Dim and Grimmer: The Secret Letters of Olive Oil and Popeye
by saintkitty and talespin
URL: http://www.bluecatsgraphics.com/pean/fanfics/68/

as Transcribed by saintkitty (sk) and talespin (ts)

Part 1

Dearest Digi,

You are a very hard man to track down, you naughty scamp! If I didn’t know better I would think you were trying to avoid me!

You can’t imagine how distraught I was when you left our love nest so hastily. I must have cried for nearly two minutes straight! Shame on you for making my eyes puffy, Digi. However I understand how your career requires you to travel at a moments notice, and I know how much your work means to you. Still, a note would have been nice as I have quite a collection of farewell notes from men, and would like for it to be as complete as possible.

I have just gotten back from being an Egyptologist in Egypt. Technically I am there for the ancient manuscripts but it’s always nice when one finds a bone on the side. I was quite fortunate this visit and found several.

I hope you like the scent I spritzed on the stationary and envelope. I made it myself (both the paper and the perfume), being very mindful of that unfortunate incident at the cabin where I accidentally used poison ivy when making our soap. I know it was only modesty that kept you from allowing me to scratch the places you couldn’t reach...we must have itched for a week! Oh, I know it wasn’t funny at the time, but at least we can laugh about it now!

When are you going to visit? I miss the way your eye used to glint at me. Please write back soon as Capraia is very lonely without you. Plus the grapes are nearly ready to harvest and as your feet are quite large the work would go much quicker with your help.

Your dearest,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. If you could furnish me with your brother’s current address, I would be most grateful. I must urge him to sack that dreadful manservant of his (Pooker? Pricker?) as I am quite sure he isn’t passing my messages along when I ring. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when people don’t pay attention to details.  (ts)



My dear Madam, It seems that you are certainly more talented than I had ever imagined in my wildest dreams. Imagine tracking me down the way you've done! There is only one other person who has taken a shot at that particular skill. I left you a note. I placed it on the refrigerator door where I knew you would most certainly find it. I attached it with one of those incredibly inane magnets you collect from your numerous travels. And from the size of your collection, as it were, you are amazingly well-traveled. I am terribly sorry to have caused you such over-whelming grief as I know how much you dislike making your mascara run. It is gratifying that you understand how important my work is to me. My last endeavor was of absolute museum quality. Unfortunately, due to a rather inconvenient constant which has appeared somewhat unexpectedly in my affairs, I have lost a rather precious collection which I had held in inestimable value. I am now seeking to replace that collection and do feel that perhaps your razor-sharp assistance in replicating it will be most welcome. Kudos to you, dear Viola, on your trip to Egypt as an Egyptologist! It is quite a telling sign of your intellectual capacity that you chose Egypt in which to dig for Egyptians. You are much too demure in your achievements as I am positive that you have handled many bones during your long and industrious career. The perfume on the stationary was quite a surprise. Several of my recent guests have commented on the aroma before they moved outside to the patio. Ah, yes. I had almost forgotten about the poison ivy incident. Almost. However, I assure you that I did find your attempts to scratch my itch to be most humorous. At this moment, I am up to my elbows in my bloody work (forgive the vulgarity) so I must decline your invitation to participate in the hi-jinx I know would ensue upon visiting you on your island. I can assure you that no part of my anatomy would be suitable for penetrating your grapes, as it were. I am sorry but I cannot be forthcoming with my brother's latest address. Aloysius is nothing if not secretive about his affairs. You, of all people, should know how much effort he puts into protecting private parts. The next time that I reply to a missive from him, I will mention your desire to have some sort of intercourse with him. I am positive that will make his day. With Warmth, Diogenes Pendergast.  (sk)



My Dearest Digi,

The last thing I want to do is to quibble with you, but the note that you left (yes, I do remember something of the sort now) was quite unsatisfactory and vague. I don’t recall that you professed your undying love to me at all, or enumerated the qualities about me that you would miss while being forced to be away from me. It’s what I’ve come to expect, anyway. Really, Digi, given your eloquence and wit I expected something more memorable from you than — what was it that you said? I forget. At the time I thought the note referred to you needing help, and pitched it. On the aside, I’m thrilled that you thought my magnets were “inane”! I would go a step further and call them garish and tasteless. It was a part of my concerted effort to appear to connect with the ordinary folk. They collect kitschy, trivial things such as magnets and spoons and plates, do they not? I abhor the cluttered look but am glad to know that it makes me appear more accessible to the common man.

I am delighted you liked the perfume! As for your recent guests who were so kind as to comment on it, you may inform them that I will soon be developing a version specifically for less trained noses. I am not surprised that they found the scent I spritzed on your letter a trifle over-awing; it was formulated especially for your refined nose and not meant to be smelt by plebian snouts, as it were. The version I am creating for the untitled masses is of course more earthy and approachable. There is olive oil in all of them, naturally; I consider it my secret ingredient, and can’t imagine why no one has ever thought of using it in this manner before. While it may be true that great minds think alike, apparently brilliant minds are in a class all their own!

I thought it quite charming to find how ticklish you were, as I was trying to scratch your itch. You are almost equally ticklish as your brother, so perhaps it is genetic? There is just something about seeing a grown man squirm that makes me fancy him even more; I think it is safe to say that you are one of the most sensitive men I have ever met.

I have been rather demure in expressing my achievements, you are right. Regarding bones especially, but to be perfectly candid it’s not demureness that prevents me from taking credit for every single one, it’s simply that I’ve handled far more than I can possibly remember. I lost track early on of how many bones I uncovered in my first year in Egypt; the professor in charge of the dig took responsibility for most of them. One finds any number of finger bones on the digs I’m involved in, but it’s the longer bones that make the experience worthwhile and keeps me interested. It’s important while in the desert to keep the juices flowing, you know. There’s just something special about the heft and feel of a larger bone — but of course I’m not telling you anything you don’t know yourself. There have been a few memorable occasions where I came upon more than one big bone at once, in the same place. Unfortunately I don’t get to handle any of them for very long as they invariably end up in museums, and I never see them again.

I am most disappointed that you will not be able to join me for the harvest; I so looked forward to squishing grapes with you. It’s messy work I’ll admit, but so rewarding in the end. Pity it’s over so quickly. I would hold out for you, in hopes that your schedule would allow you to come at the last minute, but I fear when the grapes are in season there’s no holding back; when nature demands it I must make do with whatever labor is at hand. Time and ripe grapes wait for no man — even if she is a Lady!

You mentioned that another person has managed to track you down. I hope that is not a constant problem, or heaven forefend, the dreaded ‘other woman’ (I am quite familiar with that term)! But of course there is a logical explanation...I think I know what it is. Those Jehovah’s Witnesses are most persistent and resourceful, are they not? As surprised as I am when they appear at my door on Capraia I always welcome them in and am most hospitable; it is quite unusual for me to encounter men who start out by sitting down and talking. And it’s quite nice that they always travel in pairs. I think I was converted by them at least fourteen times last year.

