The Brothers Grim and Grimmer OR He Ain't Just a Heavy, He's My Brother OR The Intercepted Letters of the Brothers Pendergast
by saintkitty and loxley85
URL: http://www.bluecatsgraphics.com/pean/fanfics/66/

as Transcribed by saintkitty (sk) and loxley85 (l.85)

Part 1

My dear brother, As I know you have not yet met your demise, I am sending you a houseguest to help care for your burns. You were so kind to me about my injuries, how could I possibly ignore yours? Besides, I know you are already quite familiar with her. I believe she comes bearing a gift of olive oil. I deposited an extra 25 mil in your account for good measure. Best, Frater.   (l.85)


Dearest Frater Major, Thanks ever so for the surprise package. As you probably know by now, my treasured valise was a casualty of what turned out to be a most extraordinary train trip. I afforded many years to the collection that I thought had been lost to me forever. However, due to your gracious gift, I have now begun replenishing and replacing the little "doodads" that made my life so homey. Oh, thanks for the money, too. With much affection and gratitude, Diogenes P.S. The olive oil was rancid.  (sk)


My dear Diogenes, It gives me the greatest of pleasure in knowing that my humble gift has been so well and usefully received. Might I suggest the use of baby food jars? Terribly sorry about the olive oil, Old Man. Perhaps that is why I have been stricken with the green apple trots since my return to New York. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DRINK THE WINE!! Constance asks me to remember her to you. She says she has a little something for you. That Constance! What a card! Best Regards, A.  (sk)


Ave Frater. While baby food jars have their use, I admit, I also find Mason jars to be a bit easier to work with. Wider opening, you understand, for certain, well, rather calcific specimens. But grazi, grazi for the tip. Here's one for you regarding rancid olive oil — it works just fine for taking the squeaks out of door hinges. It also brings up a nice shine on my antique scalpels and blades. I concur absolutely with your sentiments regarding the wine. Ah, dear Constance has something for me? Please do tell her that I, too, have something very much in kind for her. Indeed, please let her know I consider myself in her debt in that I owe her quite heavily as it were, and am much looking forward to returning the favor. On that note, I remain, as always, Frater Minor.   (l.85)


My dear Diogenes, All things considered, I would hazard to presume that Mason jars would probably be best. Thank you for the suggestion concerning rancid olive oil; I will be sure to pass that along to Proctor. I would even wager that it would work well in cleaning the, pardon me, Glock. I do have several bottles with which I was unsure what to do. Several bottles. Perhaps, if you are willing to discuss a cooperative business venture, we could market them as household cleaners. I understand the orange cleaners are making a killing. (Again, beg your pardon.) On a lighter note, Constance has asked me to reply to your kind offer of a gift. She has said that she is more than ready to help you "repay" your debt, as it were. I was pleased to see that your invitation has made her very happy as she has been a bit under the weather lately; particularly in the morning. Vincent sends his regards. I remain, Your fond brother, A.  (sk)
PS. I do apologize for raising an issue that is so gauche and possibly trivial, but I fear I must ask you. In the mornings sometimes, when Constance is somewhat distraught over her current health situation, I have heard her to mutter some rather vile and untoward things regarding you and some rather delicate aspects of your person. I must ask, brother, have you any notion what she is alluding to? Again, I apologize for the somewhat offensive nature of this inquiry. Any light you may shed would be much appreciated. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Older Brother, I am much intrigued by the situation you describe concerning dear Constance. It was such a joy speaking with her and becoming so much better acquainted with her than I could ever have imagined. Why, when I left, I felt that she and I were actually on a much more intimate basis. I can only hope that the problem you are describing is some sort of influenza attack. As I treated the young lady with emotional kid gloves and aspired to be a perfect gentleman whenever I was in her company, I cannot imagine what cutting memories she has that would lead her to make any sort of "delicate" allusions to our friendship. Although, believe me when I say that I do rather appreciate Constance's razor-sharp mind. I genuinely look forward to taking another shot at renewing contact with that dear woman. In the meantime, your business proposition sounds fascinating. Mother and Father would be so pleased to see us working together. A few words about your "gift", I hope the Mason company hurries with the delivery of my rather large order as it's now trying to redecorate my library. I have a feeling that, in a few months, the favor might be returned. As always I remain, Your dear Younger Brother, D.  (sk)


Brother, yes I do understand about Constance. Sometimes a razor sharp mind, as you so aptly put it, can be prone to a rather delicate state of balance. As I know how Mother and Father raised both of us, I am certain you were quite the gentleman with her. I am sure her mutterings and a few phrases she has emitted while asleep, something to do with "size" and "not stopping now" are just the product of her troubled dreams, poor child. We shall all have to get together again at some point. I expect the meeting to be a veritable explosion of delight. As for our business, well, we must do something with all this island product. Perhaps our parents would be quite pleased if we ventured onto the path taken by grand old Hezekiah? Regrets about your library, I understand how annoying it can be when one's favorite retreat becomes cluttered not by one's own design. Do let me know when your order arrives from the Mason Jar people. Perhaps I could send Proctor around to help. The man is dead-on when it comes to aiming at a goal and finishing a job; no ifs, ands, or buts, just pure stone-cold efficiency. He is rather like my personal secret weapon and I would be happy to point him in your direction. Best as ever, Frater.  (l.85)


My dear Aloysius, Thank heaven above, my order has arrived from the Mason jar firm with great dispatch. It has now decided to design and plant a garden. It feels that the garden should be the primary site of its remodeling efforts and has included plans for — dare I say it? — wicker patio furniture. At this point, the only room I am interested in it seeing is the basement. I am beyond delighted that I can finally begin working on restoring my collection.
"Size" and "don't stop now"? Constance most definitely is referring to my brief explanations of the family portraits hanging in the manse. I know she so much enjoyed my tale and the exciting ins and outs of these family jewels. I find the concept of our next "get together" to be nothing short of explosive myself. Ah, yes, dear old Hezekiah! What a business sense that inestimable man had! Perhaps we should begin our new venture by finding an artist to design a bottle and label? Should it be spray or liquid? Many thanks for the kind offer of Proctor's services, but I really think the dear man couldn't be torn away from your side. I do hope his remuneration is commensurate with his services as I recall that you were always a tad on the niggardly side with the servants. Salute! and much affection, Your Little Brother, Diogenes.  (sk)


