---

as Transcribed by saintkitty (sk) and talespin (ts)

Part 1

Dearest Digi,

You are a very hard man to track down, you naughty scamp! If I didn’t know better I would think you were trying to avoid me!

You can’t imagine how distraught I was when you left our love nest so hastily. I must have cried for nearly two minutes straight! Shame on you for making my eyes puffy, Digi. However I understand how your career requires you to travel at a moments notice, and I know how much your work means to you. Still, a note would have been nice as I have quite a collection of farewell notes from men, and would like for it to be as complete as possible.

I have just gotten back from being an Egyptologist in Egypt. Technically I am there for the ancient manuscripts but it’s always nice when one finds a bone on the side. I was quite fortunate this visit and found several.

I hope you like the scent I spritzed on the stationary and envelope. I made it myself (both the paper and the perfume), being very mindful of that unfortunate incident at the cabin where I accidentally used poison ivy when making our soap. I know it was only modesty that kept you from allowing me to scratch the places you couldn’t reach...we must have itched for a week! Oh, I know it wasn’t funny at the time, but at least we can laugh about it now!

When are you going to visit? I miss the way your eye used to glint at me. Please write back soon as Capraia is very lonely without you. Plus the grapes are nearly ready to harvest and as your feet are quite large the work would go much quicker with your help.

Your dearest,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. If you could furnish me with your brother’s current address, I would be most grateful. I must urge him to sack that dreadful manservant of his (Pooker? Pricker?) as I am quite sure he isn’t passing my messages along when I ring. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when people don’t pay attention to details.  (ts)



My dear Madam, It seems that you are certainly more talented than I had ever imagined in my wildest dreams. Imagine tracking me down the way you've done! There is only one other person who has taken a shot at that particular skill. I left you a note. I placed it on the refrigerator door where I knew you would most certainly find it. I attached it with one of those incredibly inane magnets you collect from your numerous travels. And from the size of your collection, as it were, you are amazingly well-traveled. I am terribly sorry to have caused you such over-whelming grief as I know how much you dislike making your mascara run. It is gratifying that you understand how important my work is to me. My last endeavor was of absolute museum quality. Unfortunately, due to a rather inconvenient constant which has appeared somewhat unexpectedly in my affairs, I have lost a rather precious collection which I had held in inestimable value. I am now seeking to replace that collection and do feel that perhaps your razor-sharp assistance in replicating it will be most welcome. Kudos to you, dear Viola, on your trip to Egypt as an Egyptologist! It is quite a telling sign of your intellectual capacity that you chose Egypt in which to dig for Egyptians. You are much too demure in your achievements as I am positive that you have handled many bones during your long and industrious career. The perfume on the stationary was quite a surprise. Several of my recent guests have commented on the aroma before they moved outside to the patio. Ah, yes. I had almost forgotten about the poison ivy incident. Almost. However, I assure you that I did find your attempts to scratch my itch to be most humorous. At this moment, I am up to my elbows in my bloody work (forgive the vulgarity) so I must decline your invitation to participate in the hi-jinx I know would ensue upon visiting you on your island. I can assure you that no part of my anatomy would be suitable for penetrating your grapes, as it were. I am sorry but I cannot be forthcoming with my brother's latest address. Aloysius is nothing if not secretive about his affairs. You, of all people, should know how much effort he puts into protecting private parts. The next time that I reply to a missive from him, I will mention your desire to have some sort of intercourse with him. I am positive that will make his day. With Warmth, Diogenes Pendergast.  (sk)



My Dearest Digi,

The last thing I want to do is to quibble with you, but the note that you left (yes, I do remember something of the sort now) was quite unsatisfactory and vague. I don’t recall that you professed your undying love to me at all, or enumerated the qualities about me that you would miss while being forced to be away from me. It’s what I’ve come to expect, anyway. Really, Digi, given your eloquence and wit I expected something more memorable from you than — what was it that you said? I forget. At the time I thought the note referred to you needing help, and pitched it. On the aside, I’m thrilled that you thought my magnets were “inane”! I would go a step further and call them garish and tasteless. It was a part of my concerted effort to appear to connect with the ordinary folk. They collect kitschy, trivial things such as magnets and spoons and plates, do they not? I abhor the cluttered look but am glad to know that it makes me appear more accessible to the common man.

I am delighted you liked the perfume! As for your recent guests who were so kind as to comment on it, you may inform them that I will soon be developing a version specifically for less trained noses. I am not surprised that they found the scent I spritzed on your letter a trifle over-awing; it was formulated especially for your refined nose and not meant to be smelt by plebian snouts, as it were. The version I am creating for the untitled masses is of course more earthy and approachable. There is olive oil in all of them, naturally; I consider it my secret ingredient, and can’t imagine why no one has ever thought of using it in this manner before. While it may be true that great minds think alike, apparently brilliant minds are in a class all their own!

I thought it quite charming to find how ticklish you were, as I was trying to scratch your itch. You are almost equally ticklish as your brother, so perhaps it is genetic? There is just something about seeing a grown man squirm that makes me fancy him even more; I think it is safe to say that you are one of the most sensitive men I have ever met.

