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Part 2

My dear brother, as to informing you that the maid had high blood pressure and no medication to speak of, well, that can hardly be my look-out now, can it? And in the end, you did learn to do thorough preparatory research, so perhaps all was not lost. Versed can be quite a helpful tool, I will admit that. Some time we will have to discuss the various means of administering the dose. The injection, while very quick, is terribly unsubtle, I have found. Still, the sleight of hand required to keep the needle a secret until the last possible moment is not something you would be wanting in, I am sure. As for asking Constance about your wicker furniture and QVC, I am somewhat reluctant to broach your name at the moment, brother, as I must regrettably inform you that Constance has taken to staring at herself — and her distressful weight gain — in the mirror and muttering all manner of vile imprecations with your name in all of them. I confess I do not quite know what to make of it, but again am reluctant to address the subject with her. Proctor is already quite beside himself trying to keep the freezer stocked with Ben & Jerry's. And lately odd things like pickles and entire jars of pimentos have been vanishing. Should her disposition improve shortly I will endeavor to suggest the exercise — however, the last time I came close to bringing up that same subject, she simply replied "I'll show you exercise" and came at me with a baseball bat in one hand and a golf club in the other. I am very much afraid I shall have to get her to the clinic soon. This cannot simply be the result of too many Taco Grandes. Ah, but I am burdening you with my cares. Do let me know how the project progresses. And did you finish sterilizing your jars? Regards, Frater.  (l.85)


Ave Frater! What a wonderful week this has been! The jars are sterilized, the instruments are cleaned and sharpened to my satisfaction, and the new addition to my collection is confining its questions to asking only when the hurricane will be over. The Versed is primed and ready. Thank you so much for the tips re: administering the drug. I have found, through painstaking trial and error, that even though intravenous injections are hardest, the result is most gratifying. The "sleight of hand" method does tend to keep one on one's toes and improves both mental and manual dexterity. Although with this particular subject, I am seriously debating whether or not to let it see the needle. Terror tends to make the skin much more supple and the hair nice and glossy. There is a massive storm front moving in tomorrow, and the sound of thunder claps is a wonderful way to mask any stray or unusual noises from escaping unwarranted. It is also Girl Scout Cookie time here so I can count on my doorbell ringing several times a day with little ladies asking me to purchase their wares. I do have a reputation for being heavily addicted to Do-Si-Do's. I think I've found a solution to my wicker patio furniture problem. After examining it closely, I feel that it will make a truly inimitable tool for forcing under finger and toe nails. Ah, Poor Constance! I have searched my memories of our meetings diligently for the slightest clue that I may have inadvertently said something that might explain her problem. I felt that our conversations were always rather uplifting on my part and eagerly received on hers. It occurs to me that perhaps she was telling you that she would like to take up some sort of sport but cannot decide between baseball and golf. Be grateful it isn't bowling. Perhaps the dear young woman is watching too much television. You know how persuasive those commercials can be regarding trying new foods and cleaning products. Let me know if she shows signs of an Ajax fetish. Do what you must about the clinic, but I do feel that perhaps, under the circumstances, Yankees tickets might be a better solution. Speaking of solutions, how are you coming with finding an artiste to design our label? Best Regards, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear brother, the idea of Constance taking up a sport is quite alarming. The dear child won't wear anything but her turn-of-the century frocks, and while they are quite charming on her, I cannot see her tucking the skirts up into the waist band and doing bicycle kicks on a muddy soccer field. Perhaps croquet, although lately we have been trying to keep certain items away from her, and a croquet mallet would fall into that category. I never realized how many stray walking sticks, umbrellas, canes, and even brooms we have around this place. As for the real weapons, well Proctor and I are both on security mode. Dear child, so troubled and currently, as drastic as this may seem, somewhat... well, let's leave it at locking up the weapons. Vincent has been to visit, and what a sense of humor! He actually suggested she come to stay with you as the excitement might do her some good! I thought about it, I admit, as your island is very secure with just the right amount of adventure to be had what with the hiking trails, but thought the better of it, and was able to catch Proctor before he had packed her completely. How clever of you to find a use for the wicker furniture, but then you always were the clever one weren't you? At least, if memory serves, that is what you convinced our dear Mother to believe. Quite the fair-haired boy when we were younger, weren't you, brother, if memory serves. Ah, but let us talk about the future. Any hope of adding the lotus blossom fragrance to our business venture? I await all news. Yours, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Older Brother, Why I do think that Constance coming to visit my small, isolated island is a wonderful plan! I'm sure that plenty of fresh air and exercise on all those hiking trails and swimming in the private coves where no one would ever disturb us would be just the ticket. Perhaps a stop in Roma to purchase at least something in the latest more roomy fashions would interest her? Based on your warning, I most certainly would clear the villa of any sharp instruments or walking aids. Is she permitted to use a knife and fork? I don't, of course, expect you to send the poor young lady alone. A chaperone would definitely be needed to accompany her on her voyage. Perhaps your friend Dr. Green? Do keep me informed as to the appropriateness of this "little vacation" for dear Constance as I am already preparing a big surprise for her upon her arrival. I most certainly would delight at the opportunity to "cut through to the bone" of any feigned contentiousness between us. My hobby is coming along swimmingly! When it finally figured out what the general plan was, the reaction was most entertaining. Why, Brother Dear, I am quite surprised that your ears were not burning. In its last moments of consciousness, it had quite a few very uncomplimentary things to say about you. For how long of a time did you leave it alone with Constance whilst on Capraria? Were there any truck drivers present? My! You have certainly fallen out of favor with the womenfolk! At first, it didn't mind at all being strapped down. In fact, I distinctly received the impression that it was quite used to that and that it was actually looking forward to it. No jars filled yet as at this time I am enjoying the silence. I will certainly let you know how it progresses. I cannot help that I was the Baby, Aloysius. And as I was such a colorful, intelligent tyke, why, of course, Mother was charmed. When you stood against the white walls of the Receiving Parlor, she couldn't even see you half of the time. Spectacular news about our product's fragrance! The lotus-blossom scent added to the rancid olive oil makes the product smell like industrial-strength Clorox so I toned it down with some pine, which I believe is the preferred cleaning scent of our homeland. It cut the chlorine smell nicely and now boasts the lovely, fresh scent of a woods mingled with a spaghetti dinner garden party. Please advise me of any or all plans. How is the label design progressing? Yours fondly, Diogenes  (sk)