Happy news, brother! I am delighted that your Mason Jars have arrived and you can start on your own little event, as it were. I am sure your collection will come up to your usual par. Wicker patio furniture — my dear Diogenes the only thing that could have given me a bigger shudder would have been resin. I truly feel for you and know that you must be starting on your work post haste, undoubtedly even as I write this. I once knew an artist who would have been truly gifted at designing a label for us. I'm afraid I shall never quite forget the calamitous circumstances that dragged his friendship from my life. But let us not dwell, shall we? As for the product, I propose we offer both spray and liquid as both forms certainly have their use. Proctor is indeed a dear and loyal man. Do let me know should you feel the need to take me up on my original offer, as I know he would be quite happy to service you in any way I directed. Brother, I must admit I am slightly perturbed by your remarks regarding my remuneration when it comes to servants. I assure you, I have always paid my help quite generously. Surely you remember the maid we once had at the family manse who looked after our bedchambers? When she left our employ, she had been more than satisfied with what reward I gave her, over, above, and beyond the twice a month check, I promise you. Indeed, I gave her quite a few bonuses on the side. Ahh, but perhaps you were, at that time, busy with your own affairs. What a pair we were, little brother. Best, Frater.  (l.85)


Multos gratias, Frater, It can't understand why I won't allow it to redecorate the basement. I explained to it that the basement is the safest room in the house due to the fact that hurricane season is approaching. It isn't very bright, is it? I plan on beginning my own version of "interior decorating" next week as I still have some implements to clean with the olive oil. Amazing how gleaming and glittering it makes stainless steel surfaces! You sound a tad ticked with me, Brother. I would imagine you have many artistic friends willing to service you. It isn't exactly as if I made your friend walk the plank, as it were. You will be pleased to note that I have been doing a little research of my own regarding the physical state in which we should market our product. I allowed some of the neighbor ladies to try it in liquid form and they have been much interested as they've found it an excellent cleaner and barnacle remover. They feel that the odor is a definite drawback, however. How about adding the fragrance of lotus blossoms? That seems very apropos to me. Ah, Brother, I had forgotten how generous you were with the servants. I stand humbly corrected. I do remember that maid. I remember you telling me all the giggles and moans were because of how "into" the game you were playing you both were. Of course, it was years before I found out what kind of a game "Hide the Salami" was. As a matter of fact, isn't that why Mother and Father sent you up North to finish your undergrad work? You insisted on rummaging through the drawers of one too many servants? But then again, you never met a chest you didn't find some interest in. Best Regards to Constance. Hope the situation with her health is not becoming too large and pressing. Until Later, With Much Affection, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear little brother, I am not "ticked" with you as you may suppose, about my friend. And though as you point out I have a great many artistic friends with wonderful services to offer, the one we discussed was closest to me, after all. As for being "ticked," well, what was that Father always said about "don't get mad..."? I wholly subscribe to that myself, as you well know. In other areas, I do fear that with what you have on your hands, "not very bright" is rather euphemistic, as it were. Quite mildly put, if I might say so. I know you are on your way to solving problems — you've always been excellent at dealing with obstacles, I admit — and so I await to hear further about your plans and outcomes. Little brother, are you trying to vex me? Of course I went to undergrad up North completely of my own volition. And as for our servants' drawers, if memory serves, dear man, I do recall one of the downstairs maids having to be hospitalized after one of your "evenings of diversion", as you so politely put it. But here we are, sniping at each other for things so long in the past, one could almost completely block them out with no trace of memory whatsoever. I do hope this finds you in good health. I am becoming worried about dear Constance as she is beginning to eat absolutely unspeakable things (Taco Bell and rocky road ice cream? I taught her far better than that!) and gaining weight as an unfortunate consequence of this strange behavior. Perhaps it is time to visit Feversham. But I do not write to worry you. Adieu, brother, and take care. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Aloysius, Ahem. Yes. As I recall, you have always been rather adept at selective memories. A rather magical ability as I remember it. I had no idea that the maid you are referring to had high blood pressure and was not taking medication. I had no idea, as well, that she fainted at the sight of blood. Informing me of that unfortunate circumstance would have been the brotherly thing to do. "Of course I went to undergrad up North completely of my own volition." As you say, of course, Older Brother. (Chuckle). Returning to a more pleasant topic, it has been very quiet for the past few hours. Versed does do wonders as a conversation-stopper! I'm trying desperately to think of some way of disposing of wicker patio furniture that it ordered from QVC. Do you suppose I could return it for a full refund? Please ask Constance as I know she is an aficionado. I plan on beginning work in reclaiming my valise collection within the next few days as I am preparing something really spectacular for such a spectacularly dull presence. It was beginning to try "poking" around in my bedroom so I knew I had to do something quickly. Speaking of Constance and her unusual appetite, now I know for sure that she is ill. Perhaps she has drunk something that didn't agree with her? When you were recovering in the private clinic, all you wanted to eat was Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup and Ho-Ho's. I really had the devil of a time finding those Ho-Ho's too. This would also well explain the weight gain. I would hold off on a visit to Feversham until Constance herself requests it. Wouldn't do to have such a vulnerable young lady feel even more high-strung and expectant. Perhaps a regular series of exercise would be helpful? I am hearing some stirring in the nether regions of my abode so I must discontinue this missive for now. Best Regards, Your Little Brother.  (sk)

Part 2

My dear brother, as to informing you that the maid had high blood pressure and no medication to speak of, well, that can hardly be my look-out now, can it? And in the end, you did learn to do thorough preparatory research, so perhaps all was not lost. Versed can be quite a helpful tool, I will admit that. Some time we will have to discuss the various means of administering the dose. The injection, while very quick, is terribly unsubtle, I have found. Still, the sleight of hand required to keep the needle a secret until the last possible moment is not something you would be wanting in, I am sure. As for asking Constance about your wicker furniture and QVC, I am somewhat reluctant to broach your name at the moment, brother, as I must regrettably inform you that Constance has taken to staring at herself — and her distressful weight gain — in the mirror and muttering all manner of vile imprecations with your name in all of them. I confess I do not quite know what to make of it, but again am reluctant to address the subject with her. Proctor is already quite beside himself trying to keep the freezer stocked with Ben & Jerry's. And lately odd things like pickles and entire jars of pimentos have been vanishing. Should her disposition improve shortly I will endeavor to suggest the exercise — however, the last time I came close to bringing up that same subject, she simply replied "I'll show you exercise" and came at me with a baseball bat in one hand and a golf club in the other. I am very much afraid I shall have to get her to the clinic soon. This cannot simply be the result of too many Taco Grandes. Ah, but I am burdening you with my cares. Do let me know how the project progresses. And did you finish sterilizing your jars? Regards, Frater.  (l.85)