I have been rather demure in expressing my achievements, you are right. Regarding bones especially, but to be perfectly candid it’s not demureness that prevents me from taking credit for every single one, it’s simply that I’ve handled far more than I can possibly remember. I lost track early on of how many bones I uncovered in my first year in Egypt; the professor in charge of the dig took responsibility for most of them. One finds any number of finger bones on the digs I’m involved in, but it’s the longer bones that make the experience worthwhile and keeps me interested. It’s important while in the desert to keep the juices flowing, you know. There’s just something special about the heft and feel of a larger bone — but of course I’m not telling you anything you don’t know yourself. There have been a few memorable occasions where I came upon more than one big bone at once, in the same place. Unfortunately I don’t get to handle any of them for very long as they invariably end up in museums, and I never see them again.

I am most disappointed that you will not be able to join me for the harvest; I so looked forward to squishing grapes with you. It’s messy work I’ll admit, but so rewarding in the end. Pity it’s over so quickly. I would hold out for you, in hopes that your schedule would allow you to come at the last minute, but I fear when the grapes are in season there’s no holding back; when nature demands it I must make do with whatever labor is at hand. Time and ripe grapes wait for no man — even if she is a Lady!

You mentioned that another person has managed to track you down. I hope that is not a constant problem, or heaven forefend, the dreaded ‘other woman’ (I am quite familiar with that term)! But of course there is a logical explanation...I think I know what it is. Those Jehovah’s Witnesses are most persistent and resourceful, are they not? As surprised as I am when they appear at my door on Capraia I always welcome them in and am most hospitable; it is quite unusual for me to encounter men who start out by sitting down and talking. And it’s quite nice that they always travel in pairs. I think I was converted by them at least fourteen times last year.

How rending to hear about the loss of your precious collection, and of course I would be most honored to give from the heart to help contribute to its recovery, however harrowing that endeavor may prove. If there’s one thing I’ve got it’s lots of guts, if I do say so myself. And if you wish to pick my brain for anything in your attempt to rebuild your lost treasures it is at your disposal as well.

Your most adorable,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I have called your brother’s residence hourly for the past three days. For the last day or so a very unresponsive woman has been answering the phone. I fear Aloysius has replaced that dreadful manservant (Procket?) only to have found someone more incompetent. She simply refuses to give me any new information no matter how much I try to steer the conversation away from her repeating “The number you have reached has been disconnected...” I am most polite of course, but her determination is ironclad and each time I have been forced to hang up in defeat after ten minutes or so of wearisome and unproductive dialogue. I am concerned that he has such dimwitted help. I think it is quite sweet that you are so jealous of me that you don’t wish to share any part of me with your brother, Digi, but if you would just give me his address I will be more than happy to check in with him myself and straighten out his staff problems, especially as you have stated that you are currently quite engrossed in your work  (ts)



My fair Lady, I was, to say the least, simply overwhelmed by your last response. I hardly know what to say as it seems that your deductive reasoning prowess is quite fascinating to be sure. I apologize for the vagaries you found in my parting note. As I know that you read slowly and carefully, I didn't want to write over four or five lines. You do tend to move your lips when you read anything over that. Hopefully, you did not need to underscore with your ruler.

Not caring to waste the opportunity of leaving before you had arisen so as not to disturb you, of course, I dashed out in terrific haste. I simply could not stand the thought of encountering you on my way out the door. I find your attempt to be "one of the ordinary folk" to be quite awe-inspiring. I actually had to be seated when I read that part. Come now, Madam. As much as you try to gain a foothold in the world of reality, class will always out; however, you do have a knack for being common. How interesting that you have decided to go into the perfume trade, as it were. The thought of that truly puts me in raptures. You certainly do have a "nose" for business! I do hope that you will save a large quantity for my brother. With his rather keen sense of smell, your fragrance will certainly keep his sinuses unclogged for ages. It seems that, with that small sample you sent my way, I have had no more of the occasional songbird flying into my back garden. Pity. Aloysius loves to be tickled! If anyone can tickle my brother stiff, it certainly would be you. As a matter of fact, he did mention to me that the thought of your roving fingers on him made him wish to be gay. My dear Lady Viola, thank you so much for your incredible discourse on bones. Suffice it to say that your vast experience in that area is not surprising. I am quite sure that, with your innumerable encounters with bones of every imaginable size, you could probably teach a class. It is not beyond reason that your juices were flowing during those long days on the hot desert sands, and I am quite sure that you received aid in quenching them from just about everyone on the digs including the camels. Under no circumstances should you await my arrival on Capraria. Stomp as you will; I cannot join you for the harvest. As for "another woman" tracking me down, rest assured, Viola, there is no other woman quite like you. There ARE no Jehovah's Witnesses in Italia, my dear. Are you sure you weren't mixing them up with seminarians? Their missionary positions are usually quite climactic as well. Please rest assured that when I arrive at actually beginning to replenish my collection your name is first on my list. I would most certainly enjoy digging into that brain of yours for any useful little tidbits. By the way, Aloysius' manservant is named Pookie. Try that when next you call. I can certainly understand your dismay and confusion with the female who is answering my brother's phone. Perhaps she incessantly repeats her message for those who are mentally challenged and as so are not quite to the level of understanding that you have attained. Be gentle as you, Viola, are a Lady. I am absolutely sure that, if there is one thing you can do, it will be to straighten out and give my brother a lift. I must run as the pot on my stove is boiling over. Regards, Diogenes Pendergast  (sk)