How rending to hear about the loss of your precious collection, and of course I would be most honored to give from the heart to help contribute to its recovery, however harrowing that endeavor may prove. If there’s one thing I’ve got it’s lots of guts, if I do say so myself. And if you wish to pick my brain for anything in your attempt to rebuild your lost treasures it is at your disposal as well.

Your most adorable,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I have called your brother’s residence hourly for the past three days. For the last day or so a very unresponsive woman has been answering the phone. I fear Aloysius has replaced that dreadful manservant (Procket?) only to have found someone more incompetent. She simply refuses to give me any new information no matter how much I try to steer the conversation away from her repeating “The number you have reached has been disconnected...” I am most polite of course, but her determination is ironclad and each time I have been forced to hang up in defeat after ten minutes or so of wearisome and unproductive dialogue. I am concerned that he has such dimwitted help. I think it is quite sweet that you are so jealous of me that you don’t wish to share any part of me with your brother, Digi, but if you would just give me his address I will be more than happy to check in with him myself and straighten out his staff problems, especially as you have stated that you are currently quite engrossed in your work  (ts)



My fair Lady, I was, to say the least, simply overwhelmed by your last response. I hardly know what to say as it seems that your deductive reasoning prowess is quite fascinating to be sure. I apologize for the vagaries you found in my parting note. As I know that you read slowly and carefully, I didn't want to write over four or five lines. You do tend to move your lips when you read anything over that. Hopefully, you did not need to underscore with your ruler.

Not caring to waste the opportunity of leaving before you had arisen so as not to disturb you, of course, I dashed out in terrific haste. I simply could not stand the thought of encountering you on my way out the door. I find your attempt to be "one of the ordinary folk" to be quite awe-inspiring. I actually had to be seated when I read that part. Come now, Madam. As much as you try to gain a foothold in the world of reality, class will always out; however, you do have a knack for being common. How interesting that you have decided to go into the perfume trade, as it were. The thought of that truly puts me in raptures. You certainly do have a "nose" for business! I do hope that you will save a large quantity for my brother. With his rather keen sense of smell, your fragrance will certainly keep his sinuses unclogged for ages. It seems that, with that small sample you sent my way, I have had no more of the occasional songbird flying into my back garden. Pity. Aloysius loves to be tickled! If anyone can tickle my brother stiff, it certainly would be you. As a matter of fact, he did mention to me that the thought of your roving fingers on him made him wish to be gay. My dear Lady Viola, thank you so much for your incredible discourse on bones. Suffice it to say that your vast experience in that area is not surprising. I am quite sure that, with your innumerable encounters with bones of every imaginable size, you could probably teach a class. It is not beyond reason that your juices were flowing during those long days on the hot desert sands, and I am quite sure that you received aid in quenching them from just about everyone on the digs including the camels. Under no circumstances should you await my arrival on Capraria. Stomp as you will; I cannot join you for the harvest. As for "another woman" tracking me down, rest assured, Viola, there is no other woman quite like you. There ARE no Jehovah's Witnesses in Italia, my dear. Are you sure you weren't mixing them up with seminarians? Their missionary positions are usually quite climactic as well. Please rest assured that when I arrive at actually beginning to replenish my collection your name is first on my list. I would most certainly enjoy digging into that brain of yours for any useful little tidbits. By the way, Aloysius' manservant is named Pookie. Try that when next you call. I can certainly understand your dismay and confusion with the female who is answering my brother's phone. Perhaps she incessantly repeats her message for those who are mentally challenged and as so are not quite to the level of understanding that you have attained. Be gentle as you, Viola, are a Lady. I am absolutely sure that, if there is one thing you can do, it will be to straighten out and give my brother a lift. I must run as the pot on my stove is boiling over. Regards, Diogenes Pendergast  (sk)



My most darling Digi,

All of Capraia is abuzz over my new perfume line if I do say so myself. How curious that with the arrival of my fragrance the songbirds would have disappeared from your garden. Why, I have loads of them. In fact I have so many nowadays I hardly know what to do with them all. I do so enjoy going to the windows early in the morning, pushing open the shutters, and letting the warm Tuscan breeze wash over my bare skin as I take in the morning scents and birdsong. The cawing sound they make is such a balm to ones soul, though by midday in the sun there are so many that one is obliged to retreat indoors. I send some of the villagers out in the evenings to scrape up the guano and use it for fertilizing the grapes and olive groves; otherwise it gets rather slippery underfoot.

I have noticed a rather special astringent quality to the perfume now that you mention it, especially since you brought up the possibility of it being able to clear your poor brother’s sinuses. (Good heavens, does (Prichard?) never dust?!) I wonder if I should market it as a decongestant cum parfum? Surely no one has ever done that before! I must patent the idea at once. Unless you would prefer to take credit?

Oh heavens, Digi! How you jest. I haven’t needed a ruler to aid in my reading since that one day when I was trying to read the Sunday comics out loud for three hours. Don’t you remember? You hid my ruler from me and tied my hands to the chair to keep me from tracing the words with my finger. I was quite cross with you at the time and realize the gag was necessary as I may have uttered a few unladylike syllables. But the gag broke my ability and thus my need to mouth the words as well. If anyone could kill three birds with one stone, it would be you Digi! In the end I realized you were doing it for my own good and that I owe you a debt of gratitude. Besides, it is so hard to remain cross with you. That private tutoring session has made ordering from four star menus so much less of an ordeal. Re: your note, the meaning of it still escapes me however, and I can only remember a few words — was it “I’ve gone to get help?” No, wait. That was poor Cecil’s note. Anton’s was much the same if I remember correctly. It’s quite easy to lose track, you know. I will keep thinking on it.

Yes, one must be quite careful in the identification of bones; it is quite easy to mistake camel for human — much easier than you may realize!! Certainly the preponderance of bones that I uncovered ended up being dog bones and those of other, less-identifiable animals — mostly mammals. When it comes down to it human is preferable but a bone is a bone no matter what its origin.

There are no Jehovah’s Witnesses in Italy? My darling, you must be mistaken. Every time I have taken them in they have been so warm and genuinely eager to share what’s inside, and I know them to be quite spiritual and devout as we spend most of the time on our knees invoking God’s name. (I assume that is the ‘missionary position’ you refer to?) I am modest as you know, but I cannot help but be a little proud when I tell you that they often take pictures of their visits to update their proselytizing brochure. I have been featured in quite a few to date, and each time have been assured that it does wonders to increase the flock.

Oh, Digi, do you really think I have a knack for being common? You’re not just pulling my leg? It means so much to me to hear you say that. I have put such effort into connecting to the common man. I couldn’t bear it if I really had to live like that of course, so thank goodness I don’t have to. I mean, honestly — even I can only take a charade so far. I may be unpretentious, but I will surely never be caught dead buying generic in the dented box section just so there’s enough money to pay for medicine. Thank God for inheritances. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t have them.

