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Part 4

Amo tu, Frater, Well, it certainly is encouraging to see that you still retain that rather legendary sense of humor of yours. You are absolutely correct in that I did boast of the higher IQ, but you certainly could best me at... Well, surely there must have been something. Mother always did hope that you would eventually attain your highest potential. I must say though, that the reason I was constantly reviewing my Latin with you was because you lagged so far behind me in that particular subject that I thought to help you progress in your studies with the constant drill. Speaking of dabbling, Brother, was there anything interesting between you and Dr. Green? Her interest always seemed to be so aroused whenever you would make an appearance. Voulez vous couche avec? Pardon my being so bold as to inquire, but perhaps you need to spread it around a tad more than you have been doing these past SEVERAL years? You seem to be rather taut and could seemingly use a good old-fashioned "roll in the hay" as it were. With your rather interesting looks, carefully constrained dress, and rip-roaring sense of the absurd, I cannot, in my wildest dreams, think that you would have any problems with the ladies. I myself knock them dead whenever I can. Perhaps you are still having that little "leverage" problem? I understand from perusing the latest edition of "JAMA" that there are many fine products currently on the market for that sort of thing. Never having had a problem with a dissatisfying ending, I wouldn't know personally, of course. I presume that was the problem with Lady Masculine, or whatever. Although I do feel much more reassured now that I know that Its unobvious charms didn't contribute to any desire on your part to explore the terrain, as it were. We can never allow the Pendergast Prowess to become flaccid. It is of mythic proportions after all. Thank you for inquiring after my latest hobby. Please know that there will definitely be a large role for you. Something that may quite literally turn your hair white. (Just a humorous aside, Brother.) For now, I am keeping the game under close wraps for security's sake. (And no peeking! I remember what a little sneak you were at Christmas time. Always counting to make sure you had as many gifts as I. Father always told you that curiosity killed the cat, and I can vouch for that as being the absolute truth.) Well. I'm off to prepare a rather intimate late supper for a friend of mine who is coming to call this evening. The oysters are already on ice (not that I need them), and I am rising to the occasion at the merest thought of the penetrating dessert I have planned for my guest. It will give just the right afterglow to the evening's entertainments. Enjoy your constitutional with Dear Constance. Perhaps a nice quiet game of "Scrabble' will help you both unwind. As always, I remain, Your Dear Brother, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear baby brother, my sense of humor has remained intact, I assure you. It has helped to save my sanity on more than one occasion. Yes, you did have the higher IQ, didn't you, Mother's little Mensa Monster? As for besting you at something, well, I always had higher scores in the "stability" section of the tests, I believe. Lag behind in Latin? Minor, I did not lag behind in Latin. I simply did not feel the need to immerse myself in it until it was bleeding from my pores, as it were. I do not have the obsessive-compulsive disposition others around me might. Ah, the good Dr. Green may have been aroused by my conversation and knowledge, but she has always been career-minded, something I certainly understand and admire. Anyone who practically lives at the museum, as she assures me she does at the moment, is very driven. Please do not not feel the need to concern yourself regarding my "spreading it around" or having a "roll in the hay." Unlike some I know, I do not feel the need to discuss my very personal life. While it is true I do not seek a permanent relationship at this time, there is no reason for you to believe that I don't get roped into something here or there, oftentimes bound up in a lighthearted evening with a lady friend. I assure you, the rise and fall of my relationship line has been mostly on the upswing and it's frequently a hard time of it to have evenings just on my own. I do, as you observe, have absolutely no problem with the ladies, but discretion is a large part of my makeup. You, dear brother, may keep the much-deserved reputation as the real ladykiller in the Pendergast family. Ah, a large role in your new computer/world conquest hobby? How refreshing. I look forward to it. It has been a little bit of time since you gave me reason to answer the call, stockpile the ammunition, and mine the beaches as it were. Soon it will be quite like old times, eh? Oh, and Diogenes, while I was counting the Christmas presents, do understand that I was also quite aware that someone else was literally opening a package here and there and then re-wrapping it before being found out, speaking of sneaking about. But do let's stop this silly sniping back and forth. I do hope you ate enough oysters to fortify yourself at your late night dinner, little brother. "Flaccid" and "Pendergast" in the same sentence is an oxymoron. Take my word, this branch of the Pendergast family is as upright and firmly upheld as ever. Best regards, Frater.  (l.85)


