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Part 3

Little Brother, I am gratified to learn that you enjoyed the valise. I thought you might. That sort of warm dark leather with the almost blood-red highlights seemed to have your name written all over it. As for the shaving kit, my dear Diogenes, you are terribly careless with your razor blades. It seems to me you lost more than a handful when we were quite young and you weren't even shaving yet. I know you blamed some of them disappearing on dear Aunt Cornelia, and I still am somewhat shocked you would accuse our most respected elder relative with such a petty act of thievery. However, I will look for a kit, as you have asked. You could probably find a good one on E-bay. I saw a great deal on a knife there the other day, posted by a seller using the name of AngryCenturyChickonAbsinthe. What odd names people use these days. Proctor sends his regards and remarked that the hunt sounds exciting and hopes it will take place as soon as possible, adding that he hoped to take up where Ms. Constance had left off. How funny! Constance has never read The Most Dangerous Game. Oh, and I do apologize for the little illegible note she enclosed for you. She has taken to watching movies such as "Manhunter," "The Hunted" and "I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka" and only scribbled something on impulse when Proctor offered her the chance to include a note. The crayon was on the table but was terribly melted from some sort of doll or figure she's been making out of wax and bits of cloth. Funny little thing it is, decked out in a suit with rather reddish hair and one blue eye. She told me just yesterday she was able to find some hat pins. She does send her regards and asks with great interest after your health. Since she has been getting out into the world, I must say her interests are becoming more eclectic. Ah, I am afraid Proctor is the only baseball afficionado at Riverside Drive at the moment, but thank you for your suggestion about joining a team. However, although I was once told I was quite a heavy hitter and swung quite a mighty bat, I am afraid I much prefer a quiet evening by the fire at this time. I must go as Proctor is going to the dry cleaners and I have any number of suits and especially ties and handkerchiefs that need cleaning. Amazing the toll daily activities can have on one's wardrobe. All best as ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Dearest Frater, Thank you ever so for the tip about E-Bay. I had used it once to purchase an antique razor in its original box but never thought to look for a shaving kit. As soon as things slow down here a tad, I hope to find the time to examine the site more closely. I received a most interesting note form Proctor. It seems that he has been spending a great deal of time at the Yankees games recently as his son, Scott, his pitching for them. Do let me know how Young Scott is performing as we don't receive the YES Channel here. He has informed me as well that he will be vacationing in Buffalo for awhile so he will not be available to chaperone Dear Constance on a journey to my little island hide-away. He did mention something about having to pack several ties. Brother, whatever could he mean? I assumed they spend quite a few evenings dressing for dinner. It is so heartwarming to hear that Constance has found a hobby that she seems to be enjoying! Wax sculpting can be so creative! I do think still that interesting her in participating in a sport would be an excellent outlet for her rather than those unfortunate films she has been watching. I understand completely about her choice of attire, but I do thing that with a little persuasion on your part you might possibly talk her into discarding her clothing for you. As you've always been the smooth-tongued one of us, I should think you would find her to be rather easy in that regard. Why, I distinctly remember one particular chamber maid mentioning that your tongue should be bronzed and sent to a Hall of Fame. We definitely should be working on a label and a production strategy for our new product. Perhaps, you could find the time to put some serious work into it? Regards to Constance, Vincent, and, of course, your dear friend, Dr. Green (Anything of interest going on there, Brother?) Let me know about our project soonest. With warmth, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear brother, Frankly, I was surprised to hear Proctor told you about his son. Although I sense he was quite proud when he told me, he also confided that the young man was NOT playing for Boston. We haven't spoken about it since. As for the vacation in Buffalo, yes, the good man absconds to Buffalo several times a year, usually just for an extended weekend. He did remark once that any longer in Buffalo would be the death of him. Still, I get the strongest sense he comes back quite satisfied and content. I don't know what he is doing and I have never sought to find out (I gave him my word) but he does take his entire necktie collection when he goes and quite a few belt changes as well. I have begun to wonder if he is involved in some sort of quick-change cult but I have no reason yet to look into it. He always comes back punctually, if a trifle exhausted and somewhat glassy-eyed. Well, there is wax sculpture and there is wax sculpture, dear brother. If memory serves, I believe you became quite enthralled with life-size animal wax sculpturing when we were boys — at about the same time all the neighborhood pets began to vanish. I remember quite vividly as the next door neighbor's maid had hysterics when she saw your rendition of their bulldog. Quite lifelike. Constance is currently making a new wax figure as she told me the first one was somehow damaged by hat pins. She did ask me to let you know this, although I am uncertain as to why. Alas, she has no interest in becoming involved in any sport. Recently, she has taken up knitting in various shades of pink and blue, color choices that quite surprised me. She did make the interesting observation that a pointed knitting needle is nearly as good as a golf club. I am not quite sure I understand that statement. I, the smooth-tongued one? I? Au contraire, mon frere. While I do remember that particular chamber maid, and how kind of her to say that about me as we only chatted once or twice, although I did manage to thrill her with some carefully timed honeyed licks of poetry, as it were, you, dear Diogenes, could easily talk a man out of a penthouse window. Dr. Green, as noted, is still quite busy. Last time I went to the museum, she waved at me through the window of a locked door, saying "I'm very busy" if my lip-reading skills remain intact. Vincent sends "his heartiest regards with a bullet," he says. As to the label, I will try, brother, though the household is currently requiring my full attention between Proctor's absence and Constance's inexplicable appetite. Oh, and mood swings. I see her strolling past the doorway right now with a bat in one hand and what looks to be almost like a red-headed pinata wearing a suit. How curious. I really must run. In haste but with best regards, Frater.  (l.85)