Ave Frater! What a wonderful week this has been! The jars are sterilized, the instruments are cleaned and sharpened to my satisfaction, and the new addition to my collection is confining its questions to asking only when the hurricane will be over. The Versed is primed and ready. Thank you so much for the tips re: administering the drug. I have found, through painstaking trial and error, that even though intravenous injections are hardest, the result is most gratifying. The "sleight of hand" method does tend to keep one on one's toes and improves both mental and manual dexterity. Although with this particular subject, I am seriously debating whether or not to let it see the needle. Terror tends to make the skin much more supple and the hair nice and glossy. There is a massive storm front moving in tomorrow, and the sound of thunder claps is a wonderful way to mask any stray or unusual noises from escaping unwarranted. It is also Girl Scout Cookie time here so I can count on my doorbell ringing several times a day with little ladies asking me to purchase their wares. I do have a reputation for being heavily addicted to Do-Si-Do's. I think I've found a solution to my wicker patio furniture problem. After examining it closely, I feel that it will make a truly inimitable tool for forcing under finger and toe nails. Ah, Poor Constance! I have searched my memories of our meetings diligently for the slightest clue that I may have inadvertently said something that might explain her problem. I felt that our conversations were always rather uplifting on my part and eagerly received on hers. It occurs to me that perhaps she was telling you that she would like to take up some sort of sport but cannot decide between baseball and golf. Be grateful it isn't bowling. Perhaps the dear young woman is watching too much television. You know how persuasive those commercials can be regarding trying new foods and cleaning products. Let me know if she shows signs of an Ajax fetish. Do what you must about the clinic, but I do feel that perhaps, under the circumstances, Yankees tickets might be a better solution. Speaking of solutions, how are you coming with finding an artiste to design our label? Best Regards, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear brother, the idea of Constance taking up a sport is quite alarming. The dear child won't wear anything but her turn-of-the century frocks, and while they are quite charming on her, I cannot see her tucking the skirts up into the waist band and doing bicycle kicks on a muddy soccer field. Perhaps croquet, although lately we have been trying to keep certain items away from her, and a croquet mallet would fall into that category. I never realized how many stray walking sticks, umbrellas, canes, and even brooms we have around this place. As for the real weapons, well Proctor and I are both on security mode. Dear child, so troubled and currently, as drastic as this may seem, somewhat... well, let's leave it at locking up the weapons. Vincent has been to visit, and what a sense of humor! He actually suggested she come to stay with you as the excitement might do her some good! I thought about it, I admit, as your island is very secure with just the right amount of adventure to be had what with the hiking trails, but thought the better of it, and was able to catch Proctor before he had packed her completely. How clever of you to find a use for the wicker furniture, but then you always were the clever one weren't you? At least, if memory serves, that is what you convinced our dear Mother to believe. Quite the fair-haired boy when we were younger, weren't you, brother, if memory serves. Ah, but let us talk about the future. Any hope of adding the lotus blossom fragrance to our business venture? I await all news. Yours, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Older Brother, Why I do think that Constance coming to visit my small, isolated island is a wonderful plan! I'm sure that plenty of fresh air and exercise on all those hiking trails and swimming in the private coves where no one would ever disturb us would be just the ticket. Perhaps a stop in Roma to purchase at least something in the latest more roomy fashions would interest her? Based on your warning, I most certainly would clear the villa of any sharp instruments or walking aids. Is she permitted to use a knife and fork? I don't, of course, expect you to send the poor young lady alone. A chaperone would definitely be needed to accompany her on her voyage. Perhaps your friend Dr. Green? Do keep me informed as to the appropriateness of this "little vacation" for dear Constance as I am already preparing a big surprise for her upon her arrival. I most certainly would delight at the opportunity to "cut through to the bone" of any feigned contentiousness between us. My hobby is coming along swimmingly! When it finally figured out what the general plan was, the reaction was most entertaining. Why, Brother Dear, I am quite surprised that your ears were not burning. In its last moments of consciousness, it had quite a few very uncomplimentary things to say about you. For how long of a time did you leave it alone with Constance whilst on Capraria? Were there any truck drivers present? My! You have certainly fallen out of favor with the womenfolk! At first, it didn't mind at all being strapped down. In fact, I distinctly received the impression that it was quite used to that and that it was actually looking forward to it. No jars filled yet as at this time I am enjoying the silence. I will certainly let you know how it progresses. I cannot help that I was the Baby, Aloysius. And as I was such a colorful, intelligent tyke, why, of course, Mother was charmed. When you stood against the white walls of the Receiving Parlor, she couldn't even see you half of the time. Spectacular news about our product's fragrance! The lotus-blossom scent added to the rancid olive oil makes the product smell like industrial-strength Clorox so I toned it down with some pine, which I believe is the preferred cleaning scent of our homeland. It cut the chlorine smell nicely and now boasts the lovely, fresh scent of a woods mingled with a spaghetti dinner garden party. Please advise me of any or all plans. How is the label design progressing? Yours fondly, Diogenes  (sk)