Little Brother, I am still on the fence about sending Constance off to your island. After all, the last time she went there the results were less than edifying, if I might say so. I understand that you get up to some hijinks, brother, but involving Constance that way was not the best decision you have ever made. She was quite excitable and very difficult to soothe. At one point when I told her to calm down, she started shouting "du calme yourself" at me in a very loud voice and demanding absinthe. So you see, this merits further consideration. My friend Dr. Green is very busy at the museum and says as far as Pendergast affairs are concerned, she will be busy for approximately the next 19 years. She is always happy to see me when I stop in but she is truly very, very busy. Should Constance need a chaperone I might just have to part with Proctor for the duration. He said he is quite willing to go, if need be, and very eager to go "mano a mano" with you on those trails. I fear he has been reading too many adventure books again. So much simpler when it was just the Red Sox. Oh, and for future reference, Constance is currently using a spork. Dear brother, glad your hobby is progressing swimmingly. Truck drivers on the island? No truck drivers, but there was a contingent of day laborers who came to the island at one point to help move a relative. Quite a few of them, all young, strong, boisterous, and a bit slow but good-natured. For some reason they kept winding up in the olive groves. They must have been doing side work and having a hot time of it, as I would come across one or three of them at a time, always quite covered in sweat and in various states of undress. Why do you ask? As for when you were a tyke, yes, "colorful" and "intelligent" would be one way to describe you as a child, brother. I might have said "maladjusted" and "precocious", but then Mother always was a bit naive in that regard. As for the white of the parlor walls, dear brother that was my choice as well. So much more tasteful as compared to the way someone insisted on decorating his bedroom in early crime scene. Really, the blood spatter patterns and the body outlines on the floor, not to mention the machete sticking out of the wall, were a bit outre, even forgiving your young age at the time. But let's not snipe, shall we? Good work on the fragrance! I am still trying to locate an artist for our label, alas. The name "Pendergast" for some reason is currently having an odd effect in the artistic community, but I will keep searching. Brother, we do need a name for this product. Please put that brilliant mind to work and conjure us up a name and a tag line. Ever, Frater.  (l.85)


Dear Older Brother, Truthfully, I cannot remember anything extraordinary happening during Constance's first visit to my island. Perhaps she was overcome with the long journey and the loss of her luggage? When she arrived, she was quite eager to "let the games begin" as it were. Much against my better judgement of course. When she insisted on traveling to the volcano's ridge, I found that, no matter how many shots I gave it, I could not dissuade her. When she wanted to show me that new dance step she was so proud of learning in Florence, I felt that the volcano's lip was a poor choice of location, but she seemed so determined. Had I known how complicated the hand positions were, I would have bent over backward to redirect her energies. What's absinthe? A gelato flavor? Dr. Green's response to my invitation is rather a large disappointment. I had so been hoping that a vacation on my delightful little island would be just the shot in the arm she needed. Excellent sleeping weather, too. I certainly am thrilled that Proctor is so ready, willing, and able to escort Constance to Stromboli, but really Brother, I couldn't ask you to part with such a valued and trusted member of your household. Remind me to send him a first edition copy of "The Most Dangerous Game". Is, perhaps, that lovely Captain Hayward due for vacation time soon? I cannot imagine what Lady Maskelene would need with so many laborers playing with her olive grove. Perhaps you should have kept better abreast of the situation, which is why I asked. It would not do at all for Constance to stumble upon some broad-shouldered, sweaty, tanned, dark-haired, dark-eyed Italian laborer in such a primal setting. Were you remiss in your duties towards her? Why must you always taunt me about Mother? Mother was extremely intelligent and never thought that I was "maladjusted". That was that poisonous old Great Aunt of ours. You know. The one you always fawned over so disgracefully. Just because Mother couldn't find you until you began wearing black all of the time is not really an exceptionally nice reason to mock my choice of bedroom decor. At least my bedroom walls weren't pink. Work on my collection has been very disappointing to date. The most interesting parts are so worn from overuse that they aren't really worth the bother. But I am harvesting as I can. Let me know how goes the search for an artist. If you have continuing difficulties in that area, may I suggest that you perhaps avail yourself of the services of one of those fine police artists? Awaiting your next missive, Your doting brother, Diogenes.  (sk)