Brother, I must admit that I am becoming quite annoyed at what I deem to be your continual references to Dear Constance holding some unspeakable feelings towards my person. Furthermore, if you cannot comprehend the rather obvious reason for why the dear lady is so out of sorts, is knitting in pink and blue, and will soon be purchasing her attire at the local tent-maker's than perhaps Proctor needs to discuss the long and short of it with you. It is quite obvious to me that Constance wants a puppy. Although I would be rather cautious about gifting her with a small creature as I am sure you know how excitable Dear Constance can be when fully aroused. She is seemingly angry as she thinks that you are, once again, overlooking the obvious, apparently does not care what gender the puppy is, and is eating out of boredom. Stop and think, Brother Mine. When was the last time that you escorted her to the local Dairy Queen or engaged her in a rousing game of paintball? I feel that you have been most remiss in your attentions to her and are attempting to blame me for your lackadaisical attitude. When was the last time you gave her a gift just for nothing? And I am definitely not talking about some mousey little trinket either. Expensive bath oils are always nice you know. I am positive, that if you try diligently enough you can come to some conclusion as to what the young lady deeply desires to have in her hands. Surely, if you initiate it, Constance herself can guide you in thrusting yourself into the situation. I genuinely hope that you are a tad more adept at giving her something from which she will receive a huge bang, as it were. Please do not give her anything along the same lines as you have recently been so thoughtful as to send my humble self. Not that I am looking a gift horse in the mouth, mind you, but I am not quite sure that your last endeavor to me in that area was...how shall I say?...not exactly the brightest crayon in the box? And also had too many unusable parts. I deeply resent being made to feel that basically what I was receiving was so much damaged goods. As far as my boyhood hobby of wax sculpting goes, I do indeed remember it fondly. Mother could never understand why the neighbors were always so upset by my efforts in that area. She came, eventually, to the correct conclusion that most of them were so artistically challenged themselves that they were a tad jealous of my rather obvious talents. Do you recall the time that Mrs. Dulac came to the manse demanding that Father do something about her pussy? The Dear Lady, obviously distraught, accused me of fondling it to the point where it was veritably ruined for any other touch but mine. Ah, those were the days! Well, Brother. I must be off now as I am expecting a rather large shipment from the Dell Computer people to be arriving shortly. Fondest regards to All, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear Minor, If I am making "continual references to Dear Constance holding some unspeakable feelings towards your person" as you put it, rest assured it is only because she is doing so. Continually, constantly, ad inifinitum. I am not necessarily in a hurry to go wading into these particular waters, Brother, but she is beginning to make me wonder about your particular conversations with her. I know you have stated in the past that they were quite uplifting on your part, but one can sometimes be raised to such heights that there is no satisfaction even after the climax of such spirited intercourse. Constance and a puppy? I cannot even imagine such a scenario. She seems to have an aversion toward animals — even complained at one point about a particular mouse that eventually came to an unfortunate death by her own hands, I believe. I am not certain that a puppy would be a very practical idea at this particular juncture. >>I feel that you have been most remiss in your attentions to her and are attempting to blame me for your lackadaisical attitude.<< I felt compelled to copy that sentence in its entirety so that I might respond to it in equal spirit. Do be careful where you tread, dearest and only brother. Were we still in New Orleans, such a statement could have given rise to, shall we say, a dawn meeting at the dueling tree? Ah, but we are not in New Orleans and this is, after all, the twenty-first century. I assure you I have been ever vigilant with Constance and shower her with what attention she needs, even beyond what she might ask. Why, just the other day I found myself using my tongue, as you so blithely word it, to soothe her agitation and arousal over yet some other trifle, which I might add somehow is connected to you. I did have to remove the piñata as I found it was packed quite tightly with a highly unstable explosive. She assured me that she meant not to hang it and swing at it, but to take it to the riverfront and bat it as far away as possible. Perhaps she really ought to join a softball team. Regardless, she was quite unhappy with me when I forcibly removed the bat from her hands. She does so like having some sort of rigid object in her hands, be it the fireplace poker or candlestick. Such restless fingers! Nevertheless, I do find myself resenting somewhat your rather cavalier observations as to how I care for my ward. Let me clarify for you that Constance is cherished, petted, and caressed to her content and to my own satisfaction. I cannot imagine either of us wanting in this relationship. And I must tell you that I am quite injured that you could find it in you to accuse me of sending you damaged goods, as it were. My dear Diogenes, I was trying to be generous and help you with your hobby. I am not intimate with your particular mode of collecting and as I do not dabble in that particular interest, how am I to know what you would manage to find fault with? As ever, the older brother tries to do a kindness only to have younger brother turn up his nose as usual. We do have a history of that. But let us not spend so much time jousting with one another. I do remember our neighbor Mrs. Dulac and her pussy as well. Isn't she the one who received the city variance to place motion sensors and razor wire around her property? I always thought that a bit odd. Oh, and Constance cannot be allowed anywhere near a Dairy Queen at this time. Also, Dunkin Donuts, Taco Bell, and Arby's are quite outside the acceptable parameters at this point. Do trust me on that. A large shipment from Dell? What new passion are you haring after now? I anticipate your answer with great interest on my part. Yours, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Big Brother, You hurt my feelings. I was only trying to be helpful and present you with various possibilities for aiding Dear Constance in her hour of travail. Had I known that you would throw a major hissy fit, as it were, I would have kept my mental ramblings to myself. You never let me help you. Even as boys, Mother always had to make you take me with you when you went exploring even when your destination turned out to be a rather magical event.