Little Brother, I am still on the fence about sending Constance off to your island. After all, the last time she went there the results were less than edifying, if I might say so. I understand that you get up to some hijinks, brother, but involving Constance that way was not the best decision you have ever made. She was quite excitable and very difficult to soothe. At one point when I told her to calm down, she started shouting "du calme yourself" at me in a very loud voice and demanding absinthe. So you see, this merits further consideration. My friend Dr. Green is very busy at the museum and says as far as Pendergast affairs are concerned, she will be busy for approximately the next 19 years. She is always happy to see me when I stop in but she is truly very, very busy. Should Constance need a chaperone I might just have to part with Proctor for the duration. He said he is quite willing to go, if need be, and very eager to go "mano a mano" with you on those trails. I fear he has been reading too many adventure books again. So much simpler when it was just the Red Sox. Oh, and for future reference, Constance is currently using a spork. Dear brother, glad your hobby is progressing swimmingly. Truck drivers on the island? No truck drivers, but there was a contingent of day laborers who came to the island at one point to help move a relative. Quite a few of them, all young, strong, boisterous, and a bit slow but good-natured. For some reason they kept winding up in the olive groves. They must have been doing side work and having a hot time of it, as I would come across one or three of them at a time, always quite covered in sweat and in various states of undress. Why do you ask? As for when you were a tyke, yes, "colorful" and "intelligent" would be one way to describe you as a child, brother. I might have said "maladjusted" and "precocious", but then Mother always was a bit naive in that regard. As for the white of the parlor walls, dear brother that was my choice as well. So much more tasteful as compared to the way someone insisted on decorating his bedroom in early crime scene. Really, the blood spatter patterns and the body outlines on the floor, not to mention the machete sticking out of the wall, were a bit outre, even forgiving your young age at the time. But let's not snipe, shall we? Good work on the fragrance! I am still trying to locate an artist for our label, alas. The name "Pendergast" for some reason is currently having an odd effect in the artistic community, but I will keep searching. Brother, we do need a name for this product. Please put that brilliant mind to work and conjure us up a name and a tag line. Ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Older Brother, Truthfully, I cannot remember anything extraordinary happening during Constance's first visit to my island. Perhaps she was overcome with the long journey and the loss of her luggage? When she arrived, she was quite eager to "let the games begin" as it were. Much against my better judgement of course. When she insisted on traveling to the volcano's ridge, I found that, no matter how many shots I gave it, I could not dissuade her. When she wanted to show me that new dance step she was so proud of learning in Florence, I felt that the volcano's lip was a poor choice of location, but she seemed so determined. Had I known how complicated the hand positions were, I would have bent over backward to redirect her energies. What's absinthe? A gelato flavor? Dr. Green's response to my invitation is rather a large disappointment. I had so been hoping that a vacation on my delightful little island would be just the shot in the arm she needed. Excellent sleeping weather, too. I certainly am thrilled that Proctor is so ready, willing, and able to escort Constance to Stromboli, but really Brother, I couldn't ask you to part with such a valued and trusted member of your household. Remind me to send him a first edition copy of "The Most Dangerous Game". Is, perhaps, that lovely Captain Hayward due for vacation time soon? I cannot imagine what Lady Maskelene would need with so many laborers playing with her olive grove. Perhaps you should have kept better abreast of the situation, which is why I asked. It would not do at all for Constance to stumble upon some broad-shouldered, sweaty, tanned, dark-haired, dark-eyed Italian laborer in such a primal setting. Were you remiss in your duties towards her? Why must you always taunt me about Mother? Mother was extremely intelligent and never thought that I was "maladjusted". That was that poisonous old Great Aunt of ours. You know. The one you always fawned over so disgracefully. Just because Mother couldn't find you until you began wearing black all of the time is not really an exceptionally nice reason to mock my choice of bedroom decor. At least my bedroom walls weren't pink. Work on my collection has been very disappointing to date. The most interesting parts are so worn from overuse that they aren't really worth the bother. But I am harvesting as I can. Let me know how goes the search for an artist. If you have continuing difficulties in that area, may I suggest that you perhaps avail yourself of the services of one of those fine police artists? Awaiting your next missive, Your doting brother, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear younger brother, Let me first say that I am sorry that your harvesting is not quite as interesting as you would have hoped. I was afraid that would happen, having done a little precursory research in that area myself but stopping as soon as I acquired what information I needed. I found little point in taking that ride to its well-worn end, as it were. Still, I hope you can replace some of your lost treasures nonetheless. To that end I am enclosing a monogrammed valise I took the liberty of purchasing when I saw it on sale somewhere on 5th Avenue. As soon as I saw it I knew who would appreciate those rich, warm leather tones, not to mention the extra-security lock. Captain Hayward is keeping a rather circumspect distance from me. It appears that she has come to some rather strange conclusions about the relationship between Vincent and myself. We have both explained at wearisome length that Vincent took that impulsive trip to Italy with me while working on a case, that all of his hugs have been not only one-sided, but prompted by surprise and delight to find me alive at one point, and out of prison at another, and that on no account did he visit me in solitary confinement when I was still incarcerated. Still, she is very wary for some reason and when we are all together it is quite awkward as she watches both of us like a hawk and raises objections if we should want to go the restroom at the same time. Vincent is not helping, as he has always been somewhat touchy-feely for my tastes. Proctor would thus still be my chaperone of choice for Constance. He thanks you very much, incidentally, for the first edition of "The Most Dangerous Game." He was much taken by it and says he looks forward to "throwing down" with you. Odd, I don't remember that particular phrase in that work of literature. Brother, my bedroom was not "pink" as you allege. I was very young when I painted it and didn't fully realize that Victorian Red paint would bleed through Monastic White. Father and I solved the problem, do remember, by simply papering with classical white-on-white. As for Great Aunt Cornelia, she was never poisonous to me, although she could be alarmingly sharp. I know she did have the unfortunate habit of showing favoritism towards me when we were both with her. Do I detect perhaps a note of envy tucked away in your sentences, mon frere? By the way, I did have a chance to stop by the museum recently and though Dr. Green was as usual busy, she did ask that I send you a message which is, ver batim, "There are no more lilies so please stop bothering me." Brother, are you taking a sudden interest in gardening? Do tell. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)


My dear Brother, After close examination of the stock I had to work with, I can quite understand where you would demure at chasing that particular tail, as it were. It certainly did reveal itself to giving a whole new life to the phrase "Coochie Mama". I beg a thousand pardons if I appear vulgar, but you have no idea of the length of my disappointment. It certainly appears to have had itself a ball on several occasions. I have yet to fill even a third of my jars with anything even approaching useful. My deepest thanks for the wonderful valise!It looks quite like the one that I had lost on that unfortunate train trip. It will be quite sufficient for the task at hand. You always were most thoughtful with your gifts; I can remember all of the servants speaking so highly of your Christmas bonuses. I do so love a good sale! Please let me know if you run across any leather shaving kits as I seemed to have misplaced my razor. I appreciated the thank you note inside the valise form Proctor. The dear man is most anxious to make the trip to my little island, you know. I am thinking of the best way to accommodate a fiery end to his obviously passionate desire to join me for a few weeks of hunting. I can promise him that his little adventure would not end in a cliffhanger. The enclosed note form Constance was terribly hard to decipher. You are allowing her only crayons with which to write? Please thank Dr.Green for her interest in my garden. I had no idea that horticulture was of such great interest to her. I will fill in the plot I was keeping open for her contribution to my landscaping endeavors with some potted remains of a blossom with which I have had little to no luck in fertilizing. I can offer no helpful suggestions at all to your little problem with the ever-dauntless Captain Hayward. I understand your relationship with the inestimable Vincent completely. Perhaps, if the two of you did something terribly masculine such as joining the summer baseball league of the PAL, she would cast a more understanding eye on your comings and goings together. I have always thought that you would make a first-class switch hitter and the dauntless Captain a fine relief pitcher. Perhaps she resents the glow in your eyes whenever you refer to the Lieutenant as "my dear Vincent"?I had always thought that Father had helped you paper your walls because of the holes you put in them from practicing with the hunting rifle he had given you for you eleventh birthday. I remember that Mother was quite upset when you papered over those pink walls of yours as she had hoped to match her new boudoir drapes to that color. Envious of your relationship with Great Aunt Cornie? My dear fellow, it was not I who persisted in pandering to her obsession with opera. I would much rather have drunk poison, but it did leave time for Mother and me to have some lovely afternoons to ourselves. Well, I must leave off for now as the first shipment of Do-Si-Do's has arrived. I am quite sure that no explanation is necessary. Enclosed please find a rather exciting recipe for "English Butter Tarts". You make it with Lady Fingers. Regards and many thanks again, Your Younger Brother, Diogenes.  (sk)

