Diogenes Pendergast’s Letter to Santa Claus 1969 (?)

Dearest Santa Claus,

It...   read more »

Sir,

If you are arriving home late this evening, please remember to wash out your own snack plate. Do not leave it for me in the morning as Cheez-Whiz is deucedly difficult to remove after having sat all night in front of a warm fireplace.

I am marketing in the morning. We are out of Ho Ho’s, Newman’s Own Industrial Strength Spaghetti Sauce, and bourbon. Is there anything you prefer that I not replace? Please don’t say the bourbon as you know how you are when we run out of necessities.

Shall I walk Miss Constance in the park today? Yesterday, she tried to push a red-haired Homeless Person under a bus. Thankfully, he bounced as he was rather wired. Made the children cry, however.

As I was cleaning out the backseat of the Wraith, I found a pair of turquoise lace panties balled up in...   read more »

Diogenes sings:

I would not be just a killer
Inspiration for a thriller
A forerunner of woe
(Do do, do do do do do)
I would be Mr. Rogers
Maybe playing for the Dodgers
If I didn’t have a bro.

Not so much an evil genius
Just bursting with the meanness
A scoundrel head to toe
(Do do, do do do do do)
I’d be friends with the kiddies
Sing them cutesy little ditties
If I didn’t have a bro.

Picture me
All bloodlust free
A happily married man
A Laz-z-boy and a minivan
Maybe a kid, not a master plan.

I’d be just another guy
Without a dead blue eye
See colors all aglow
(Do do, do do do do do)
Why, I might be presidential
I would have so much potential
If I didn’t have a bro.

***

Aloysius sings:

I would not be quite so scary
I might even remarry
Or get myself a ho
(Do do, do do do do do)
I’d be something of a sprite
And I’d get laid...   read more »

December 2nd

Darling Santa,

I have, from all reports, been VERY good this year. I have been helpful to others as well. I helped Special Agent Pendergast catch that geeky brother of his. It doesn't matter that I was the decoy, I still helped. Although he was very hot, he liked diamonds more than me. He also caused me to ruin a perfectly good pair of Jimmy Choo heels with all that running around in the Underground. That was the pair of shoes that I told everyone came from Famous Footwear. I also helped Agent Pendergast get out of prison. It was because of his longing to once again kiss a lock of my long, glossy hair (only on my head this time) that he defied all odds in allowing his simple servant, a city officer, and that fat, crippled man break him out eventhough he was getting along so well with...   read more »

V’s a real nowhere gal,
Even with a Pendy pal,
Sink her island if you please,
Or give her to Diogenes,
Olive oil and home made wine,
Let her die off on the vine,
Island Girl,
You're the type
For Nobody....   read more »

Mr. Preston and Mr. Child shifted uneasily in their chairs. Douglas glanced at the clock whilst Lincoln stared at the door, barely blinking. A nervous atmosphere filled the air. At precisely 10 in the a.m. Diogenes Pendergast walked eloquently through the door. He had on a fresh, crisp suit, with his ginger hair combed perfectly back.

“Good day gentlemen. How are you this morning?”

“Fine, thank you. Shall we get started; Lincoln and I have an appointment right after we are through. I really do regret that we may have to keep it short.” Douglas said to Diogenes in a calm but cautious tone.

“Of course, I’d hate to keep you from your engagements.” Pendergast had a hint of mockery in his voice.

“So,” Lincoln started, “What is the Event that plagues your family’s history?”

“That’s a rather personal and equally touchy subject dear Sirs. Let’s just say it’s more unimaginable than anyone could begin...   read more »

Son, upon this midnight dreary, we did ponder, weak and weary
Over your extremely cheery kind epistolary lore —
While I freely acquiesced to your filial request,
your dear Pater was distressed. To be honest, dear, he swore:
“’Tis some madness here”, he muttered, “tapping at his chamber door!”
Only this, and nothing more.

My resolve grew only stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “now listen! Truly, your attention I implore!
Frequently, despite his station, you bemoaned his isolation.
Grant him, pray, the exultation of new playmates to explore.”
At this point I’d almost swayed him. Just a tiny push before
he’d consent — and nothing more.

Then the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of a purple curtain
did announce that Aloysius had just entered through our door.
“Mother, Father!” rang his cries. “Do you really think this wise?
Who’ll be there to check his vice, on this dark and distant shore?
Can you really let him stay there?” was...   read more »

My Dear Santa,

I happened to become privy to Diogenes’ letter (he asked me how to spell a few words) and just wanted to say that I am very proud of my nephew. His logic is impeccable.

I say give him what he wants, with the exception of the puppy or kitten. Instead, I suggest setting him up with the schoolyard bully (the other one), or your choice of Christian Right televangelist.

I hope you enjoy the cookies and tea I’ll be leaving under the tree for you this year. Also, I hope you appreciate the lighter workload you will have at my abode, as the other members of my family will no longer be requiring gifts. Ever.

Merry Christmas, Santa,
Cornelia Pendergast...   read more »