Aloysius’ manservant’s name is “Pookie”? No, I don’t think that sounds right. Bright as you are, Digi, you were always so terrible with names. I remember you called me “vile” more than once in a rather aroused tone! When you get excited it’s so cute how you tend to get mixed up and drop your vowels. No, no. He shall always be “Pricker” to me. Or something like that.

Of course Aloysius is gay when I am around! I do everything I can to make the poor man smile, and am sure I touch him in ways he has likely not experienced in years.

Why on earth Aloysius would hire someone incapable of recognizing my voice is beyond me. Of course he would wish to talk to me! The woman answering the phone today was different; now she is asking if I want delivery or carry-out, and telling me that there is a free egg-roll with every order. I told her that I did not want delivery or carry-out, but I wished to speak to Aloysius immediately, and did she know who she was speaking to?! Can you believe she had the nerve to hang up on me?! This happened several times until finally the phone just rang and I couldn’t raise anyone. I am miffed and bewildered, Digi. Fortunately I recalled your advice and remembered that I was a Lady, and that I must comport myself with dignity.

I think I deserve a glass of wine after all that.

Your most devoted,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I was having a little pout just now over your inability to join me on Capraia for the harvest. It’s selfish, but I suppose I must accept it. I have consoled myself with the thought that it will be that much sweeter when we are finally reunited. Plus, the wine is helping quite a lot. There do seem to be quite a lot of empties around these days. You can be quite beastly, Digi. Sometimes I don’t know why I put up with you ignoring me so. Oops. Must go find grubby villager now to go help pick myself up and tuck me into bed.  (ts)

Part 2

My dear Lady Masculine, Why does it not surprise me that you should enjoy the "cawing" of the songbirds in the morning? Be careful, please, about catching those breezes when you are "au natural". I certainly would not want you to become ill when I am so close to beginning replenishing my collection. You did promise to allow me to pick your brain, as it were. I applaud your efforts at finding the villagers meaningful employment. Do they bring their own torches and pitchforks? "Decongestant cum parfum"? By absolutely no means whatsoever would I wish to have the Pendergast name associated with that. It is all yours. You could, of course, call it "Caprarian Nights". I'm sure that would have a somewhat interesting effect on the tourist trade. As you may recall, Viola, I was only too happy to attempt anything that would have the effect of keeping your mouth closed. I remember vividly and with great contentment those long, cozy evenings spent before the fire, me with my pipe and "Gray's Anatomy" and you with your mouth taped over reading your favorite detective, Nancy Drew. Now there's a woman my brother should meet! If you are positive that your visitors were Jehovah's Witnesses, my dear Lady, than of course they were. I did see the photographs you are referring to on the Internet. They must have enjoyed proselytizing you tremendously as the caption on the photos was something to the effect of "for a good time call...". I cannot, in my wildest dreams, imagine pulling your leg. Surely you know me better than that? I agree with you completely on the subject of inheritances. I have always felt that the people who purchase food over medication do not budget properly. Although as lads, Father insisted that my brother and I gain what he deemed as appropriate experience with "the little people". I was employed with McDonald's to that end, but, thankfully, it did not last long as management did not care for the "options" I was packing in the Kids' Meals. You must sometime ask Aloysius about his experiences as the salad girl at Antoine's. Speaking of your hold on my brother, he has mentioned many times that you are a tonic for him but wishes that, during your conversations, he had a little gin. A jest, I believe, as I am quite sure that your time together has been uplifting for him, to say the least. Pricker? Are you certain? I had always thought that the man came from India so I truly do think that Pookie is correct. Perhaps it is Poohbear. I may have inadvertently mixed my Empires. Your telephone adventures just stand to show the sorry state of American "help" these days. Too many immigrants. Take the egg rolls. I am sorry to disappoint you in not coming to your harvest; however, I truly do want to start on a harvest of my own, and rest assured that your parts in it will be quite juicy. In vino est veritas, as they say. My doorbell is ringing so I must fly. I remain. Diogenes Pendergast.  (sk)



My dearest, most darling Digi,

It has been two days since last I heard from you and I have been addled with worry! Are you ill? I can’t imagine what would keep you from writing to me unless you were on your deathbed. Of course I am taking care of myself for you! I think it quite touching that you would worry about my health but I must tell you that I have the constitution of a horse. My hair is glossy as ever and I will not torture you with the description of my gorgeously stunning body as you are not close enough to find outlet for the emotions I am sure it would stir in you. Among other healthy endeavors I have been working on my tan, and there would be no tan lines whatsoever were it not for that day that I fell asleep under the new latticework intended for my roses. I have been told there is an unfortunate grill-mark pattern on a rather unmentionable part of my body and it is hard to sit down at the moment, but the cream is helping.

There is terrible, tragic news to share with you on the perfume front; I can barely bear to relate it as I know you were one of my most ardent supporters. A group of men descended upon my groves and workshop yesterday and confiscated the results of all my hard work. To make matters worse they wore environmental suits which completely encased them from head-to-toe, replete with breathing apparatus. Really, it was quite rude. They were all business and I had no opportunity to connect with them on a personal level, and they left yellow warding tape everywhere. I think they were the agents of a famous perfume maker who shall go unnamed, who was afraid that my new scent would corner the market and put them out of business. As a final blow the songbird population has sadly diminished since the raid, and of course the buzz on Capraia has died down. Yet I am determined that “Capraian Nights” shall go on! (be sure I shall credit you for the name at least, though you are far too modest to take any recognition for any part of the formula or marketing) I shall have to start from scratch, but then I am used to working from the bottom up.

How delightful that you have seen the J.W. photos of me on the internet! I think the end result in the February brochure was easily better than the July one, wouldn’t you agree? There’s just something about the colder weather that perks a body up and brings out the roses in ones complexion. Though both results were quite comely, if I do say so myself.

Of course I do provide the villagers with their own torches and pitchforks, as it would take a month of wages from me for them to purchase just the fire alone. Let no one say that I am not generous with the help; demanding that they bring their own implements would be an onerous requirement and damage the rapport with them that I treasure so much. Did I tell you that they built a statue of me in the square the other night? I was touched by the gesture although the workmanship was rather crude it was as good as could be expected of such simple folk. Unfortunately they could not afford to sculpt it in non-combustible material such as bronze or marble and it burned down almost at once, but their hearts were in the right place, the dears. It’s the thought that counts, I’m sure you’ll agree.

As you know I am quite eager to help you begin the replenishment of your lost valise. (When will that blessed day arrive?) I am certain that it will be better than it ever was before; with the contribution of my eyes and ears to the effort it goes without saying that the collection will positively ooze quality.

I am sure that your statement regarding there being “too many immigrants” in America was inadvertent and you meant no offence, as I would delicately remind you that I would also be considered an immigrant (silly as that sounds, as I am quite fastidious and have no dirt underneath my nails). Of course I would never be considered “help”, so perhaps that is the distinction you intended to convey.