My most darling Digi,

All of Capraia is abuzz over my new perfume line if I do say so myself. How curious that with the arrival of my fragrance the songbirds would have disappeared from your garden. Why, I have loads of them. In fact I have so many nowadays I hardly know what to do with them all. I do so enjoy going to the windows early in the morning, pushing open the shutters, and letting the warm Tuscan breeze wash over my bare skin as I take in the morning scents and birdsong. The cawing sound they make is such a balm to ones soul, though by midday in the sun there are so many that one is obliged to retreat indoors. I send some of the villagers out in the evenings to scrape up the guano and use it for fertilizing the grapes and olive groves; otherwise it gets rather slippery underfoot.

I have noticed a rather special astringent quality to the perfume now that you mention it, especially since you brought up the possibility of it being able to clear your poor brother’s sinuses. (Good heavens, does (Prichard?) never dust?!) I wonder if I should market it as a decongestant cum parfum? Surely no one has ever done that before! I must patent the idea at once. Unless you would prefer to take credit?

Oh heavens, Digi! How you jest. I haven’t needed a ruler to aid in my reading since that one day when I was trying to read the Sunday comics out loud for three hours. Don’t you remember? You hid my ruler from me and tied my hands to the chair to keep me from tracing the words with my finger. I was quite cross with you at the time and realize the gag was necessary as I may have uttered a few unladylike syllables. But the gag broke my ability and thus my need to mouth the words as well. If anyone could kill three birds with one stone, it would be you Digi! In the end I realized you were doing it for my own good and that I owe you a debt of gratitude. Besides, it is so hard to remain cross with you. That private tutoring session has made ordering from four star menus so much less of an ordeal. Re: your note, the meaning of it still escapes me however, and I can only remember a few words — was it “I’ve gone to get help?” No, wait. That was poor Cecil’s note. Anton’s was much the same if I remember correctly. It’s quite easy to lose track, you know. I will keep thinking on it.

Yes, one must be quite careful in the identification of bones; it is quite easy to mistake camel for human — much easier than you may realize!! Certainly the preponderance of bones that I uncovered ended up being dog bones and those of other, less-identifiable animals — mostly mammals. When it comes down to it human is preferable but a bone is a bone no matter what its origin.

There are no Jehovah’s Witnesses in Italy? My darling, you must be mistaken. Every time I have taken them in they have been so warm and genuinely eager to share what’s inside, and I know them to be quite spiritual and devout as we spend most of the time on our knees invoking God’s name. (I assume that is the ‘missionary position’ you refer to?) I am modest as you know, but I cannot help but be a little proud when I tell you that they often take pictures of their visits to update their proselytizing brochure. I have been featured in quite a few to date, and each time have been assured that it does wonders to increase the flock.

Oh, Digi, do you really think I have a knack for being common? You’re not just pulling my leg? It means so much to me to hear you say that. I have put such effort into connecting to the common man. I couldn’t bear it if I really had to live like that of course, so thank goodness I don’t have to. I mean, honestly — even I can only take a charade so far. I may be unpretentious, but I will surely never be caught dead buying generic in the dented box section just so there’s enough money to pay for medicine. Thank God for inheritances. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t have them.

Aloysius’ manservant’s name is “Pookie”? No, I don’t think that sounds right. Bright as you are, Digi, you were always so terrible with names. I remember you called me “vile” more than once in a rather aroused tone! When you get excited it’s so cute how you tend to get mixed up and drop your vowels. No, no. He shall always be “Pricker” to me. Or something like that.

Of course Aloysius is gay when I am around! I do everything I can to make the poor man smile, and am sure I touch him in ways he has likely not experienced in years.

Why on earth Aloysius would hire someone incapable of recognizing my voice is beyond me. Of course he would wish to talk to me! The woman answering the phone today was different; now she is asking if I want delivery or carry-out, and telling me that there is a free egg-roll with every order. I told her that I did not want delivery or carry-out, but I wished to speak to Aloysius immediately, and did she know who she was speaking to?! Can you believe she had the nerve to hang up on me?! This happened several times until finally the phone just rang and I couldn’t raise anyone. I am miffed and bewildered, Digi. Fortunately I recalled your advice and remembered that I was a Lady, and that I must comport myself with dignity.

I think I deserve a glass of wine after all that.

Your most devoted,
Lady Viola
xoxo

P.S. I was having a little pout just now over your inability to join me on Capraia for the harvest. It’s selfish, but I suppose I must accept it. I have consoled myself with the thought that it will be that much sweeter when we are finally reunited. Plus, the wine is helping quite a lot. There do seem to be quite a lot of empties around these days. You can be quite beastly, Digi. Sometimes I don’t know why I put up with you ignoring me so. Oops. Must go find grubby villager now to go help pick myself up and tuck me into bed.  (ts)

---