Part 3

Little Brother, I am gratified to learn that you enjoyed the valise. I thought you might. That sort of warm dark leather with the almost blood-red highlights seemed to have your name written all over it. As for the shaving kit, my dear Diogenes, you are terribly careless with your razor blades. It seems to me you lost more than a handful when we were quite young and you weren't even shaving yet. I know you blamed some of them disappearing on dear Aunt Cornelia, and I still am somewhat shocked you would accuse our most respected elder relative with such a petty act of thievery. However, I will look for a kit, as you have asked. You could probably find a good one on E-bay. I saw a great deal on a knife there the other day, posted by a seller using the name of AngryCenturyChickonAbsinthe. What odd names people use these days. Proctor sends his regards and remarked that the hunt sounds exciting and hopes it will take place as soon as possible, adding that he hoped to take up where Ms. Constance had left off. How funny! Constance has never read The Most Dangerous Game. Oh, and I do apologize for the little illegible note she enclosed for you. She has taken to watching movies such as "Manhunter," "The Hunted" and "I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka" and only scribbled something on impulse when Proctor offered her the chance to include a note. The crayon was on the table but was terribly melted from some sort of doll or figure she's been making out of wax and bits of cloth. Funny little thing it is, decked out in a suit with rather reddish hair and one blue eye. She told me just yesterday she was able to find some hat pins. She does send her regards and asks with great interest after your health. Since she has been getting out into the world, I must say her interests are becoming more eclectic. Ah, I am afraid Proctor is the only baseball afficionado at Riverside Drive at the moment, but thank you for your suggestion about joining a team. However, although I was once told I was quite a heavy hitter and swung quite a mighty bat, I am afraid I much prefer a quiet evening by the fire at this time. I must go as Proctor is going to the dry cleaners and I have any number of suits and especially ties and handkerchiefs that need cleaning. Amazing the toll daily activities can have on one's wardrobe. All best as ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Dearest Frater, Thank you ever so for the tip about E-Bay. I had used it once to purchase an antique razor in its original box but never thought to look for a shaving kit. As soon as things slow down here a tad, I hope to find the time to examine the site more closely. I received a most interesting note form Proctor. It seems that he has been spending a great deal of time at the Yankees games recently as his son, Scott, his pitching for them. Do let me know how Young Scott is performing as we don't receive the YES Channel here. He has informed me as well that he will be vacationing in Buffalo for awhile so he will not be available to chaperone Dear Constance on a journey to my little island hide-away. He did mention something about having to pack several ties. Brother, whatever could he mean? I assumed they spend quite a few evenings dressing for dinner. It is so heartwarming to hear that Constance has found a hobby that she seems to be enjoying! Wax sculpting can be so creative! I do think still that interesting her in participating in a sport would be an excellent outlet for her rather than those unfortunate films she has been watching. I understand completely about her choice of attire, but I do thing that with a little persuasion on your part you might possibly talk her into discarding her clothing for you. As you've always been the smooth-tongued one of us, I should think you would find her to be rather easy in that regard. Why, I distinctly remember one particular chamber maid mentioning that your tongue should be bronzed and sent to a Hall of Fame. We definitely should be working on a label and a production strategy for our new product. Perhaps, you could find the time to put some serious work into it? Regards to Constance, Vincent, and, of course, your dear friend, Dr. Green (Anything of interest going on there, Brother?) Let me know about our project soonest. With warmth, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear brother, Frankly, I was surprised to hear Proctor told you about his son. Although I sense he was quite proud when he told me, he also confided that the young man was NOT playing for Boston. We haven't spoken about it since. As for the vacation in Buffalo, yes, the good man absconds to Buffalo several times a year, usually just for an extended weekend. He did remark once that any longer in Buffalo would be the death of him. Still, I get the strongest sense he comes back quite satisfied and content. I don't know what he is doing and I have never sought to find out (I gave him my word) but he does take his entire necktie collection when he goes and quite a few belt changes as well. I have begun to wonder if he is involved in some sort of quick-change cult but I have no reason yet to look into it. He always comes back punctually, if a trifle exhausted and somewhat glassy-eyed. Well, there is wax sculpture and there is wax sculpture, dear brother. If memory serves, I believe you became quite enthralled with life-size animal wax sculpturing when we were boys — at about the same time all the neighborhood pets began to vanish. I remember quite vividly as the next door neighbor's maid had hysterics when she saw your rendition of their bulldog. Quite lifelike. Constance is currently making a new wax figure as she told me the first one was somehow damaged by hat pins. She did ask me to let you know this, although I am uncertain as to why. Alas, she has no interest in becoming involved in any sport. Recently, she has taken up knitting in various shades of pink and blue, color choices that quite surprised me. She did make the interesting observation that a pointed knitting needle is nearly as good as a golf club. I am not quite sure I understand that statement. I, the smooth-tongued one? I? Au contraire, mon frere. While I do remember that particular chamber maid, and how kind of her to say that about me as we only chatted once or twice, although I did manage to thrill her with some carefully timed honeyed licks of poetry, as it were, you, dear Diogenes, could easily talk a man out of a penthouse window. Dr. Green, as noted, is still quite busy. Last time I went to the museum, she waved at me through the window of a locked door, saying "I'm very busy" if my lip-reading skills remain intact. Vincent sends "his heartiest regards with a bullet," he says. As to the label, I will try, brother, though the household is currently requiring my full attention between Proctor's absence and Constance's inexplicable appetite. Oh, and mood swings. I see her strolling past the doorway right now with a bat in one hand and what looks to be almost like a red-headed pinata wearing a suit. How curious. I really must run. In haste but with best regards, Frater.  (l.85)


