that there’s nothing like cardboard, rotten grapes, and Southern cow piss to start a man’s day properly. Shall I replace it with the bourbon, your usual breakfast drink?

Blindfold? Is that what the black panties were? Thank you for the clarification. They are now residing in the Orphaned Panties collection. Sometimes, Sir, I fear you give new meaning to the old saying “bagged and tagged”, but that was your week off.

My deepest apologies for forgetting about the barbeque tongs. I was quite busy stopping Miss Constance from placing cans of Pepsi in socks, smashing the hall table lamps with them, and screaming, “Diamonds are not a girl’s best friend,” that I completely missed them. Sir, you are entirely too humble. I’m sure disarming Miss Constance was fairly easy knowing your ability to solve a problem once you get your hands on it.

Perhaps, Sir, the next time you run out of KY jelly you may want to give olive oil a try. We seem to have an extremely large surplus of it around. Speaking of which, the Wraith needs a lube job and oil change. Please don’t trouble yourself about taking it in. After the last time you did, there were some rather unsightly grease prints on the back seat. I had a very difficult time cleaning them from that glossy white interior. Not to mention the time I had getting rid of Bruce the Mechanic, who insisted that his service included a house call to rotate your tires.

I don’t know about President Grant, but Miss Constance saw a letter I had received with a return address of Buffalo. She then proceeded to regale me with all sorts of stories about McKinley’s assassination. It seems that TR was a personal favorite. She is doing much better “on the outside”. We had a lovely walk to DQ with nary a problem. Re: the ticket to Italy and the Beretta: Miss Constance said that the ticket was part of your birthday gift, but when she thought about “what was open before you,” she canceled it and bought the Beretta. She said she thought it would come in much more handily. I am, however, a tad concerned that she wishes to bake your cake.

By the way, Sir. She counts the Oreos. Forewarned is forearmed. Eat the Twinkies.

Lt. D’Agosta had waited quite sometime before he left that day, Sir. As a matter of fact, he was quite perturbed when he left. He had polished off more of the six-pack then I thought decent for a cop on duty, but I remained my usual tight-lipped self. I left his message on your desk. It was something to the effect that if you wanted him, you’d know where to find him. It seems that the good Captain is visiting relatives in Jersey.

I cannot understand what happened to my clips. That last time I used them was down in the target practice room. You know, it’s amazing the feeling you get down there sometimes of having eyes on the back of your head.

Believe me. It was the same British woman. She called several times again today. I tried telling her that this number was for a body shop, and she insisted on an appointment for a facial. I offered her a free lube job. We really do have a lot of that quite nasty olive oil. I sincerely hope she doesn’t show up next Thursday at 2:00. If I have to talk to her again, I will tell her you are in critical condition after being in an avalanche in Florida. Your coma is expected to last for months.

No Miss Bambi. Check.

A lady named Miss Barbie Doll has left several messages. She wanted to assure you that “they are so real”. (?) Under the circumstances, I feel that I must investigate this one for you so I will be doing some undercover work this evening.

Steak Tartar it shall be, Sir. Usually, when you request that dish, you have a guest coming. Am I setting the table for two? Just in case you and your guest are feeling a bit frisky, I will lay aside a goodly quantity of KY jelly; especially if you’re feeling raw.

Please let me know what the rather viscous substance is that I found clinging to the front parlor drapes. Do we need the haz mat team again?

Please be advised that the paperboy has quit.

Proctor (sk)

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