How glad I am to hear you share my view about those whose poor budgeting skills make them think they must choose between food and medicine! It is quite frightful that it is even an issue; why can’t they be sensible and find a handsome young tycoon or famous personality to take them out to eat, as I do? It will save them no end of money at the grocery store, leaving them plenty of money to buy their “life-saving medicine”. As an added bonus I often find a little something extra on my pillow in the morning, usually no less than a modest pearl necklace. Perhaps I should run for public office in order to advocate my prescription drug plan to the unimaginative masses? The poor things simply lack role models, Digi, that’s all. It’s sad when it falls on people such as myself to do their thinking for them, but it’s a cross I am willing to bear.

Oh, Digi, what fond memories you bring back of our time together! How I loved curling up with Nancy Drew before the fire. I was surprised to find the experience so fulfilling. The Hardy Boys were almost as satisfying as two heads are usually better than one, but that Nancy was really quite a clever girl. She must have gone to college at some point.

I don’t know why you keep insisting on changing Aloysius’ manservant’s name! The effect is quite bewildering, even though I’m not easily confused. Yes, I am quite certain it is “Pilchard”, although “Poohbear” does ring some bells... Oh, I’m all in a muddle now — can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

Your dotingly vivacious,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I am at my wit’s end. I simply cannot seem to penetrate your brother’s sanctuary. It is hurtful to me as I have always been so open toward him. I continue to believe it is the wretched quality of help he employs, however I am beginning to wonder why he has not contacted me directly. Perhaps Pricker has lost my address yet again? There is no other explanation.

At any rate, someone is finally answering the phone at his house once more, however the woman who was offering me free egg rolls (which I had determined to accept, at your urging) is now a man. Moreover he is not offering egg rolls; he is telling me that Tuesday is “Two Shirt Tuesday” and that it is half off cleaning for the second shirt every Tuesday. Whatever that means. I am nearly out of my mind with worry for your brother. Can it be that his manservant is selling himself on the side and / or is a transvestite? Your comment regarding Aloysius serving as a salad girl at Antoine’s is quite troubling in light of this and gives me pause for thought. (And you always loved children so — I cannot imagine a burger chain sacking you simply for trying to bring joy to the children unfortunate enough to be eating there in the first place. The world is cruel indeed.) You simply must provide me with Aloysius’ address, Digi! I know you have your differences, but I refuse to believe you can be so cruel as to deprive him of my services! I must rush to rescue him as he has rescued me so many times before. Only common sense prevents me from hopping on a plane immediately and coming to New York; I must wait until my scheduled spa treatment in London two weeks from now before I undertake any such endeavor.  (ts)



Madam, Please do not concern yourself with the state of my health, which is perfect as always. The last thing in the world that I would want to do would be to arouse you. You have no idea how happy the thought of your well-maintained, tanned body makes me. I positively glow with the prospect of being up to my elbows in that glorious flesh. Cream away, Viola! Your misadventure with a rival perfumery must have been horrendous for you. I empathize completely having had no small experience with hazardous waste material teams myself. Please! I wish no credit in any capacity whatsoever for your enterprise. It is more than enough that you have so generously shared yourself with so many others. So much hard work for so little return. I have all the faith in the world that you will rebuild as you possess the most amazing persistence I have ever seen. Your Internet photographs certainly do you justice although I did wonder as to why so many of the gentlemen pictured seemed to be so exhausted. What a pity that your statue was emolated! I am sure that the villagers are well aware of what you are doing for them and that you burn brightly in their hearts and minds. Dear Viola, the thought of your eyes, ears, hands, heart, and any other of your parts contributing to the success of rejuvenating my lost collection is mind-numbing to say the least. I must admit that I am quite anxious to begin and am so very near to issuing a, shall we say, rather stimulating invitation to my villa that will be quite cutting-edge. I can assure you, Madam, that I have never thought of anyone who possesses your skills as an immigrant. Why, to my mind, you would certainly deserve the reputation of a charitable foundation: "Give until it hurts". You seem to have politics in your blood; something that I hope I can remedy. You would have your finger on the pulse of many a working stiff, as it were. As for baring a cross, I cannot think of anyone who would be more eager to be nailed. Alas! My brother and I are not currently on speaking terms so I cannot be of assistance in aiding you although I understand how dearly you would love to pin him down. Perhaps this new telephone person is the same woman with a terribly bad cold? Rest assured, Madam, that from what I have heard from my brother about Pookie, and I am positive that that is the name, he is not a transvestite. After all, please consider that it is in the nature of Aloysius' employment that he be the one to wear the disguises which I am certain can be a drag; especially when he so enjoys being abroad . Actually, my dear woman, Aloysius spent much of his time at Antoine's with the hot tomatoes although he feigned much interest in handling many fruits. I remember that he told me that a special joy of working in food service was that he was able to squeeze as many melons as possible. I ascertained from our conversations that ribs were extremely popular menu items as he was always going on about the size of the racks. But I digress. I cannot fail to believe that, if Aloysius knew you were trying to raise him, he would be ever at the ready to avail himself of your proffered services. I can only surmise that he would receive a bang out of you. Keep trying. You are sure to find him at home sometime, and I know just exactly how glad he would be to hear from you. Must run. Left the iron on. With best wishes for a successful hunt, Diogenes Pendergast  (sk)



Dearest Digidums,

I was not feeling well this morning. Perhaps you are right and the person answering Aloysius’ phone had a cold, and now I have caught it. To top it off it is probably a dreadful common cold with no aristocratic or redeeming features whatsoever. It is almost unbelievable that I would succumb to such an ordinary illness; the whole situation is making me quite cross and weepy.

I miss the songbirds terribly, but have decided not to cry after all as we Brits are known for our stiff upper lips; in addition I know how puffy it makes my eyes and that would only make matters worse. Instead I made myself some toast and tea and felt much better. I was out in the vineyard working on my tan when Enrico arrived for the morning watering. We had a very pleasant and stimulating discourse, during which I warmed up and forgot altogether about my cold. Enrico uses his hands quite a lot while talking — I think he would make a great director of symphony; in his youth he used to play the viola. Isn’t that a most amusing coincidence? He so enjoys keeping in practice. Regarding the unfortunate grid-mark tan on my unmentionables, I have been assured that the lines are almost gone. Soon I will be a perfect bronze all over.

I think I know the reason so many of the young men in the J.W. brochure looked exhausted next to me. I have a confession to make, Digi; I am something of a perfectionist, and as I have had experience in front of the camera before, I know exactly when a shot is working and when it is not. They wished to stop several times, but they just weren’t getting the angle and depth to my satisfaction. It was I who insisted in them doing take after take after take. I feel sorry for running them into the ground so, but I think you agree the end result was worth it.