Brother, I must admit that I am becoming quite annoyed at what I deem to be your continual references to Dear Constance holding some unspeakable feelings towards my person. Furthermore, if you cannot comprehend the rather obvious reason for why the dear lady is so out of sorts, is knitting in pink and blue, and will soon be purchasing her attire at the local tent-maker's than perhaps Proctor needs to discuss the long and short of it with you. It is quite obvious to me that Constance wants a puppy. Although I would be rather cautious about gifting her with a small creature as I am sure you know how excitable Dear Constance can be when fully aroused. She is seemingly angry as she thinks that you are, once again, overlooking the obvious, apparently does not care what gender the puppy is, and is eating out of boredom. Stop and think, Brother Mine. When was the last time that you escorted her to the local Dairy Queen or engaged her in a rousing game of paintball? I feel that you have been most remiss in your attentions to her and are attempting to blame me for your lackadaisical attitude. When was the last time you gave her a gift just for nothing? And I am definitely not talking about some mousey little trinket either. Expensive bath oils are always nice you know. I am positive, that if you try diligently enough you can come to some conclusion as to what the young lady deeply desires to have in her hands. Surely, if you initiate it, Constance herself can guide you in thrusting yourself into the situation. I genuinely hope that you are a tad more adept at giving her something from which she will receive a huge bang, as it were. Please do not give her anything along the same lines as you have recently been so thoughtful as to send my humble self. Not that I am looking a gift horse in the mouth, mind you, but I am not quite sure that your last endeavor to me in that area was...how shall I say?...not exactly the brightest crayon in the box? And also had too many unusable parts. I deeply resent being made to feel that basically what I was receiving was so much damaged goods. As far as my boyhood hobby of wax sculpting goes, I do indeed remember it fondly. Mother could never understand why the neighbors were always so upset by my efforts in that area. She came, eventually, to the correct conclusion that most of them were so artistically challenged themselves that they were a tad jealous of my rather obvious talents. Do you recall the time that Mrs. Dulac came to the manse demanding that Father do something about her pussy? The Dear Lady, obviously distraught, accused me of fondling it to the point where it was veritably ruined for any other touch but mine. Ah, those were the days! Well, Brother. I must be off now as I am expecting a rather large shipment from the Dell Computer people to be arriving shortly. Fondest regards to All, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear Minor, If I am making "continual references to Dear Constance holding some unspeakable feelings towards your person" as you put it, rest assured it is only because she is doing so. Continually, constantly, ad inifinitum. I am not necessarily in a hurry to go wading into these particular waters, Brother, but she is beginning to make me wonder about your particular conversations with her. I know you have stated in the past that they were quite uplifting on your part, but one can sometimes be raised to such heights that there is no satisfaction even after the climax of such spirited intercourse. Constance and a puppy? I cannot even imagine such a scenario. She seems to have an aversion toward animals — even complained at one point about a particular mouse that eventually came to an unfortunate death by her own hands, I believe. I am not certain that a puppy would be a very practical idea at this particular juncture. >>I feel that you have been most remiss in your attentions to her and are attempting to blame me for your lackadaisical attitude.<< I felt compelled to copy that sentence in its entirety so that I might respond to it in equal spirit. Do be careful where you tread, dearest and only brother. Were we still in New Orleans, such a statement could have given rise to, shall we say, a dawn meeting at the dueling tree? Ah, but we are not in New Orleans and this is, after all, the twenty-first century. I assure you I have been ever vigilant with Constance and shower her with what attention she needs, even beyond what she might ask. Why, just the other day I found myself using my tongue, as you so blithely word it, to soothe her agitation and arousal over yet some other trifle, which I might add somehow is connected to you. I did have to remove the piñata as I found it was packed quite tightly with a highly unstable explosive. She assured me that she meant not to hang it and swing at it, but to take it to the riverfront and bat it as far away as possible. Perhaps she really ought to join a softball team. Regardless, she was quite unhappy with me when I forcibly removed the bat from her hands. She does so like having some sort of rigid object in her hands, be it the fireplace poker or candlestick. Such restless fingers! Nevertheless, I do find myself resenting somewhat your rather cavalier observations as to how I care for my ward. Let me clarify for you that Constance is cherished, petted, and caressed to her content and to my own satisfaction. I cannot imagine either of us wanting in this relationship. And I must tell you that I am quite injured that you could find it in you to accuse me of sending you damaged goods, as it were. My dear Diogenes, I was trying to be generous and help you with your hobby. I am not intimate with your particular mode of collecting and as I do not dabble in that particular interest, how am I to know what you would manage to find fault with? As ever, the older brother tries to do a kindness only to have younger brother turn up his nose as usual. We do have a history of that. But let us not spend so much time jousting with one another. I do remember our neighbor Mrs. Dulac and her pussy as well. Isn't she the one who received the city variance to place motion sensors and razor wire around her property? I always thought that a bit odd. Oh, and Constance cannot be allowed anywhere near a Dairy Queen at this time. Also, Dunkin Donuts, Taco Bell, and Arby's are quite outside the acceptable parameters at this point. Do trust me on that. A large shipment from Dell? What new passion are you haring after now? I anticipate your answer with great interest on my part. Yours, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Big Brother, You hurt my feelings. I was only trying to be helpful and present you with various possibilities for aiding Dear Constance in her hour of travail. Had I known that you would throw a major hissy fit, as it were, I would have kept my mental ramblings to myself. You never let me help you. Even as boys, Mother always had to make you take me with you when you went exploring even when your destination turned out to be a rather magical event.
Perhaps, if you feel that my attempts at refocusing your position with Constance are too rigid, then I will most certainly pull out before things come to a messy climax. I, in no possible way, desire to force myself between you. If Constance is continuing these rather vicious tirades against me, then may I suggest the words form the old song, "You always hurt the one you love". As far as impugning your "gift" to me, I was under the considerable impression, straight from It's own lips, that you had dabbled a tad with It under those starry island nights. As a matter of fact, It contended that you had plunged right in with much abandon to the task at hand; a picture, I can assure you, that I didn't need. Upon hearing this, I immediately assumed that you had a rather extensive working knowledge of what was truly usable for anything other than reconstructive surgery. I do beg your forgiveness; something that you never really learned to do. Arby's? I do so miss Arby's. All that nice bloody rare beef on a bun. And Horsey Sauce! Speaking of which, how come you had all the pets? You had a horse, and you had that rather religious little mouse. All I had was Mrs. Dulac's pussy, and it had seen better days, believe me. Although it was nicely furry. I remember warming my fingers in that glossy pelt many a time. I am really very excited about my newest project. I am attempting to address the theme of global catastrophe with the latest computer equipment and software from Dell, which I am going to redesign myself. It should be a happening of earth shaking proportions. I feel that I would like to give back to humanity something of what it has given me after all of these years. Father always said to make sure we gave back to the little people. Father had such an altruistic heart! Must run for now. Hopefully, our little tiff is behind us. Mother said you were supposed to watch out for me, after all. Regards, The Baby.  (sk)