My dear Aloysius, I am quite mystified as to the barb against my membership in Mensa. I am positive that you would have finally been accepted as well if you had only allowed me to aid you in your studies. That black-ball was never intended as an offense, you know. But on to cheerier tidings! I am going to overlook that crude reference to Mother. Again. I fail to understand why my relationship with Mother seems to have aggravated you so. After all, you were Father's favorite. Of course, you looked exactly like him except that he had pigmentation. I did, however, really enjoy the Latin conversations Father and I had in the evenings. You remember. You couldn't really participate because your Latin was not fluent enough to keep up. Isn't that why Mother decided that you could take lessons from Cook instead? Oh, the fond memories I have of you moving about the kitchen nearly invisible in front of those pristine white walls. Makes me chuckle even now when I think of it. But as you say, Brother Dear, let's not snipe about the past. Ah, Brother, I am gratified to hear that your social life is not limited to the Fair Constance, Proctor, and the ever-ready Lieutenant. As for a permanent relationship...well, I myself would be unwilling to become domesticated in any way, as it were, so I understand your unwillingness to be tied down completely. On the other hand, just exactly how many of the fairer sex can you actually coerce into entering the manse when they have seen it for the first time from outside? They must feel like they are in the company of a serial-murderer. It is rather bleak, you know. What exactly do you ever do with Dear Constance whilst you are "entertaining"? Before your dalliance with Lady Masculine, or whatever, I had always felt that you were a tad fussy about your guests. I don't care to use "desperate" and "dateless" in the same sentence, Brother Mine, but I have always felt that Latin was not the only spot in which you lagged behind me. "A lighthearted evening with a lady friend"? Brother, are you visiting brothels again? Well, I surmise that you just cannot keep a good man down; especially a Pendergast. I cannot believe you accuse me of unwrapping Christmas gifts!! I was only trying to retape those that had come undone. If you had only stopped your infernal counting long enough, you would have noticed that my intentions were honorable. My newest hobby is coming along brilliantly! Mine the beaches? No, no, Dear Boy. This has nothing to do with World War II. This is something much more....shall we say insidious? Guess what? That horrendously rancid olive oil excretes just the proper gas to use in my new "game"! I call it "Global Devastation". I am currently mixing some of the software that I borrowed from "The Terminator" series with some of my own design. I am also working on my own version of Peter Jackson's Balrog with a few minor adjustments, of course. Up for playing Aloysius the White? (just a jest) Well. That's the long and the short of it. I must be off as I expect to have another companion coming shortly. All the best, Diogenes.  (sk)