I simply cannot allow you to disavow credit for my perfume. I know how shy and retiring you pretend to be, but I know you secretly long for fame and attention. I am determined to help you achieve that, and it is only right that you share the glory that I am sure is to come. Our names will be in all the papers — well, mine will at least, and I’ll make sure you are mentioned as well. I’m sure you will want to thank me, but we must wait until we are reunited when you can express your full gratitude in person.

I am glad to know Aloysius shares your interest in fresh vegetables. Do you remember the garden we had together? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look as happy as you did when you were sowing seeds in my furrows. It will be wonderful to experience that with your brother as well; perhaps we can all get together (Pricker too!) and have a planting party; the more hands the merrier, I always say. Good news about Pooker not being a transvestite, I suppose, though it will give us less to talk about. And I didn’t know you were supposed to squeeze melons to test them for ripeness! I’ve always thumped mine.

At any rate, Aloysius’ experience with tomatoes and melons and cucumbers will come in handy for when I open my own Bed & Breakfast in New England. I will put him in charge of the garden and cooking meals (naturally I shall help him hoe occasionally), Prickette will of course clean and do laundry (in spite of him not being a transvestite do you think he will wear a frilly French maid uniform? It will increase his tips, and as that is what he will be working for I will suggest a few other tricks to him that should help increase his income.). My part in the operation will be to exude a genteel air and preside over the household as only a Lady can. I realize that sounds like an easy job compared to the tasks I have allotted to everyone else, but I don’t doubt there will be occasions where I shall be required to bend over backwards to please the guests. It is the perfect position for me as I am quite flexible and easy to get along with. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, darling! You will be in charge of coats and wellies on your days off, otherwise you can answer phones and market our full array of ‘Capraian Nights’ products to the guests. Also, we shall cater strictly to the most upscale of guests so as not to invite a population of bedbugs and lice.

I so wish Aloysius would come and be abroad with me... Really, I can’t get those evenings with Nancy Drew out of my mind. Given that he is a detective of sorts as well, I can’t imagine a better person to cuddle up and explore this fascination with. If anyone can get to the bottom of things, I’m sure he can.

Do let me know as soon as you are ready for me and I will be at your villa in less than a heartbeat, to begin helping you in your back-breaking work of reconstructing your lost collection — providing it does not interfere with my upcoming spa treatment in London.

Your ambitiously decorous,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I have put off ringing Aloysius today as I think it only fair to let him see how it feels when one is ignored. I don’t wish him to pine away, but I think a sharp lesson is in order: if he wishes to continue to court me, he must pay attention to my needs. Of course I shall make this enforced silence up to him and no lasting harm should come of the separation. Plus, I do not want to risk catching another cold from his unsanitary (man?)servant  (ts)

Part 3

My dear Lady Mescaline; I am dreadfully sorry to hear of your illness. Catching cold over the phone is certainly nothing to sneeze at. However, given your wide experience with communicating with gentlemen telephone callers, I am sure that your rate of recovery will be almost obscene. Enrico sounds like an invaluable handyman. A beautiful woman such as you should have someone around who can guide himself into her most private places. So much is to be said for security nowadays! My undying thanks for the explanation of the Internet pictures. Knowing what a perfectionist you are, I can only imagine indeed that you certainly did give your all to making your session with the Jehovah Gentlemen a thing to be long cherished in their memories. I am positive, that in their future endeavors in this area, the young gentlemen will certainly be able to rise to the bar you have set for them. I have always found that toiling in a garden is a truly calming experience; however, I did object to the multiple occasions on which you expected that I might hoe your row, as it were. There are certain times when I would truly appreciate handling my own uplifting experiences; especially considering the options. Perhaps, my dear Viola, you are correct in asserting that Aloysius thumped melons rather than squeezed them. What I do recall is that he seemingly did not get on too well with the waitresses at Antoine's as he was always thumping them. As a matter of fact, I do believe that he thumped himself right out of that job. With all of his experience with thumping fruit and yours with agriculture in general, why Viola, your New England venture will be a veritable T&A. I am certain that your guests will be lining up when you begin hitting the sheets. Somehow, I do not care to visualize Pookie in a French maid's costume. If you care to try and pursue that with him, I feel certain that he will have several tips to offer you. Viola. Do. Not. Put. My. Name. In. The. Newspaper. Under. Any. Circumstances. Now for my big surprise! I have recently been in contact with my brother under rather fiery circumstances. There was a terribly nasty encounter which led to a veritable cliffhanger, as it were, in our relationship. I, for one, am extremely burned up about it. As you, my dear Lady, can never seem to take "no" for an answer, I felt that I would offer you the opportunity to act as peacemaker between us. Deep in my heart, I just know that Aloysius is longing to open everything before you. To that end, I am enclosing his personal e-mail address. Here it is: www.dakotastud@hotbox.com. If that doesn't work, here is Pookie's: www.wraithcardriver@aol.com. Please keep me informed as to your success. Best of luck, Diogenes Pendergast  (sk)



My dearest Digi,

Thank you for the e-mail addresses, Digi! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have already sent missives to both men and am on pins and needles awaiting a reply. Regarding Pookhopper’s address, “wraithcardriver”, I think I understand now why the man talks so little; people with lisps can be quite sensitive about such things. No wonder I had trouble contacting Aloysius by phone; with his impediment the poor manservant was too overcome with embarrassment to speak to me when he realized who was on the other end of the line. Despite my down-to-earth nature I admit some people can find it awe-inspiring under the best of circumstances when there is a person of rank speaking to them as if they were worth something.

I shall do my very best to make Pooker feel at ease when I arrive in New York in response to the summons from Aloysius which I’m sure is coming at any moment, and be sure to speak very slowly and clearly so that he is aware that there is no need to be ashamed of his disability. He should, however, be ashamed of his abominable phone hygiene and I intend to make sure he knows how germs are spread as the tickle in my throat has now spread to my chest and I have a cough. I hate being under the weather; I prefer, as always, to keep on top of things. I simply never expected to be blindsided by transatlantic germs spread by a careless commoner.

Enrico came highly recommended and I keep him on hand for odd jobs; he is very skilled at filling in the gaps as it were. It is so hard to find good help (as evidenced by my experience with your brother’s inept staff). While I trust him with quite a few things, i.e. watering and hauling manure, I have not yet given him the combination to unlock my safe, but he still gets no end of pleasure from fiddling around with the dials.

I simply cannot picture Aloysius not getting on well with everyone. Frankly the scenario at Antoine’s that you portray sounds like jealousy on your part, Digi. Why would anyone object to him thumping anything?! I think I speak for most women when I say that any man who knows his way around the kitchen, can pick a ripe peach, and is able to handle a variety of produce without bruising it overly much is quite a catch.>

Oh, dear, I almost forgot to ask about your fiery encounter with Aloysius during which you said you were terribly burned. I burn myself every so often, and it really hurts. Silly me! I keep forgetting to read the “Oven is HOT when On” note that hangs on the refrigerator. How is Aloysius? Is he still as handsome and well-heeled as ever?

