Sir,

If you are arriving home late this evening, please remember to wash out your own snack plate. Do not leave it for me in the morning as Cheez-Whiz is deucedly difficult to remove after having sat all night in front of a warm fireplace.

I am marketing in the morning. We are out of Ho Ho’s, Newman’s Own Industrial Strength Spaghetti Sauce, and bourbon. Is there anything you prefer that I not replace? Please don’t say the bourbon as you know how you are when we run out of necessities.

Shall I walk Miss Constance in the park today? Yesterday, she tried to push a red-haired Homeless Person under a bus. Thankfully, he bounced as he was rather wired. Made the children cry, however.

As I was cleaning out the backseat of the Wraith, I found a pair of turquoise lace panties balled up in the corner. Please let me know to which lady (?) they belong so that I may personally return them as they are of rather good quality. Unlike some of the things I find balled up in a corner of the Wraith. If you cannot remember/do not know the owner’s name,...   read more »

My dear brother, As I know you have not yet met your demise, I am sending you a houseguest to help care for your burns. You were so kind to me about my injuries, how could I possibly ignore yours? Besides, I know you are already quite familiar with her. I believe she comes bearing a gift of olive oil. I deposited an extra 25 mil in your account for good measure. Best, Frater.   (l.85)


Dearest Frater Major, Thanks ever so for the surprise package. As you probably know by now, my treasured valise was a casualty of what turned out to be a most extraordinary train trip. I afforded many years to the collection that I thought had been lost to me forever. However, due to your gracious gift, I have now begun replenishing and replacing the little "doodads" that made my life so homey. Oh, thanks for the money, too. With much affection and gratitude, Diogenes P.S. The olive oil was rancid.  (sk)


My dear Diogenes, It gives me the greatest of pleasure in knowing that my humble gift has been so well and usefully received. Might I suggest the...   read more »