My dear younger brother, Let me first say that I am sorry that your harvesting is not quite as interesting as you would have hoped. I was afraid that would happen, having done a little precursory research in that area myself but stopping as soon as I acquired what information I needed. I found little point in taking that ride to its well-worn end, as it were. Still, I hope you can replace some of your lost treasures nonetheless. To that end I am enclosing a monogrammed valise I took the liberty of purchasing when I saw it on sale somewhere on 5th Avenue. As soon as I saw it I knew who would appreciate those rich, warm leather tones, not to mention the extra-security lock. Captain Hayward is keeping a rather circumspect distance from me. It appears that she has come to some rather strange conclusions about the relationship between Vincent and myself. We have both explained at wearisome length that Vincent took that impulsive trip to Italy with me while working on a case, that all of his hugs have been not only one-sided, but prompted by surprise and delight to find me alive at one point, and out of prison at another, and that on no account did he visit me in solitary confinement when I was still incarcerated. Still, she is very wary for some reason and when we are all together it is quite awkward as she watches both of us like a hawk and raises objections if we should want to go the restroom at the same time. Vincent is not helping, as he has always been somewhat touchy-feely for my tastes. Proctor would thus still be my chaperone of choice for Constance. He thanks you very much, incidentally, for the first edition of "The Most Dangerous Game." He was much taken by it and says he looks forward to "throwing down" with you. Odd, I don't remember that particular phrase in that work of literature. Brother, my bedroom was not "pink" as you allege. I was very young when I painted it and didn't fully realize that Victorian Red paint would bleed through Monastic White. Father and I solved the problem, do remember, by simply papering with classical white-on-white. As for Great Aunt Cornelia, she was never poisonous to me, although she could be alarmingly sharp. I know she did have the unfortunate habit of showing favoritism towards me when we were both with her. Do I detect perhaps a note of envy tucked away in your sentences, mon frere? By the way, I did have a chance to stop by the museum recently and though Dr. Green was as usual busy, she did ask that I send you a message which is, ver batim, "There are no more lilies so please stop bothering me." Brother, are you taking a sudden interest in gardening? Do tell. As ever, Frater.  (l.85)


My dear Brother, After close examination of the stock I had to work with, I can quite understand where you would demure at chasing that particular tail, as it were. It certainly did reveal itself to giving a whole new life to the phrase "Coochie Mama". I beg a thousand pardons if I appear vulgar, but you have no idea of the length of my disappointment. It certainly appears to have had itself a ball on several occasions. I have yet to fill even a third of my jars with anything even approaching useful. My deepest thanks for the wonderful valise!It looks quite like the one that I had lost on that unfortunate train trip. It will be quite sufficient for the task at hand. You always were most thoughtful with your gifts; I can remember all of the servants speaking so highly of your Christmas bonuses. I do so love a good sale! Please let me know if you run across any leather shaving kits as I seemed to have misplaced my razor. I appreciated the thank you note inside the valise form Proctor. The dear man is most anxious to make the trip to my little island, you know. I am thinking of the best way to accommodate a fiery end to his obviously passionate desire to join me for a few weeks of hunting. I can promise him that his little adventure would not end in a cliffhanger. The enclosed note form Constance was terribly hard to decipher. You are allowing her only crayons with which to write? Please thank Dr.Green for her interest in my garden. I had no idea that horticulture was of such great interest to her. I will fill in the plot I was keeping open for her contribution to my landscaping endeavors with some potted remains of a blossom with which I have had little to no luck in fertilizing. I can offer no helpful suggestions at all to your little problem with the ever-dauntless Captain Hayward. I understand your relationship with the inestimable Vincent completely. Perhaps, if the two of you did something terribly masculine such as joining the summer baseball league of the PAL, she would cast a more understanding eye on your comings and goings together. I have always thought that you would make a first-class switch hitter and the dauntless Captain a fine relief pitcher. Perhaps she resents the glow in your eyes whenever you refer to the Lieutenant as "my dear Vincent"?I had always thought that Father had helped you paper your walls because of the holes you put in them from practicing with the hunting rifle he had given you for you eleventh birthday. I remember that Mother was quite upset when you papered over those pink walls of yours as she had hoped to match her new boudoir drapes to that color. Envious of your relationship with Great Aunt Cornie? My dear fellow, it was not I who persisted in pandering to her obsession with opera. I would much rather have drunk poison, but it did leave time for Mother and me to have some lovely afternoons to ourselves. Well, I must leave off for now as the first shipment of Do-Si-Do's has arrived. I am quite sure that no explanation is necessary. Enclosed please find a rather exciting recipe for "English Butter Tarts". You make it with Lady Fingers. Regards and many thanks again, Your Younger Brother, Diogenes.  (sk)

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