Of course you will not have forgotten that my birthday is fast approaching.

Your admirable and most divine,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. Perhaps you are right regarding asking Pricker to wear a French Maid’s uniform; with that lisp it would raise questions that he is perhaps not yet prepared to answer  (ts)



Viola, I do believe that all this time you have been using me to reconnect with my pigment-challenged brother. Not very nice, Madam. Not very subtle either, but then subtlety was never your strong point. Pookie doesn't have a lisp, you twit. He drives a Silver Wraith for my funereal-clad brother. Please do not try your sensitivity out on poor Pookie. When you do, you usually come down like a ton of bricks falling off of the back end of a Mac truck. If you have a cough, you ninny, the airline people will probably not allow you to board a plane bound for New York. They will think you are carrying some nasty disease for which you will be quarantined. Something nice and hemorrhagic like Ebola. Thank you for your ad nauseum account of Enrico's duties. I imagine that the manure must pile up quite thickly. I? Jealous of Aloysius' unenviable charms? I think not, Madam. My brother certainly did get along with everyone. Everyone he could. He thumped them right and left. And as far as "quite a catch" goes, believe me, he caught more than his share of applause for his efforts. His performances earned him clap after clap. May I mention that I was not without admirers myself. Why I had a reputation for leaving many of the local beauties in absolute stitches. Is Aloysius still handsome? I wouldn't know as the last time that he crossed my path he looked quite similar to the figure in Munch's "The Scream", which I know for a fact as I have been gazing at it for the past two years. By "well-healed" I presume you mean from his last adventures with your rotund cousin? Except for a few minor scars and needle marks, he healed quite rapidly. He did; however, keep muttering something about some vile person. He was extremely difficult to understand; especially under all that tape, but I did draw the distinct impression that, whoever this "vile" person was their first meeting made him board the first fairy he could find. At least, that is what I can recall of his ramblings, "Vile, fairy, knows my name, big jugs (?), and Tibet", were what he mentioned. Thank you for reminding me that your natal anniversary is approaching. I shall endeavor to locate a suitable gift. Something sleek and sharp, I should think. Something that perhaps will put a little steel in your backbone. As ever, Diogenes Pendergast  (sk)



Oh, dear heavens, Digi...

What a dreadful experience your last letter was for me. People so seldom take that tone when speaking in my presence that I barely recognized what you were trying to say. Even Americans, ignorant as they are of class, have an instinctual ability to distinguish superiority and are usually properly deferential to it. Not you! I find it incredibly stimulating in spite of myself, but then I always did love it when you stood up to me. Your rigidity in this letter speaks volumes of your feeling for me, and I as well long for nothing more than for you to be here right now, in this moment, so that you can act out the full force of your passion with me. It is cruel — positively torture, Digi, that you would work me into such a state without being here to provide me release from it; when I visualize how your eye must be dancing with the flames of emotion, it is almost more than I can bear.

I do admit there were a couple points in your letter that I muddled over as they seemed to have nothing to do with me, but by the end I had it figured out. How perfectly funny that when you get all worked up you still drop your vowels — even when writing! “Vile”, you said! I think your accent and its little peccadilloes absolutely adorable. It’s a pity you aren’t here in person as I find it utterly irresistible. Do give your cheeks a pinch from me, Digi dear.

Your pigment-challenged brother? Darling, it is so amusing when you describe things in such black and white terms. Of course he is a trifle pale, but his complexion is so clear and smooth that when he blushes the tinge of red is quite unmistakable — I think it quite silly of you to miss how beautifully he colors when flustered or aroused!

Oh, and how perfectly naughty of you to have borrowed that painting from the museum in Oslo without asking! What an interesting color scheme you must have had in your home, though, for you to be able to hang that picture anywhere without it clashing dreadfully with something. I must say that I am intrigued but have a sneaking suspicion that when I finally arrive at your home the first thing we shall need to do is undertake a major redecorating. I will be sure to bring paint swatches for us to go over so we can discuss and coordinate color schemes. I am not saying that you don’t have taste, but sometimes it is helpful when someone with an eye for these things is around to point things out for you.

By the way, I think you are quite right in comparing your dear brother to a work of art.

Now, I do have a major bone to pick with you. How can you accuse me of two-timing you and using you to get to your brother?! If the notion weren’t so preposterous I would be offended, but I think I sense a bit of the green-eyed monster lurking in your plaint. Perhaps you are intimidated by his experience and the many standing ovations you say he has received? I cannot help that he is interested in me and don’t know why sharing me with him makes you so crabby.

Truly, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to put myself between the two of you and serve as an intermediary to help you work things out for once and all. Having interned at an embassy or two in the past I know quite a bit about the ins and outs of diplomacy and would be thrilled to share my experience with the pair of you. I have brought many men (and a few women) together in the past; sometimes people can come together in the glare of spotlights and cameras but often it’s the work that goes on behind closed doors that produces the deepest and most lasting connections. I would dearly love to be the bridge between you and your brother.

For my birthday I don’t believe I need anything to correct my posture, though I am glad you recognize how important carriage and comportment is to those of us in the upper classes. I strive daily to convey grace to the slouching middle-class through my quiet, dignified bearing, by arching my back and keeping my shoulders even with my hips. Any gift you get for me will be fine, honestly. I do love sleek things that look sharp, but simply knowing that it came from you will be enough, even if it is just a pretty ring, or a little car to get around in. Money certainly isn’t everything, but charm can only go so far; even I cannot obtain a seaside bungalow on a remote Tuscan Isle or maintain the estate in Cornwall without the help of a little disposable income.

Well, I will take your word for it that Pookhopper does not have a lisp, but I still intend to show sensitivity toward him regarding the other matter.

Oh, I almost forgot! I received a response to the e-mail I sent to Aloysius; Pricker however must have been too overcome and did not reply. Here is the text I received:





Digi, who the French is Proctor?! And his ward? Why do men never say anything up front about children?! There was a post script from him recommending that I not leave any knives or sharp implements laying around; I suppose I ought to put child locks on all the cabinets as well. I have sent off another message to Aloysius to clarify some of my questions. I hope his ward is potty-trained.

I am beginning to wonder if I know this man at all, Digi, and am so glad you are there for me. You are my ship in the port, my anchor in the storm, my rock in a hard place. It is so comforting to know that you have always been behind me every step of the way.