Brother mine, I hurt your feelings and then threw "a major hissy fit?" I have never learned to beg forgiveness? Well, pardonnez-moi, mon frere, as I can see there are still serious misconceptions on your part. You do tend to put me at a disadvantage when you play your guilt card. But never mind, never mind, perhaps the intricate and even convoluted landscapes of your thinking processes, what with your higher IQ and all, can sometimes be a hindrance, non? As for Mother forcing me to take you everywhere with me, all I can say to that is Mother did not have to listen to you conjugating your Latin for hours on end, enough to drive anyone to seek some sort of, as you put it, "magical" escape. "Dabbling a tad on those starry nights?" I beg your pardon, that truly is quite an offensive comment, even from you. I know it is the way of a younger brother to try and nettle the older one, but my dear younger brother — dabbling with that on those starry nights? I shudder to think. And come to think of it, who has been dabbling where, I might ask? And have you blocked out all memory, Diogenes, that you had your pets as well, Ms. Dulac's pussy notwithstanding? The difference was, mine remained alive for the most part (barring the rather vicious and cruel fate that took Incitatus from me), and also in view. Your pets, on the other hand, had the strange habit of disappearing and then turning up, well, quite past their expiration dates, as I recall. I am not making any judgments here, Minor, and perhaps everything was simply misfortune as you would tell our parents with those rather large tears welling from your eyes and streaking down your little woebegone face. That was a nice touch as it diverted their attention from those suspicious stains on your shorts, as it were. But come, let's not snipe. You know how much I prefer to simply forget what is in past. Ahh, so you are playing computer games now, are you? Global catastrope, no less? Sounds quite challenging. Perhaps we could take each other on in such a contest. Earthshaking and with the entire planet at stake is intriguing. Was that a gauntlet you tossed at my feet, dear brother (amused chuckle). How we Pendergasts like a good jest. However, it is time for me to take the evening constitutional with Constance and I do not like to keep her waiting. Keeping her waiting can sometimes lead to adverse reactions if she is in the vicinity of the freezer where Proctor keeps the Ben and Jerry's. But you once more reminded me of the task Mother did charge me with: I shall indeed be watching out for you. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)

Part 4

Amo tu, Frater, Well, it certainly is encouraging to see that you still retain that rather legendary sense of humor of yours. You are absolutely correct in that I did boast of the higher IQ, but you certainly could best me at... Well, surely there must have been something. Mother always did hope that you would eventually attain your highest potential. I must say though, that the reason I was constantly reviewing my Latin with you was because you lagged so far behind me in that particular subject that I thought to help you progress in your studies with the constant drill. Speaking of dabbling, Brother, was there anything interesting between you and Dr. Green? Her interest always seemed to be so aroused whenever you would make an appearance. Voulez vous couche avec? Pardon my being so bold as to inquire, but perhaps you need to spread it around a tad more than you have been doing these past SEVERAL years? You seem to be rather taut and could seemingly use a good old-fashioned "roll in the hay" as it were. With your rather interesting looks, carefully constrained dress, and rip-roaring sense of the absurd, I cannot, in my wildest dreams, think that you would have any problems with the ladies. I myself knock them dead whenever I can. Perhaps you are still having that little "leverage" problem? I understand from perusing the latest edition of "JAMA" that there are many fine products currently on the market for that sort of thing. Never having had a problem with a dissatisfying ending, I wouldn't know personally, of course. I presume that was the problem with Lady Masculine, or whatever. Although I do feel much more reassured now that I know that Its unobvious charms didn't contribute to any desire on your part to explore the terrain, as it were. We can never allow the Pendergast Prowess to become flaccid. It is of mythic proportions after all. Thank you for inquiring after my latest hobby. Please know that there will definitely be a large role for you. Something that may quite literally turn your hair white. (Just a humorous aside, Brother.) For now, I am keeping the game under close wraps for security's sake. (And no peeking! I remember what a little sneak you were at Christmas time. Always counting to make sure you had as many gifts as I. Father always told you that curiosity killed the cat, and I can vouch for that as being the absolute truth.) Well. I'm off to prepare a rather intimate late supper for a friend of mine who is coming to call this evening. The oysters are already on ice (not that I need them), and I am rising to the occasion at the merest thought of the penetrating dessert I have planned for my guest. It will give just the right afterglow to the evening's entertainments. Enjoy your constitutional with Dear Constance. Perhaps a nice quiet game of "Scrabble' will help you both unwind. As always, I remain, Your Dear Brother, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear baby brother, my sense of humor has remained intact, I assure you. It has helped to save my sanity on more than one occasion. Yes, you did have the higher IQ, didn't you, Mother's little Mensa Monster? As for besting you at something, well, I always had higher scores in the "stability" section of the tests, I believe. Lag behind in Latin? Minor, I did not lag behind in Latin. I simply did not feel the need to immerse myself in it until it was bleeding from my pores, as it were. I do not have the obsessive-compulsive disposition others around me might. Ah, the good Dr. Green may have been aroused by my conversation and knowledge, but she has always been career-minded, something I certainly understand and admire. Anyone who practically lives at the museum, as she assures me she does at the moment, is very driven. Please do not not feel the need to concern yourself regarding my "spreading it around" or having a "roll in the hay." Unlike some I know, I do not feel the need to discuss my very personal life. While it is true I do not seek a permanent relationship at this time, there is no reason for you to believe that I don't get roped into something here or there, oftentimes bound up in a lighthearted evening with a lady friend. I assure you, the rise and fall of my relationship line has been mostly on the upswing and it's frequently a hard time of it to have evenings just on my own. I do, as you observe, have absolutely no problem with the ladies, but discretion is a large part of my makeup. You, dear brother, may keep the much-deserved reputation as the real ladykiller in the Pendergast family. Ah, a large role in your new computer/world conquest hobby? How refreshing. I look forward to it. It has been a little bit of time since you gave me reason to answer the call, stockpile the ammunition, and mine the beaches as it were. Soon it will be quite like old times, eh? Oh, and Diogenes, while I was counting the Christmas presents, do understand that I was also quite aware that someone else was literally opening a package here and there and then re-wrapping it before being found out, speaking of sneaking about. But do let's stop this silly sniping back and forth. I do hope you ate enough oysters to fortify yourself at your late night dinner, little brother. "Flaccid" and "Pendergast" in the same sentence is an oxymoron. Take my word, this branch of the Pendergast family is as upright and firmly upheld as ever. Best regards, Frater.  (l.85)