Salve, Diogenes. I will use the fact that you were so young when Mensa accepted you as a reasonable excuse for your not remembering that I was also a card-carrying member of that organization at one time. I ended my membership when your acceptance letter came. Of course, you would not remember that as I know you and Mother promptly headed into the kitchen to celebrate with one of those garishly red cherry sundaes you were always so fond of, spouting that infernal Latin the whole time, so no, you would have not realized that I borrowed Father's typewriter simultaneously and terminated my membership. As for cooking, I became more than skilled at it, quite cordon bleu, actually. However, if memory serves, brother, your own forays into the kitchen ended quite abruptly when Cook found the collar from the neighbor's cat behind the flour cannister while you were making one of your surprise stews. I don't care how many buttermilk biscuits you served with your dishes, Diogenes, your talents do not lie in the kitchen as you insist on putting ingredients that no longer qualify as even exotic into the crockpot. As for Christmas presents and the (dear, departed, brother? What say you?) Lady Maskalene — heavens, I have forgotten already how to spell her last name — I say we should let sleeping dogs lie. For now. As far as entertaining lady friends, I do have another place available to me, mon frere, and I must admit the waterfall within it has served me in good stead. Ahh, you have found a gas extract from the olive oil, have you? I must admit that the oil sitting in the basement of the manse has morphed into a strange substance inside the bottles, but I have not had a chance to analyze it yet, and Proctor wants nothing to do with it. Nor does Constance. Well, then, insidious global disaster will be quite the challenge, won't it? I remember when I thought "Insidious" was your middle name — turns out it was just something Aunt Cornelia said and Mother had to remind me what your middle names actually are. She wasn't very amused when I told her she had made a mistake in naming you, but Father thought it quite funny. Such a childhood we had, Minor, so very instrumental in making us the men we are today. Well, I must go as I have to realign the site on my Les Baer and re-qualify at the range. How are you at the range these days? That little blind spot of yours still giving your aim a bit of a pull to the right? Oh, and here's a thought! What say, brother, — would you ever be up for a little target practice? I'm sure it would be quite the sport. As ever, Frater.   (l.85)


Dearest Big Brother, Once again, I offer my sincerest apologies. I should have known that you had resigned from Mensa instead of being simply unacceptable as the president of Mensa told me. I had also assumed that was the reason for why you locked yourself in your lovely pink bower for several days, only venturing forth for meals of course, when you had received your letter from Mensa. My error. Ah, yes. How well I remember those wonderful cherry sundaes that Mother made for me with her own two sweet and loving hands. The times we two had! Why of course Cook found the cat's collar in the kitchen. As my culinary efforts were much more adventurous than yours (cheeseburgers?), I vastly enjoyed endeavoring to prepare much more international cuisine. That particular instance, I was using a Chinese cookbook. In Mandarin, actually. How Mother did love to watch me prepare the evening's repast! It does not surprise me that Great Aunt Cornie referred to me as "insidious". As she delighted in spending all of her time with you, Dear Brother, I could only have been a nuisance. All of those quiet late nights in the library with just the two of you behind closed doors. Mother was less than thrilled, but Father thought it highly amusing that the Old Girl was aiding you with your study of magic as he kept muttering something about "turning tricks". I shall never forget how the two of you literally doted on each other. It was so nice of you to help her to exercise as Uncle said that Cornelia hadn't seen that much action in years. Then again, you always were the one who most quickly rose to the occasion. A waterfall? Why Brother, how exotic! But truly, you really should pursue women who bathe occasionally instead. One comes to mind; Lady Mousedropping, or whatever. As for news of my latest project, well, by any stretch of the imagination, can Proctor load and fire a bazooka in under six seconds? I am having a great deal of difficulty in finding a suitable flavor for a particular substance that must be ingested. It's mixed with a certain type of lily but the flavor is horrific and I can't find anything that isn't either cherry, grape, or bubblegum. Any suggestions that you have would be most invaluable. Perhaps, Dear Dr. Green's assistance would be helpful. I suggest you ask her as I am positive that you would jump on any excuse for pumping the Good Doctor, as it were. I applaud your effort in keeping up on your prowess with your weapon. But you always were a sure shot and certainly banged away at enough targeted areas. No need to worry about my blind spot interfering with my aim. I have always managed to score no matter how many rounds and have always been up for any activity involving pulling my trigger. Your bottles sound fascinating! Perhaps I should plan a little visit? Regards, Frater Minor.  (sk)


My dear Diogenes, regarding your last missive — never mind. Oh, and Minor? Any time. Anywhere. — Frater  (l.85)


Ave Frater, Received and remembered. Frater Minor
P.S. Please expect a shipment of fourteen twenty gallon drums to arrive at your abode on Thursday next. A slight token of remembrance from the "gift" you unloaded on me, which, unluckily for you, keeps on giving.  (sk)

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