Your unpretentiously gorgeous,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I did detect an overall note of rather clipped distress in your last correspondence; I know how averse you are to visiting the doctor, but when one is feeling tetchy sometimes a home remedy of prunes can smooth things out; they’re good for any number of ills. They are working wonders for my cold and my cough is now gone, so no worries about being kept off the plane for that. I plan to take a whole bag of them with me to eat if I do end up flying, however. Better to be safe than sorry; as you know I always believe in planning ahead.  (ts)

Part 4

Viola. I cannot, in my wildest dreams, understand what I have ever done to deserve you. You are positively the most incredibly awe-inspiring woman I have ever met. Of late, I have been pacing the veranda of an evening trying to coerce my spinning brain into offering me a reason for why I have been given this torment. I watch the beautiful waves, with their many colors of gray, bashing onto the rocks below my villa, and all I see is your face. Passion for you? Yes. Oh, yes. Passion for that perfect body of yours and all of the pleasure I expect to gain from its yielding flesh. From your eyes to your toes, I quiver in the anticipation of lingering midnight tete a tetes with your muffled screaming the only sounds in the night. And at the end, I promise to give you a release such as you have never experienced before. But enough of this for now as my fingers are actually twitching to join around your lovely neck. I distinctly remember Aloysius saying,"vile", not "Viola". I may have the occasional problem with a Southern inflection or a dropped vowel but I can count syllables. For someone who so positively dotes on "Wheel of Fortune" such as you do, surely you know the difference between vowels and consonants. Redecorate? You are going to plan a redecoration of my villa? Why that just might be a fine idea. There certainly is a very special place that I can think of for you to put your swatches. Yes, I do mean sincerely that my brother most assuredly is a piece of work. Of course, I don't think you are two-timing me with my brother. Your mathematical skills are not that precise until it comes to price tags. My dear woman, I most certainly would not be offended in any way, shape, or form if you decided that you cared to bridge my brother's gap. I think it would do him a world of good to have someone with your experiences on top of things. Surely, if anyone could blow off Aloysius' problems, it would be you. Thank you for the generous hints regarding your birthday gift. As I do understand, it must be terribly problematical to run both large estates and small islands, but I have all the faith that you have been collecting extra revenue for years. Why did you not spend an entire evening regaling me with stories about the enormous amount of soccer players you have accommodated in your own homes? Just the thought of all the hot meals and clean sheets you have given to those upstanding young men all these years makes me appreciate just how selfless you are. No, my gift for you will be just the shot in the arm you need. Thank you so very much for sharing my brother's e-mail with me. Proctor is Pookie's twin brother. My dear, you have it very wrong. Aloysius' "ward" is not his child. Rather she is quite a beauty, a woman who doesn't look anywhere near her age, believe me, who lives with my brother. Does research for him, as it were. She certainly is extremely good with a map and knows all the in's and out's of life's little back alleys. I haven't the faintest as to the warning about sharp objects, but I do know that her tendencies toward self-preservation are razor-sharp. She is a delightful youngish woman; I found her to be quite stimulating on my part as she was quite easily aroused over a whispered verse of Italian poetry here and there. So nice when the young folk respond to literature. Must be off now as I am expecting news from the States. Your friend, Diogenes Pendergast.  (sk)



My dearest Digi,

Whatever it takes, you simply must believe you are worthy of me and come to accept the fact that you deserve me. In fact, I think you deserve me more than anyone has ever deserved me before, and that’s saying a lot. I know it is difficult to admit your thoughts of insufficiency to me, but I intend to do everything I can to make sure you don’t feel as though you’re coming up short.

I am so glad the prunes are working for you; you sound much more laid back and easy-going in your last letter than you did in the previous one. Doesn’t it feel good to loosen up now and then? I find that it makes it so much smoother and more pleasant for those around me.

The eloquence and passion you expressed in your most recent letter regarding my lovely neck and what you wished to do with it had me quite choked up... I believe it is easily the hottest letter I have ever received from anyone, and it is almost unbearable to think that I shall have to wait to feel the pressure and heat of your hands against my throat. I had to fan myself at the thought of all the screaming you envision. No, it is so exciting I can hardly wait.

Now Digi dear, it is perfectly understandable that you would remember Aloysius saying “vile” versus my real name. You both had the same upbringing after all and are as alike as two peas in a pod; I think it quite natural that whatever speech impediments you exhibit when excited, that he would share the same impediments as well. It’s rather cute when you think about it. I can just picture you as little boys in matching sailor suits, mimicking whatever the other was saying.

Oh, yes, the soccer players. What a memory you have! It’s hard to pick a favorite, but the Welsh national team was by far the most rambunctious and memorable of the teams I’ve hosted. They were hardly the best players on the pitch, mind you, but I had the most fun learning about ball handling from them; we used to practice on the lawn in back of the estate. I played the position of goalkeeper and so was allowed to handle the ball, but I confess I still need to work on my technique as every one of them was always able to score embarrassingly easily on me. It was quite a romp. They did all have rather ravenous appetites, as I recall.

How marvelous that you have a place picked out for the color swatches already! Oh, we will have such fun redecorating together! I am sure it will give us a splendid opportunity to bond. I was thinking of starting in the kitchen, or perhaps the entertainment room. You do have an entertainment room, don’t you? I should bring a few games; we’ll have no end of fun while taking a break from color-coordinating. Do you like Twister? It’s the game where you have to put your hands and feet on the right colors, though it works best if there’s more than three people. Perhaps we can invite the neighbors for Fondue and an evening of Twister.

Darling, saying that my mathematical skills are not precise until it comes to price tags is quite unfair! I do not look at price tags. Honestly, you make me sound like a penny-pincher! It is true that I furnished and decorated my rustic island bungalow for approximately the yearly salary of all the island’s inhabitants, but if you think I’m keeping track...why, how...how gauche of you to suggest such a thing.

Oh, I completely agree with you about touching young people with literature. There is nothing like the moment when their faces light up and they get it. You know? In my college days I played an extra-curricular, interactive Lady Godiva for a local street troupe. It was quite a popular show in the first weeks of school whilst hazing was still allowed. I will humbly say that I owe much of my acting skill to those days. And extracurricular activities are quite a bonus to list on job applications, I understand (if one needs to fill out job applications, of course).

I received another e-mail from Aloysius; here is the text:





Now Digi, honestly. You must think I’m stupid. If Proctor is Pookie’s twin brother, then who is Pricker? And that would make them triplets, wouldn’t it? Even I can figure that out. You always were such a card; I love how you try to put things over on me.

I think you misspoke in your last letter...what is Aloysius doing with a woman? That is highly irregular. Thankfully he didn’t mention anything about his ward again, so perhaps he has found a babysitter?