My dear Aloysius, I am quite mystified as to the barb against my membership in Mensa. I am positive that you would have finally been accepted as well if you had only allowed me to aid you in your studies. That black-ball was never intended as an offense, you know. But on to cheerier tidings! I am going to overlook that crude reference to Mother. Again. I fail to understand why my relationship with Mother seems to have aggravated you so. After all, you were Father's favorite. Of course, you looked exactly like him except that he had pigmentation. I did, however, really enjoy the Latin conversations Father and I had in the evenings. You remember. You couldn't really participate because your Latin was not fluent enough to keep up. Isn't that why Mother decided that you could take lessons from Cook instead? Oh, the fond memories I have of you moving about the kitchen nearly invisible in front of those pristine white walls. Makes me chuckle even now when I think of it. But as you say, Brother Dear, let's not snipe about the past. Ah, Brother, I am gratified to hear that your social life is not limited to the Fair Constance, Proctor, and the ever-ready Lieutenant. As for a permanent relationship...well, I myself would be unwilling to become domesticated in any way, as it were, so I understand your unwillingness to be tied down completely. On the other hand, just exactly how many of the fairer sex can you actually coerce into entering the manse when they have seen it for the first time from outside? They must feel like they are in the company of a serial-murderer. It is rather bleak, you know. What exactly do you ever do with Dear Constance whilst you are "entertaining"? Before your dalliance with Lady Masculine, or whatever, I had always felt that you were a tad fussy about your guests. I don't care to use "desperate" and "dateless" in the same sentence, Brother Mine, but I have always felt that Latin was not the only spot in which you lagged behind me. "A lighthearted evening with a lady friend"? Brother, are you visiting brothels again? Well, I surmise that you just cannot keep a good man down; especially a Pendergast. I cannot believe you accuse me of unwrapping Christmas gifts!! I was only trying to retape those that had come undone. If you had only stopped your infernal counting long enough, you would have noticed that my intentions were honorable. My newest hobby is coming along brilliantly! Mine the beaches? No, no, Dear Boy. This has nothing to do with World War II. This is something much more....shall we say insidious? Guess what? That horrendously rancid olive oil excretes just the proper gas to use in my new "game"! I call it "Global Devastation". I am currently mixing some of the software that I borrowed from "The Terminator" series with some of my own design. I am also working on my own version of Peter Jackson's Balrog with a few minor adjustments, of course. Up for playing Aloysius the White? (just a jest) Well. That's the long and the short of it. I must be off as I expect to have another companion coming shortly. All the best, Diogenes.  (sk)


Salve, Diogenes. I will use the fact that you were so young when Mensa accepted you as a reasonable excuse for your not remembering that I was also a card-carrying member of that organization at one time. I ended my membership when your acceptance letter came. Of course, you would not remember that as I know you and Mother promptly headed into the kitchen to celebrate with one of those garishly red cherry sundaes you were always so fond of, spouting that infernal Latin the whole time, so no, you would have not realized that I borrowed Father's typewriter simultaneously and terminated my membership. As for cooking, I became more than skilled at it, quite cordon bleu, actually. However, if memory serves, brother, your own forays into the kitchen ended quite abruptly when Cook found the collar from the neighbor's cat behind the flour cannister while you were making one of your surprise stews. I don't care how many buttermilk biscuits you served with your dishes, Diogenes, your talents do not lie in the kitchen as you insist on putting ingredients that no longer qualify as even exotic into the crockpot. As for Christmas presents and the (dear, departed, brother? What say you?) Lady Maskalene — heavens, I have forgotten already how to spell her last name — I say we should let sleeping dogs lie. For now. As far as entertaining lady friends, I do have another place available to me, mon frere, and I must admit the waterfall within it has served me in good stead. Ahh, you have found a gas extract from the olive oil, have you? I must admit that the oil sitting in the basement of the manse has morphed into a strange substance inside the bottles, but I have not had a chance to analyze it yet, and Proctor wants nothing to do with it. Nor does Constance. Well, then, insidious global disaster will be quite the challenge, won't it? I remember when I thought "Insidious" was your middle name — turns out it was just something Aunt Cornelia said and Mother had to remind me what your middle names actually are. She wasn't very amused when I told her she had made a mistake in naming you, but Father thought it quite funny. Such a childhood we had, Minor, so very instrumental in making us the men we are today. Well, I must go as I have to realign the site on my Les Baer and re-qualify at the range. How are you at the range these days? That little blind spot of yours still giving your aim a bit of a pull to the right? Oh, and here's a thought! What say, brother, — would you ever be up for a little target practice? I'm sure it would be quite the sport. As ever, Frater.   (l.85)


Dearest Big Brother, Once again, I offer my sincerest apologies. I should have known that you had resigned from Mensa instead of being simply unacceptable as the president of Mensa told me. I had also assumed that was the reason for why you locked yourself in your lovely pink bower for several days, only venturing forth for meals of course, when you had received your letter from Mensa. My error. Ah, yes. How well I remember those wonderful cherry sundaes that Mother made for me with her own two sweet and loving hands. The times we two had! Why of course Cook found the cat's collar in the kitchen. As my culinary efforts were much more adventurous than yours (cheeseburgers?), I vastly enjoyed endeavoring to prepare much more international cuisine. That particular instance, I was using a Chinese cookbook. In Mandarin, actually. How Mother did love to watch me prepare the evening's repast! It does not surprise me that Great Aunt Cornie referred to me as "insidious". As she delighted in spending all of her time with you, Dear Brother, I could only have been a nuisance. All of those quiet late nights in the library with just the two of you behind closed doors. Mother was less than thrilled, but Father thought it highly amusing that the Old Girl was aiding you with your study of magic as he kept muttering something about "turning tricks". I shall never forget how the two of you literally doted on each other. It was so nice of you to help her to exercise as Uncle said that Cornelia hadn't seen that much action in years. Then again, you always were the one who most quickly rose to the occasion. A waterfall? Why Brother, how exotic! But truly, you really should pursue women who bathe occasionally instead. One comes to mind; Lady Mousedropping, or whatever. As for news of my latest project, well, by any stretch of the imagination, can Proctor load and fire a bazooka in under six seconds? I am having a great deal of difficulty in finding a suitable flavor for a particular substance that must be ingested. It's mixed with a certain type of lily but the flavor is horrific and I can't find anything that isn't either cherry, grape, or bubblegum. Any suggestions that you have would be most invaluable. Perhaps, Dear Dr. Green's assistance would be helpful. I suggest you ask her as I am positive that you would jump on any excuse for pumping the Good Doctor, as it were. I applaud your effort in keeping up on your prowess with your weapon. But you always were a sure shot and certainly banged away at enough targeted areas. No need to worry about my blind spot interfering with my aim. I have always managed to score no matter how many rounds and have always been up for any activity involving pulling my trigger. Your bottles sound fascinating! Perhaps I should plan a little visit? Regards, Frater Minor.  (sk)


My dear Diogenes, regarding your last missive — never mind. Oh, and Minor? Any time. Anywhere. — Frater  (l.85)


Ave Frater, Received and remembered. Frater Minor
P.S. Please expect a shipment of fourteen twenty gallon drums to arrive at your abode on Thursday next. A slight token of remembrance from the "gift" you unloaded on me, which, unluckily for you, keeps on giving.  (sk)