Poor frater. Have obtained all the samples I need, but like poking him so took some more just for fun today. He called me Viola in his sleep and made kissy faces at me. Always hated when he did that... Now... who is this Viola person? At least I hope it is a person. Cannot bear to think about the physical contortions involved in loving a musical instrument. He is bendy but that is just sick.

Have located the ‘Viola’ frater referred to. And yes, it is a woman. (Will wonders never cease?) Apparently he met her for three hours the other day and is now in love. Please. Frater is more hard up than I imagined; Vinnie must be v. stingy with his favors. Will drop the English wench a line and see if she really is that easy.

Back in America. Customs Agent came on to me. He is now on his way to Costa Rica; wish I could be there when the unclaimed baggage area begins to stink. Don’t mess with Frater Minor, A-holes.

Delightful news! Viola responded to my letter and will be arriving tomorrow. She is obviously not v. bright so maybe that is why she likes frater....   read more »

Made cookies for the orderlies today. Such a flurry of flashing lights and frantic bustling out of doors a short time later — oh, dear! I do like flashing lights.

Orderly Watkins was taken to the hospital by ambulance yesterday. They think he will regain control of his bowels after surgery and intensive rehabilitation. Such a nice man, Mr. Watkins, though he didn’t like my cookies. Saw him drop his in the trash when he thought I wasn’t looking. But then he was ever so kind to hold my needlepoint pillow for me while I passed out the rest of the cookies. Why do bad things happen to such nice people?

My dear brother Ambergris visited me today! After all these years. Thought he’d put on weight but he looked much better than the last time I saw him. Didn’t think much of the woman he was with, but was too polite to say. He said she was his wife, but I know a lady of the night when I see one! She looked like the sort who would not bother to shut the door while...well, you know. I’m too polite to say. I do believe Ambergris is getting forgetful in his...   read more »

Have just arrived at Capraia. Ernesto and I called it quits yesterday and I want to gather my wits together before moving on to Cecil. Thinking of ringing him tonight, tho’ may wait until tomorrow.

Had the most interesting visit from a Count Fosco this afternoon. What a wonderful, charming man! He gave me an envelope to deliver to an American man with a side-kick who he said would be coming by for it. Oooh! I wonder if C.F. is psychic?!? I’ve never dated a psychic before...it bears thinking about.

If I married a Count would that make me ‘Lady Countess Viola’, or ‘Countess Lady Viola’? They both have a certain ring to them...

Was mucking about in the garden today when two American gentlemen came wandering over the hill. Such a delightful surprise! I could tell they were taken with me immediately. The old ‘pull the hair out from under the hat and shake it loose’ trick never fails. Though at first they both seemed strangely disappointed to find out I was not in fact a man. (?) I think sometimes my attractiveness is so overwhelming it intimidates men. It’s the only explanation.

The pale one, Aloysius, looks promising; good breeding there for...   read more »

Went to Capraia today with Pendergast to track down a lead. Turns out this Lady Viola’s great-grandfather was a famous violin player who shagged some Duke’s wife in England. Now there’s something to be proud of. Still, the great-grandfather was Italian so how bad can she be?

Good Grief. Saw P.’s eyes glazing over early on. Not much makes him speechless but I guess there’s a first time for everything. You’d think she’d won ’Best of Breed’ at Westminster the way V. went on about her pedigree. “Being ‘up front’”, she called it. Thought she was going to pull out ribbons and trophies for a minute there. And ‘Don’t call me Lady’? Yeah. Right. I didn’t — just to piss her off.

V. said she found Fosco charming, which pretty much sums up how much sense she’s got.

Imprisoned by Fosco and threatened with gruesome death. Would be upset but got to spend the night with A. Neither of us slept much.

Got searched by F.’s men today. The Fat F. made them search P. in front of me. I was outraged to see their hands on him but in the end found it pretty hot. Admit I was rather turned on which was...   read more »

I met a red-haired D-Man once,
Way down where the lilies blow.
I asked him what was in his bag
And if he would not show?

He slightly frowned,
And with a smile,
He tied me to a tree.
You'd like to know, my Little Friend?
You'd like a piece of me?

I shook my head,
I did not cry,
I did not want a piece.
But I don't think his offer was
Real to say the least.

Eventually
I felt a touch,
Of something hard and long,
And then I felt my panties go,
I got the “piece” all wrong.

I often think
Of that old tree,
And how the lilies blew,
A red-haired diamond in the rough,
Oh, gods! I want Part Two....   read more »

While she was waiting, the troll that sat under the bridge captured the white wolf and hid him under the bridge. The troll went about business as usual, until a Ms. Goldilocks pinned him for the theft of some porridge from a group of rather angry bears. Without the white wolf around, the three bears were...   read more »

Lady fair, with limbs of grace
Hair of silk, and pretty face
Tempt the Gods, oh one divine
With bottles of Capraia wine.

Dine with God at ocean side
You laugh and giggle, full of pride
At what you plucked to add to your
Collection of men, you filthy whore....   read more »

10. He has a hot (sane) older brother who has told you his younger brother is crazy.

9. You have seen historical and forensic evidence that he is a murderer.

8. He takes you through a portrait gallery talking about his dead, crazy ancestors.

7. He explains where he lives in psychedelic colors when in actuality he is colorblind.

6. He knows dead languages.

5. Foreplay involves knives.

4. He gives rodents instead of roses.

3. He encourages you to drink hallucinogenic and banned alcoholic substances, even though you are (physically) below the legal drinking age.

2. He recites poetry to you.

...and the number one reason to tell that that you're in danger of falling for a serial killer:

1. You've been a teenager for over 100 years and have never had sex. Leng was a nihilist and Proctor hasn't been any more "forthcoming" than his master. It's about time....   read more »