Your stunningly unique,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I called New York once again, (I truly don’t know why I bother anymore) and was rewarded with yet another display of incompetence from your brother’s staff. Frankly I’m coming to expect it, so it was hardly a surprise when the gentleman on the other end of Aloysius’ phone told me that there is a special on spark plugs and that he will rotate my tires for free with a 10-minute oil change. Remembering your advice regarding the incident with the free egg rolls, I of course accepted. He even made a house call. To your brother’s credit, he may hire incompetent servants, but at least they give good lube jobs. I even got a sticker to remind me to make an appointment in another 2,000 miles  (ts)



My dear Madam, Why did I surmise that you would feel that I did deserve you? It makes me veritably shudder when I think of your intentions to do anything for me. Under no circumstances will I have you ever placing yourself beneath me. I am delirious with the thought that you found my letter to be "hot", as it were. Believe me, should you ever visit Stromboli, you will find things to become much hotter. "Into the frying pan" would be quite apropos. Yes, my dear Viola, the thought of all that screaming you will be doing certainly gets a rise out of me. I find it quite fascinating that someone with a British accent feels that a Southern accent is a speech impediment. Nonetheless, my hearing is not impeded, and my brother did say "vile". I believe he also muttered something regarding missing buttons or was it marbles? His teeth were chattering so at that point that it was difficult to understand him. Madam, my brother and I never wore matching ANYTHING. Our tastes were completely different. Aloysius always dressed as if he were chasing aliens of some sort while I tended more towards fabrics that would wash easily. The only person in our entire family whom I can think of who ever wore a sailor suit was Cousin Ned, and he was in the Navy. Ours. When I think of the generosity you have shown to so many deserving soccer players over the years, I can't help but wonder at your remarkable elasticity. You certainly are a plucker. All of that hands-on exercise was the making of you, and I'm sure gave you your rather spectacular ability to play so many positions. Those lads may have had "ravenous appetites", but I would place a wager on them eating anything you offered. Twister? One can only imagine the delightful varieties of Twister that one could play with your rather pliant body. I get goosebumps.Very well. I never could quite bring myself to pull your leg, as it were. Proctor, Pookie, and Pricker is a law firm that does occasional work for my brother. How generous of them to be spending so much time with him lately. Why he must be writing his will. Again. I do feel that you will find Aloysius' "ward" to be quite a fascinating creature. In the past, he has found the need for several people to sit her. On my last visit, she was quite interested in the rise of the Pendergast Family, and we had a ball exploring the ins and outs of a rather unusual antique. Again, allow me to express my gratitude on your sharing Aloysius' latest missive with me. I do so enjoy keeping track of my brother's whereabouts! Bearing the burden alone of pests that we naturally attract has been wearisome, and I can only hope that he is now seeing fit to take up his cross for awhile. Do let me know how your visit goes. I would be most interested to know if Aloysius is still using that old cunnard about "Everything being open before us" or some such rot. Hopefully not, as I am sure it has grown rather stale over the decades. That was Mother's rather giddy reaction to the variety of shopping available to us on our first trip to Paris. Aloysius, being entirely unimaginative, used it quite often over the ensuing years. Having been ridden by experts, I would think rotating your tires would be quite an easy prospect. I would expect that they certainly are wide enough with all of the hopping about that you do. Must run as I am expecting the mailman with a package. Could it be your birthday gift? As ever, Diogenes Pendergast  (sk)



My dearest Digi,

How humble of you to say that you would never place yourself above me. But if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that it is important in relationships to make sure the other person feels as though they are in charge once in a while; if it means lowering myself occasionally, then that is something I will always be willing and prepared to do.

I have no intention of disparaging your southern accent, but I feel it only fair to point out that English originated in England. Ergo, I do speak English-English and think I am in a slightly superior position to comment on the bastardization of my native tongue. Begging your pardon once again, but I have noticed that the laid-back (I will not say lazy) speaking habits of Southern Americans do tend to cause the omission of the occasional syllable. Therefore, “Viola” can easily and often be mistaken for “vile”. The similarity is unfortunate, but I have grown used to answering to the term.

As you know, your brother has just been here to visit me on Capraia.

Digi, I don’t know how to say this after all we have been through, but I have decided to see someone else. He is very tall and slender and dresses immaculately though in a rather funny, old-fashioned sort of way, and is quite pale. Oh, darling — I simply can’t keep the secret from you any longer; it is your brother Aloysius!

I am torn with the words I must say and only wish that I could be there to console you but of course that can never be, as you will surely understand when you read this. Seeing Aloysius in the flesh again has made me realize how much I am drawn to him. You know how I feel about tearing families apart, but this time I think it was predestined. I never meant to tease you along, Digi.

I must say, I am not sure what to make of the woman Aloysius was with. He referred to her as his ward, but I think there is something very strange about the whole situation. She obviously had no fashion sense, and unlike me I don’t think it was feigned. I mean, there is modesty, and then there is cluelessness. Her dress was so 19^th century. Wearing a frock like that, I expected to see her holding a staff and mingling with sheep. If she wants to make a fashion statement and create the next fad, speaking from experience she’s going to have to use a lot more eye-liner and be caught in a few naughty photos or videos that get strategically leaked to the press. Perhaps I should recommend a prominent, highly-placed ex-boyfriend of mine; one or two come to mind. Though not Niall, perhaps...he still thinks we’re an item. Stuart might do. Or Charles. Yes, Charles definitely. Either him or Edward.

The mailman came early today which was somewhat of a disappointment as I wasn’t quite ready for him, however he agreed to stay for a while and allowed me to finish. I will give this letter to him as soon as we find his mailbag and then, I fear, you will receive no more letters from me. We could still write to one another, I suppose, but I think it is better if we sever this affair cleanly; it will be less painful that way.

Aloysius will be heading for home shortly and wishes for me to join him there; before he left here he gave me a travel ticket and some very detailed instructions regarding how to find him. The route appears to be a rather scenic way to get to New York but it sounds very secluded and romantic and I can’t wait to be holed up with him, away from it all. He said he wanted to make sure that I was “taken care of forever”. Isn’t that romantic? And he did promise me Everything, just as you said. How upstanding and sweet he is.

At any rate, I am leaving on the ferry this very afternoon to begin my journey to him, so it will do no good for you to write back and try to change my mind. In a way I’m glad as I do hate to see men beg. It’s just as difficult for me to resist them as it is slipping scraps to the dog under the dinner table.

I shall so miss your kindness and understanding. And I do hope you understand. Half of my heart will always be yours.

Aloysius’ audaciously charming,
Lady Viola
xoxoxo

P.S. I cannot wait to meet the triplet lawyers Proctor, Pookie, and Pricker. Their mother must be so proud! I wonder if they are identical.

P.P.S. My birthday present never arrived. I will leave the address Aloysius gave me as a forwarding address and hopefully it will turn up in time  (ts)



Viola, I am absolutely flabbergasted with delirium that my brother has come to the rescue, as it were. Please, I beg of you, do not let the thought of me interfere with your irrevocable decision to lend your lifetime of experience to the noble prospect of hardening my brother. He is fairly easy, you know. Some stiffness here and there will do him a world of good. Therefore, I will bow out of your life with all good graces and with great joy in my heart knowing that you are going to make Aloysius' life what I know only you can make of it. "Half of my heart will always be yours" — Thank you, my dear. I shall look forward to claiming that someday. Best Wishes, Diogenes Pendergast  (sk)