Perhaps, if you feel that my attempts at refocusing your position with Constance are too rigid, then I will most certainly pull out before things come to a messy climax. I, in no possible way, desire to force myself between you. If Constance is continuing these rather vicious tirades against me, then may I suggest the words form the old song, "You always hurt the one you love". As far as impugning your "gift" to me, I was under the considerable impression, straight from It's own lips, that you had dabbled a tad with It under those starry island nights. As a matter of fact, It contended that you had plunged right in with much abandon to the task at hand; a picture, I can assure you, that I didn't need. Upon hearing this, I immediately assumed that you had a rather extensive working knowledge of what was truly usable for anything other than reconstructive surgery. I do beg your forgiveness; something that you never really learned to do. Arby's? I do so miss Arby's. All that nice bloody rare beef on a bun. And Horsey Sauce! Speaking of which, how come you had all the pets? You had a horse, and you had that rather religious little mouse. All I had was Mrs. Dulac's pussy, and it had seen better days, believe me. Although it was nicely furry. I remember warming my fingers in that glossy pelt many a time. I am really very excited about my newest project. I am attempting to address the theme of global catastrophe with the latest computer equipment and software from Dell, which I am going to redesign myself. It should be a happening of earth shaking proportions. I feel that I would like to give back to humanity something of what it has given me after all of these years. Father always said to make sure we gave back to the little people. Father had such an altruistic heart! Must run for now. Hopefully, our little tiff is behind us. Mother said you were supposed to watch out for me, after all. Regards, The Baby.  (sk)


Brother mine, I hurt your feelings and then threw "a major hissy fit?" I have never learned to beg forgiveness? Well, pardonnez-moi, mon frere, as I can see there are still serious misconceptions on your part. You do tend to put me at a disadvantage when you play your guilt card. But never mind, never mind, perhaps the intricate and even convoluted landscapes of your thinking processes, what with your higher IQ and all, can sometimes be a hindrance, non? As for Mother forcing me to take you everywhere with me, all I can say to that is Mother did not have to listen to you conjugating your Latin for hours on end, enough to drive anyone to seek some sort of, as you put it, "magical" escape. "Dabbling a tad on those starry nights?" I beg your pardon, that truly is quite an offensive comment, even from you. I know it is the way of a younger brother to try and nettle the older one, but my dear younger brother — dabbling with that on those starry nights? I shudder to think. And come to think of it, who has been dabbling where, I might ask? And have you blocked out all memory, Diogenes, that you had your pets as well, Ms. Dulac's pussy notwithstanding? The difference was, mine remained alive for the most part (barring the rather vicious and cruel fate that took Incitatus from me), and also in view. Your pets, on the other hand, had the strange habit of disappearing and then turning up, well, quite past their expiration dates, as I recall. I am not making any judgments here, Minor, and perhaps everything was simply misfortune as you would tell our parents with those rather large tears welling from your eyes and streaking down your little woebegone face. That was a nice touch as it diverted their attention from those suspicious stains on your shorts, as it were. But come, let's not snipe. You know how much I prefer to simply forget what is in past. Ahh, so you are playing computer games now, are you? Global catastrope, no less? Sounds quite challenging. Perhaps we could take each other on in such a contest. Earthshaking and with the entire planet at stake is intriguing. Was that a gauntlet you tossed at my feet, dear brother (amused chuckle). How we Pendergasts like a good jest. However, it is time for me to take the evening constitutional with Constance and I do not like to keep her waiting. Keeping her waiting can sometimes lead to adverse reactions if she is in the vicinity of the freezer where Proctor keeps the Ben and Jerry's. But you once more reminded me of the task Mother did charge me with: I shall indeed be watching out for you. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)

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